A couple years ago, post pandemic, I tried these apps for the first time in my life (mid forties), and I had the what is apparently the typical hetero male experience of no matches.
It wasn't bad dates or ghosting or catfishing all that stuff you read about. Just no dates, no chats even. Gave up after a few months and deleted them, I doubt I'll ever go back on there.
Its perhaps controversial, but I definitely didn't "lead with my wallet" on my profile. And maybe for an average guy that is the only viable strategy, but of course that is selecting for a particular type of relationship.
The way these apps work, you pretty much have to pay as a guy. It's like a club where women get in free. The algorithms will derank you very fast unless you're a 10/10 male, and you will basically get no matches from then on. Most guys who are successful on dating apps are paying for it.
That hasn't been my experience at all, and I definitely don't think I'm a 10/10. I've had absolutely no trouble getting dates. (This does not mean that all the dates were great, or led anywhere BTW; the vast majority were nice enough people but there was no interest on one side or the other.)
When I see posts like this, I really wonder if men like you just don't know how to write a decent profile intro/bio and post some good photos. I think there are definitely certain things that make a dating profile more attractive, and many people aren't good at it. You might want to ask some female friends to evaluate your profile.
Ask your female friends to show you their tinder or hinge apps.
Take a look at what most men's profiles look like.
It is shocking, funny, and a little bit sad. At least it was for me. Maybe it's because I live in a big city? Idk.
Tons of mirror selfies, car selfies, low quality photos, weird forced smiles (no offense - smiles can be improved), red flag prompts, etc.
That's most profiles.. the next percentile is average looking guys with no "edge" to make them standout. Super cliche. Why should she swipe right in this guy? Yeah, he might be nice and safe. But he's exactly the same as the other 1000 guys that have this profile.
>Tons of mirror selfies, car selfies, low quality photos, weird forced smiles (no offense - smiles can be improved), red flag prompts, etc.
No lie as a man I honestly feel like I see the same
95% of women's profiles don't even have a bio, just a link to their IG or Snapchat and the profile pics are all very similar (you ever see a woman take a pic in front of graffiti/neon wings?)
I've seen men's profiles and I know they tend worse, but in my experience it's not by much
Maybe because a lot of men will swipe on a woman's profile if her first pic is a gym or bikini or nightclub pic regardless of whether she puts a bio or anything personal into it? It's why I use Hinge/Bumble over Tinder anyway, but even then getting interesting personal info from a profile is difficult
>But he's exactly the same as the other 1000 guys that have this profile.
Tbh this is how I feel alright, I'm just 1 of 1000 guys in the DMs, why bother putting in more effort for the same result
damn im jaded with dating apps D: to be 100% clear tho i'm not saying men or women have it worse or men or women are bad/evil/etc. no misogyny or misandry here
It's certainly possible to get dates without paying. But the difference between paying and not paying is pretty huge on apps like Bumble and Hinge (for men at least). For me, it was a difference between a few matches a week and multiple matches a day.
Profile wise you are right, this is part of what makes a guy "10/10" or not (which might not match 10/10 in real life). For me, I am a divorced dad in my 40s with kids. That causes a lot of women to swipe left and there isn't much I can do about it, unless I lie.
I think in general on dating apps, women are way choosier, men are less choosier, and this leads to a feedback cycle. Women have too much choice so they swipe left more, and men feel they have little choice so they swipe right more.
If you pay the app, it artifically boosts your match rate constantly so you still get shown to lots of women regardless of swipe rate. This gives most guys a much better chance of finding the right woman for them.
Contradicting myself though, the woman I'm dating now matched me OkCupid (where I was experimenting with a long form profile), and I didn't pay anything for that - but it was kind of luck I think.
Bottom line is it comes down to a number game with OLD. The more people who see your profile across apps, the more chances you have. Paying is a cheat code in that respect and improves odds.
>For me, I am a divorced dad in my 40s with kids. That causes a lot of women to swipe left and there isn't much I can do about it, unless I lie.
You can change your profile to leave this critical info out. This will probably net you far more dates. However, they'll probably be one-and-done dates because most women will be annoyed that you hid this info from them until meeting, so I don't recommend it (besides the concept that honesty is the best policy).
But I don't think this is something you should blame on dating apps at all. Your situation is what it is. If someone doesn't want to date a person with kids, that's their preference and that just makes them an unsuitable partner for you.
However, it might be possible to get a few more matches by having a great profile/photos, so that some women on the edge might be swayed to swipe right despite the kids.
>Bottom line is it comes down to a number game with OLD.
I absolutely agree. The more dates you go on, the more time you spend on it all, the more likely you'll find someone who wants a relationship with you (and you with them). Sitting around and posting on HN about how no one wants to date you is not a recipe for dating success, but that seems to be the approach many men here have.
> hen I see posts like this, I really wonder if men like you just don't know how to write a decent profile intro/bio and post some good photos. I think there are definitely certain things that make a dating profile more attractive, and many people aren't good at it.
But that itself is a filter, no? Not everyone have interesting lives to fill a good bio nor attractive enough to have some attractive photos.
No, I disagree. Just ask anyone in advertising: how you present something makes a huge difference in perception.
Sure, not everyone can look like Brad Pitt in his prime, but your profile will look radically different with different photos. Having photos shot by a talented photographer, for instance, will get you better results than a couple of bathroom selfies. The same person can look much more attractive at certain camera angles, or with certain lighting. The composition of those photos will lead to very different results: what is in the photos? Are they shirtless selfies, are they showing you at the golf course, are they with your family (or ex), are they showing you on a hike, etc. Depending on what kind of person you want to attract, the photos you want to show will be very different. If you want an outdoorsy woman, don't post a bunch of photos of yourself in a bar, for instance.
Same goes for the bio. You don't have to have an extremely interesting life, but you can write something that's somewhat interesting to read, and shows that you're not lazy. A bio with nothing at all, or worse "just ask!", screams that you're lazy and aren't willing to put any effort into your profile or your search for a match. A thoughtful bio just telling about things you like and what kind of person you're looking for, even if bland, is far better unless you're looking for a very shallow or stupid person (the kind who thinks "just ask" is a good bio).
My advice for photos: get some good photos of yourself doing stuff you like to do, which you would like to find a companion for. If you want someone who goes out drinking with you a lot, then post photos of yourself at bars that you like. If you like to hang out at the gym all the time, post photos of yourself there. If you like fishing, post pictures of yourself on a boat with a dead fish. If you like hiking, post pictures of yourself doing that. The woman will subconsciously think about if she can see herself in that photo with you. If your photos don't show yourself doing anything, it'll look like you have no interests at all.
Doesn't that have a slight problem for someone genuinely has no interests whatsoever?
For me there are no hobbies, no interests, no experiences, no stories, no partner, and no friends. But I have reason to continue this way, and it grants me a token of solace for the trouble.
But what of those as hollow as myself without such incentive? It would seem a painful position to be, existing as a shell of a person but without reason to embrace the isolation. What for them then?
But if it isn't, I'd say that if you have nothing to offer a partner, why should you expect anyone to be interested in you as a partner? It's up to you to make yourself a better, more rounded and interesting person to be around.
Also, it's hard to imagine anyone has NO interests at all, nor any life experiences, or anything at all really. I mean, you're on HN, so obviously there's some kind of interest in something tech-related, right?
Having no life experiences is true, but there's a little bit of cheating involved, unfortunately. The only memory of childhood I have is a vague impression of a toddler's toy, an egg shaped chicken with a blue bottom that had a bell in it. Everything else? What my room looked like? What route I used to go to school? What my teachers were like? It's all gone now.
My adolescence has mostly gone the same way; I remember dropping a ball from a stairwell for physics class. I know I was in high school but couldn't tell you much more then that. My college days, I that I was in class. But I don't remember anyone's names or faces or events or what tests I took. Only thing I know for sure is that no graduation ceremony occurred. I picked up my diploma from the admin office and then never looked back.
My first real concrete memories are somewhere in between a suicide attempt after graduation, and getting a job. And there's where I've been since for the last 12 or 13 years now. That's more or less the entirety of my life. Almost 40 years of life all of it can be laid out in 3 paragraphs.
Being on HN I think is more because I frankly don't have anything else better to do. Work has slowed down and it's either scroll reddit and HN or... honestly I'm not sure what else. Sleep perhaps?
I have never had a problem getting dates either but if you don't realize you are in the top 20% and having a different experience than most guys, then you are just stupid.
My experience is 10 years old now (I met my wife on OKC then), but at the time I was getting plenty of mutual matches and actually had enough women contacting me that I never initiated contact. I wouldn’t say I’m a 10/10, but definitely on the luckier side where it comes to traits attractive to women. I was also in my mid- to late-20s at the time, which I still feel like is the peak dating app age range.
No woman is looking for an average guy on dating apps. Would you look for an average car at an average price on a car sales website, if they were all within your ability to get?
Its perhaps controversial, but I definitely didn't "lead with my wallet" on my profile. And maybe for an average guy that is the only viable strategy, but of course that is selecting for a particular type of relationship.