What do you mean by "lost"? As far as I know we still lived, albeit in more or less restricted circumstances. I would suggest taking a step back and reevaluating if the past year really has been worse than dying.

It absolutely has.

Dying is objectively worse. Don't get me wrong but just in case you're not in a good place, please find somebody to talk to about this. Friends, family, your family doctor, a mental health hotline, anyone. Heck, contact me if you feel like you're out of options, base64 encoded email aGFja2VybmV3c2NvbnRhY3RAZmFzdG1haWwuY29tCg==

Being dead is worse in that it doesn't end, yes. But that year was not worth living.