I have a very wide area of interests, and doing things takes time. But while I'm doing thing 'A', I think about the fact that I'm making no progress on 'B', 'C', ... 'n' and it distracts me both from thinking as deeply as I need to on thing 'A' and the enjoyment I get from getting something done. So I struggle with letting go of the desire to get everything done that I can imagine would be fun and interesting to do.
I have the same problem and my diagnosis is that is a symptom of not having a deep bond with any of those interests. I've deceived myself that the ease of discovery will automatically transfer to mastery.
I realized in a world of abundant and instant knowledge, I've been applying the laws of scarcity: "I won't be able to do Y and Z if I spend too much on X". Hence the anxiety to get to the Y when doing X. But it's not going to be a finite list ending in Z. It is an infinite stream and that I have to treat it as drinking from a river vs a cup.
Lately, I've been deliberately giving up on reading about topics, unfollowing people at the edge of my interests and focusing on the areas that are more central. If you look a little bit, you can identify a couple of interests that are stronger than the other. Then it is a matter of eliminating the time spent at the edges.
+1 I find that a good rule to follow is to avoid "interesting" subject/articles/posts. If it is not also deep, insightful and genuinely educational, avoid spending time on "interesting".
Something that has helped me reduce the collection of components for projects is that I now require that if I'm not going to use it in 90 days I can't buy it. That was in response to finding parts for projects from companies that no longer exist in my inventory of 'things to look into' :-(.
I egotistically struggle with this, particularly because I'm an undergraduate. I can either be academically-oriented (engulfed in the courses I'm taking, partaking in TA-ing, clubs, etc), career-oriented (engulfed in building side-projects, prepping for interviews, networking, etc), or hobby-oriented (engulfed in things like reading about eastern religions, playing with generative art, playing video games, playing sports, etc). I suppose you have to find a balance and alternate the balance depending on what is most critical. Above all, what is more important, I think, is to take a step back from all that throughout the day - go for a walk during lunch, savor the food you are eating, watch the evening sky, etc - in other words, not becoming too caught up in those things (because then you are more prone to becoming anxious and stressed) and knowing in the back of your mind that in the grand scheme of things it's all play, as cliche as that may sound.
...
Flint replied, "Well the top 5 are my primary focus, but the other 20 come in at a close second. They are still important so I'll work on those intermittently as I see fit as I'm getting through my top 5. They aren't as urgent, but I still plan to give them a dedicated effort."
To which Buffett replied:
"No. You've got it wrong, Mike. Everything you didn't circle just became your 'avoid at all cost list.' No matter what, these things get no attention from you until you've succeeded with your top 5."
I'm no Warren Buffet, so I hesitate to disagree, but these kinds of stories always make me think of a parable about weight lifting.
You go to a gym to learn to lift weights. You see a big strong guy and ask him to teach you. He must know how to lift weights and get big and strong, right? He's done it after all.
Sure enough, the big guy knows just what to do. He's got all sorts of advice, he disagrees with conventional wisdom, he shares his training schedule etc. The only problem is, when you follow the big guy's advice, you don't see much gains - or maybe you get injured, or you plateau.
What you didn't know is that, in addition to all of his advice and idiosyncrasies, the big guy takes steroids. The big guy is big not because of his lifting schedule or the chant he says before he works out or whatever, he's big mostly because he's taking steroids. Following his advice without the steroids won't really be that useful for you.
To relate this back to the Buffet story, Buffet has been rich for decades. His wealth came from his ability to value companies, make deals, etc. Then with money he lives a very different lifestyle.
If you don't have the steroids - the vastly better ability to do something the market puts a lot of value on, then Buffet's advice may not get you very much and may actually hurt you. Where Buffet lets lower priority tasks slide or delegates them they still get done by his employees. If you do it then your house is going unmaintained or a relationship is getting neglected etc.
"Where Buffet lets lower priority tasks slide or delegates them they still get done by his employees. If you do it then your house is going unmaintained or a relationship is getting neglected etc."
Perhaps that's the lesson.
I'm reminded of the startup aphorism "You don't have to be good if you're great." It's really a statement about market dynamics. If you are "great" (the monopoly provider of a service, asset, or technology that other people value) then you will attract capital and people who are "good" (hardworking and skilled people who specialize in the non-monopoly fields you need). You can then trade access to your skill for access to theirs, and do so with great leverage because there are many more of them than you.
If you don't have a monopoly skill or asset, then - assuming you want to take advantage of these market dynamics - your first priority should be to acquire one. And yes, that means that your house is going unmaintained and your relationships are getting neglected. So what?
>And yes, that means that your house is going unmaintained and your relationships are getting neglected. So what?
Your relationships and the state of the environment you maintain for yourself are important.
Together, they likely have more impact on your long term happiness and physical and mental health than any kind of ability “to take advantage of these market dynamics”.
It's complicated - if I hyper-focus and never succeed, I will just end up an extremely, extremely boring person. So there are definitely cons to that strategy.
I know here on HN we've recently been discussing overdiagnosis of confirmation bias, but this seems like a textbook example. Putting all of your eggs in one basket is great for maximizing your returns IF that basket pays off, but it also maximizes your chance of ending up with nothing.
I have found it somewhat useful to write all the things I want to do somewhere that I trust, and select a few of them to work on right now that I am either most interested in, or feel will give me the greatest benefit in the future. I give myself permission to shuffle those projects as necessary, by try to limit them to just a couple at a time so they don't become unmanageable.
I have huge lists of ideas for projects (everything from designing my own index cards, to a ridiculous idea for demonstrating the curvature of the earth), lists of books that I want to read, lists of lists of books that I might find interesting, lists of music to listen to, and smaller lists of things like places to go, things to see, and skills to learn.
By keeping track of the things outside my head, it seems to declutter my everyday thoughts and I can focus on doing meaningful work on the few things I choose to work on right now. Obviously projects and reading are two things that are important to me, so I try to do a bit of each every day when possible. It doesn't always work, but it works better than when I had no such system.
We live in an age where the ability to say "no" has become more important than saying "yes". It used to be the other way around. I grew up in the 80s and all I had was my VC-20 learning basic and later assembler. That's it. Then there was the library or bookshop, where I would find once in a while something really interesting. Nowadays, the possibilities are endless.
On top of that, I have realized that my brain has changed over the years. Feeding it constantly with new stuff is not healthy. The good news is that this process is reversible. Things like practising meditation can help a lot.
To combat it, I divide my long term, life changing goals into one or more of three categories: healthy, wealthy, wise. It's an idea taken from Time Ferris' book, Tools of Titans.
If a goal I have doesn't fit into one of those categories, it's not worth my effort and is simply a diversion. If it's a diversion, I only look at over the weekend, when I wind down, to ensure I'm not losing focus or procrastinating throughout the (highly focused, productive) working week.
Hopefully you can find some wisdom or knowledge in my approach and either adopt it or craft your own.
I dont think this is a bad thing actually. This describes me perfectly. You gain a lot more wisdom being familiar with many topics
What I do divide split different cycles out.
-dev cycle -I only focus on development only or 1 specific project. I limit myself to working on 2 projects max/day
-exploratory cycle -I let my mind wander. I realize how potentially unproductive it can be, so i limit this time to a few hours at most/day. Normally I do this when Im constantly distracted by clients / coworkers at work. Or when I get tired on my dev cycle.
What helps is I write what I wish to accomplish everyday. Its 1 to 3 things that take at least a few hours to do.
At the end of the week, i look back to see what I accomplished. What did I accompish for work, personally, and what major events transpired? How do I feel about this weeks productivity vs the last 2 weeks? Am i getting shit done?
I used to keep getting lost in lots of moocs and finish none of them.
Although, now I use a habit tracker with a stopwatch and the goal for ticking off the habit is to atleast spend a minimum amount of time in learning one thing everyday.
Exactly my problem. Worse, my interests often have nothing in common. I like development. But I also like SEO side projects. I love making music, but I also love writing
This year I finally told myself that I'll focus on only one thing for 6 months and see the results. I actively push away all thoughts of working on B while I'm working on A
I've been struggling with adulthood ever since turning 30 and starting a family. I have this image in my head of what life after 30 looks like from seeing my parents and all their friends doing basically the same thing as each other. It's not a life I want for myself, but every decision I make pushes me further and further in that direction. My mind has been programmed to think and act in a way that eventually lands me in the same life as my father.
In order to buck that trend, I've decided to try doing something that goes against my better judgement and pushes me out of my comfort zone. I'm hoping I'll learn a thing or two about forging my own path.
All the comments applaud the change and to avoid the unavoidable, but isn't the unavoidable a "normal" path almost everybody takes? When you are young, you have all the options. When you're done studying, you realize you choose a path. And the options deminish. Than family life, husband/wife, kids. Now you're options are crushed. You need the income. The kids need the stable home. Of course there are a lot of variations (people not studying, not having kids, being wealthy, etc), but I think the majority do study, work and have kids.
I wonder, is your father still around? Did he have other plans? Or, like you, "life happened"?
I'm not saying you shouldn't spice up your life by getting out of your comfort zone. I'm saying, accept the part that "life happened". You did nothing wrong, you walked the path, like the rest of us. Now make the best of it!
> You did nothing wrong, you walked the path, like the rest of us.
Earlier in your comment you say "Of course there are a lot of variations", but then here you treat it as if everyone ("the rest of us") walks that same path. Not everyone does.
I'm intentionally delaying marriage and kids partly for this reason. I think it's important to not feel like too much is left on the table before settling down. I'm 27 now and not planning to have kids until 35 at the earliest.
A lot of it is that I'm only just evolving into the person I want to be (more disciplined, focused on the right objectives, happier, etc), and I want to capitalize on that. I studied pretty hard all the way through to the end of college. Then worked really hard after that. I think I missed out on a good amount of what makes youth enjoyable as a result.
So I look at the time between my late-twenties and mid-thirties as a chance at a redo, but this time with better financial security. It's actually a lot more fun when you're more experienced, know more about what makes you tick, and have optionality.
I sometimes wonder how many very ambitious people have a similar life experience.
My wife and I actually used a similar thought process to decide to have kids at 25, haha! We decided that since we were going to spend the ages of 25 to 45 working our asses off regardless, we figured that we'd rather be done childrearing in our 40s instead of our 50s, then we'd have more money and life experience to draw on to really enjoy the the years before we're too old to be out and about much. In our case, we didn't want to take those later middle age years off the table.
That said, I definitely think your strategy is a good one. My parents had me around 35 and I know that their age and stability contributed a lot to an excellent childhood.
my understanding is that trying to buck the trend will still keep my attention on the trend I'm trying to buck. As when riding a motorcycle, keep your attention on the place you're trying to move to rather than the one you're trying to avoid.
so instead my focus should be on things that truly move me.
good luck on this journey, I definitely feel ya.
edit: for me, making the world better (however minutely), and community are important. I now stop & help/talk with homeless people and also started this site: https://www.spane.org
> my understanding is that trying to buck the trend will still keep my attention on the trend I'm trying to buck. As when riding a motorcycle, keep your attention on the place you're trying to move to rather than the one you're trying to avoid.
> so instead my focus should be on things that truly move me.
This is so very true. You'll do much better off doing a (useful) thing that you care about than trying to force yourself to do a lucrative thing that you don't care about.
I used to really hate the idea of me living an ordinary life, but I think at some point I realized trying to do extraordinary stuff was stressing me out way too much, and now I’m hard at work being as ordinary as possible.
I think my goals have shifted from providing the best life for myself in the future to providing the best life for my child in the future, and I seem to be completely at peace with that.
You seem to be equating "extraordinary" life with "providing the best life for oneself" and an "ordinary" life with "providing the best life for one's child". Is that correct? If so, I don't see why that should be.
It need not be. But almost always is. As your ability to take risks diminish you live an "ordinary" life. To provide stability for your family you almost always take that route. Sure there are exceptions, but those are just that.
Not necessarily, that was just the way things turned out. The shift in my thinking and having a baby happened more or less at the same time, but it had begun before.
I am pretty sure the solution to this is "DON'T". As in, don't start a family until you want to be tied down. Of course, there is that whole thing where you miss out on that aspect of life. It's a pretty expensive aspect though.
Basically I'm scaling back my profit making in order to focus more on doing what I'm passionate about which doesn't have some monetary end goal. It's not practical, but provides a sense of fulfillment to me and will allow me to meet other people who are of a similar mind. I'll earn a lot less and won't have creature comforts like living with a view of the ocean, but that's just part of the tradeoff. My wife fully supports the decision.
I was raised around a bunch of conservative business owners where everything has an opportunity cost and spending time or money on something that has no tangible return value is considered silly. Not that there is anything wrong with that way of life, but it basically turns into a cycle of work, sleep, eat (which is what my life has been for the last couple years).
Exactly the same (minus the family). In my mid-30s and every time a friend settles down I feel a little drawn toward the path of my parents, but without any real compelling reason other than social pressure. It might have to be something I simply do out of boredom rather than desire.
> My mind has been programmed to think and act in a way that eventually lands me in the same life as my father.
Freedom from something is not freedom though because you are modeling your life as a reaction to thing you are trying to free yourself from so you are still tied to that thing.
Very much in the same boat, I've been doing something similar and trying to pursue some long-term lofty objectives without compromising my current work/life situation. Making steady progress on personal projects helps a ton.
Lol 30 year old midlife crisis. Wait till you are 50 and you look back and think of what you didn’t do. The flip side is you can look back at what you did with some satisfaction.
My point is that 30 is not old by any measure. Barring bad luck, you still have another 40 to 50 years to do something different.
When you are young, you have a lot of potential. You really have the potential to be anything. As you get older, you lose that potential by making choices that limit your choices in the future. In exchange, you actually become something or do something worthwhile, instead of doing nothing worthwhile but having the potential to do anything.
Everything worth doing and about half of the things that aren't.
If I had to pick one thing, it'd be my weight. I've lost 150lbs and have been keeping it off for years. People who've never lost a significant amount of weight (north of 50lbs) probably can't understand what it is like to have to fight your body every day of your life. I have to avoid temptation as much as possible, which means keeping only enough food in the house to survive for a week and avoiding social functions, among other things. If I know there's food somewhere nearby, I'll be distracted thinking about it until I either eat it or go somewhere else. I have to meticulously track my caloric intake and keep it under 1600/day average just to maintain, even with 6+ hours of the gym each week. They never tell you that part about losing weight, that the damage to your metabolism is already done and will never function normally again.
Do you have any idea what it is like to be compelled to eat? To be unable to stop yourself? to hate that you can't stop yourself? I'm going to guess not, it's awful. And you know what the worst part of it is? How easy everyone seems to think it is. Oh, you're having trouble with overeating? Here, let me parrot some bullshit clickbait nonsense from the internet.
The study within strongly suggests exactly what you're saying: massive weight loss results in a massive loss in metabolism. The difference in metabolism is on the order of hundreds of calories per day.
I've lost a combined 150 pounds throughout my life and I'm down 80 pounds from my max. I am not in the exact same situation as you but I feel close. I, too, limit my calories to roughly 1,600 a day.
I wish this topic was studied more and the science was settled. If the study is accurate, what is there to be done about it other than learning to live with a significant caloric deficit for the rest of our lives? This is an issue that potentially affects so many people yet is so rarely discussed. Thank you for sharing your experience.
I can absolutely relate to what you're saying here about temptation. I lost ~100 pounds (280 -> 180) but have had trouble keeping the last 50 off. I range in weight from 200 - 230, despite only ever feeling comfortable being below 200. It's a source of a lot of insecurity and shame. My main weaknesses are the typical ones: sugar, beer/cocktails, and fat + salt. Once I eat a little bit, the desire is greater so I've found it's better to just not eat any.
But I've found, at least for me, that the temptation and the overindulgence is mostly tied to emotions. Not like "I'm sad, must eat," more like I'm looking to feel a little better in the moment so I just keep eating to feel that way until I come full circle and feel like shit again, now for a different reason. This has happened with all kinds of things in my life and I can usually trace it back to some kind of escapism.
I won't pretend to know what you're going through specifically but I've found that practicing the kind of restriction you describe - avoiding places that will have tempting food, keeping food out of your house - makes me think that I have no control, which is easily thwarted by just going to the store to show that I do. If, instead, I tell myself that I'm exerting control rather than the food attempting to, I feel empowered to make better choices based on all the reasons I know to be true (better quality of life, longer life, feeling better, etc). It's not the environment that needs examination and restriction, it's the compulsion.
Just my $0.02 ... thanks for sharing this. I'm in the middle some sweeping changes to address all of this so it's in the forefront of my mind. If you're interested, read a bit about conscious eating, that's helped me reframe my thoughts in a really positive way.
I personally have lost about 75 - but that was fueled by a cycling habit. (FWIW any regular cardio helps big time because you can expand your caloric needs to 2500 or so easily and have a reasonable meal instead of pure leaves diet that leaves you miserable)
One anecdotal contra-point for me - and this is going against popular scientific wisdom of calorie in vs calorie out is that simpler foods have allowed me to consume beyond the caloric limits. Recently I have been exploring this and my weight has remained in the 155lb range for over 2 months through vacations - I documented my findings in https://www.subu.io/post/176259843689/one-step-from-the-farm if you are interested! I am almost always feeling full and yet able to keep my weight stable. HTH!
Keep up the good work brother. I don't know this particular struggle, but I do know the pain and suffering of having to check your behaviors daily after your body has become hardwired to go another way that is detrimental.
One way I deal with it is to stop feeling sorry for myself:
I follow Rob Jones - a double amputee who has now completed 31 marathons in 31 days:
He talks about the daily struggle you describe - and that's ontop of the struggle of having to learn to walk again; learning to do everything again; and putting your legs on ea. day when your body wants to reject them...
Basically, it really puts things in perspective and makes you thankful for the health you have left.
Did you try fasting? I can imagine sharing your story will lead to many people trying to offer you their ultimate solution, but from my personal experience with never ending hunger, fasting for more than 24 hours (only water) helped me "reset" my hunger. I then continued with method of eating only 1 meal a day (intermittent fasting), while focusing on lowering carbohydrates, since they always make me the hungriest.
I respect your achievement in losing the weight and keeping it as well as still working on yourself, but I don't think life should be hard as you describe it.
Dude, I tried everything. Fasting works for a time, but eventually you get sick of nearly fainting every time you stand up and you end up overeating on days you're not fasting.
> I can imagine sharing your story will lead to many people trying to offer you their ultimate solution
Yeah my man, I seriously don't know what to tell other than fasting works. Your metabolism isn't a something that breaks and is not fixable, and "getting sick of fainting" isn't a fucking excuse.
If you're fainting, you're doing something wrong with your diet. You either getting too little from something, or too little.
I seriously hope this video can lead you to a better lifestyle. and sorry if I sounded too harsh, lowkey it's targeted to myself as motivation.
I thought your stomach eventually shrunk and the fat cells died. I.e. re-gaining weight would be easy in the short term, but would eventually get to "normal levels"?
And I doubt too many people think it's easy - even losing a couple of pounds is a pain in the ass.
The fat cells never die unless you get liposuction, they just shrink. Your body is primed to regain that weight if your diet or activity level changes.
Chances are you are underestimating your intake, or overestimating how much you burn through exercise. I don't mean that as a personal critique: most people are terrible at that kind of estimation.
The absolute number of calories is meaningless without knowing your height, weight, body composition, and activity level. However an American man of average size with moderate activity will lose weight consuming 1600kcal/day. It's very likely that you're underestimating, or not actually counting everything you consume.
Your caloric intake is dangerously low (assuming you're a dude). That's what's slowing down your metabolism. There's tons of research on this. Also, your goal should be to put on lean mass and reduce your bodyfat percentage (with a goal of keeping it under 15%) - it makes staying in good shape a lot easier.
You have to increase your metabolism somehow. Either through exercise or weightlifting. It won't be easy and it will take time but it's not entirely impossible.
I'd say I struggle with a few things, but I'll pick one. I overcomplicate and overthink things. If I get into something, like a new hobby, I go in to "engineer mode" and think about all the complexities of what I'm trying to do, and end up going nowhere. Or other times, I will purchase a slew of materials I don't initally need because "I'll need them later" and end up getting bored with the hobby before they ever get used. Recently I've been trying to keep things simple and iterate.
On that note, I also struggle with maintaining interest in new hobbies after the first "hump", and go away from it for several months or years. By the time I work up interest in it and get back into it I start from square one essentially. I feel like I've been getting better at it with age, my mind has "slowed down" a bit in a good way and I find focusing on things has become easier.
Been there. Classic analysis paralysis problem for me, at least.
What I had to do was actually just start to show myself how little I was gaining in the “what if” planning. Chances of those problems were small and I was just spending time (years!) dealing with engineering mode.
The key for me was realizing why I acted that way. But thats a personal journey Id encourage you to take but cant tell you where it goes.
I use to have this problem. I'd plan out everything in a side project and figure out the optimal structure for where files go even. After a while I realized just going back to a "just build something" strategy is way more optimal as it keeps me engaged in the project and allows me to focus on things that matter. It's hard to make progress when you're just planning, especially since you just don't know all the details when you start... so you're planning is often not based on reality.
I can empathize with this. Add in the fact that the older I get, the more impressive my project needs to be in order to impress myself. It's a form of self-sabotage, but by realizing that I don't have to build something great in 1 day, it helps.
That seems like a symptom of comparing yourself with some ultimate, unrealistic version of what you think you should be.
Kind of like learning guitar in your 30's and getting discouraged when you see talented 16-year-olds on youtube getting famous.
I cope with that by 1) realizing that everyone's journey is different, and 2) realizing that even though I'm not a famous artist or whatever, I have a unique background that can bring value to people in the way I'm comfortable with.
Also as you get older you recognize what's really valuable in life (friends, happiness, etc.), and the things you thought were important when you were younger (getting rich/famous) are actually really shallow.
I don't like the new way of doing things. Kubernetes, node, react, terraform... Everything is more complicated and also more fragile. I feel like the software world is collectively mad and I'm sitting on the outside asking "wtf is going on?"
This is just some MVP java app with an nginx proxy, elastic-search, and mysql? Why is this running in k8s on aws via Kops in conjunction with a cloudformation template for aurora inside of a VPC? With containers separately built via packer +ansible kicked off via jenkins after each pull request merge? The CI pipeline also kicks off a canary deployment in our UAT environment with a prometheus exporter for monitoring on our grafana dashboard and if you want to see logs you have to look at our ELK stack for that and if you want to do any debugging we have Jaeger for tracing across our service mesh which is based on Istio using Calico as a network overlay. All that for an app does some crappy knock-off of trello.
DevOops Consultant here, all of those technologies are 100 percent on point and heavily used. Also random fun fact, every time a stack includes CloudFormation, it brings the owner of said stack slightly closer to becoming an alcoholic.
Soooooo for those who read through this but didn't understand it, this is actually 100% accurate and a possibly commendable way to run an application in production.
I do lament that tools have become so complicated, but just about every piece mentioned (except for maybe kubernetes?) actually does a thing that is likely useful to you in production. A run down:
Java - yikes but OK, the JVM is an excellent piece of software, of course you need the actual app you want to run
NGINX - TLS termination, compression, timeouts, rate limiting -- don't have to put this in your app and deal with SpringWhatchaMaCallits if you just do it @ nginx. complexity here means less @ the app level
ElasticSearch - I'm not sure ElasticSearch is the right tool but usually for most apps you'll want search, and you'll want search that is good enough (aka not slow/doesn't suck)
MySQL - A database of some sort is necessary, and most embeedded/single file databases aren't the right fit for a multi-user frequent-concurrent access model, though I do love me some SQLite so I might fight myself on that point.
containers - containers are sandboxed, resource-constrained processes. I believe that it's better to run containerized processes rather than regular processes (i.e. just running your app) because of this isolation. Can't have one app clobber settings/whatever for another if they're properly isolated.
k8s (kubernetes) - a container orchestration tool -- if you're going to run containers on more than one machine then maybe you want to be able to treat all those machines more simply without manually managing all of them. This is obviously not necessary, If you only have to manage 2 machines, maybe just set up systemd properly and make sure two processes are always running and the internet can get to them, whatever.
kops - A tool made for easily provisioning machines on AWS into kubernetes clusters -- only necessary if you've bought in to containers and kubernetes.
cloudformation - AWS's tool for automating infrastructure creation and management -- while cloudformation might be hard to use, time spent automating pays time dividends that approach infinity (don't quote me on this), as long as you actually finish building the automation.
aurora - AWS's offering of a RBDMS, with some scaling advantages and other amazon-secret-sauce stuff. In the example this is deployed with cloudformation so someone on your team doesn't have to go into the actual amazon dashboard and click around for 5 minutes.
VPC - AWS's rendition of a private network for you to use their services on... you probably don't want to not run your stuff in a VPC (I don't even know if that's possible anymore) -- hard to know who else is running in your cloud.
packer - Packer is less important for containers but more for VMs (but I think you can use it for containers too?) -- basically if you have your source code in a folder, it would be nice if you could build a container for it automatically. Packer was used more predominantly for building VM images (AMIs for AWS) IIRC -- this helps to automate the deployment process, you can ensure every machine you start in the cloud or at home has a base level of configuration/software installed. You could even make your deploy artifact (the one thing you need to deploy your app) a VM image or an AMI and all you have to do is spin up a machine and your app is running.
ansible - fantastic automation tool for when you have to perform a task across one or more machines, for example, pushing a container image to a certain machine, or adding a user, or installing docker, or whatever.
jenkins - general task runner and automation helper differing from ansible in that it's used more through it's web interface, and is always-on, so it can do things like running tests whenever code is pushed to a given repository. This speeds up your team by letting them know when something's broken faster. Also, it can do things like deploys, post-deploy smoke tests, etc -- the more things that some random software does, the less I have to worry about jeff/gina fucking up a deploy|test|whatever.
CI - continuous integration is nice -- run your tests automatically so devs don't have to worry about it, make the results visible so no one merges bad code. Even better, make it impossible to merge code that doesn't pass the tests, or ensure that a certain amount of coverage is achieved (though code coverage can be a bad metric)
canary deployments in UAT - This is actually something mostly advanced engineering orgs do. User Acceptance Testing is arguably the only testing that matters, because if your user can't actually do what your app is supposed to do, your app may as well not exist, no matter how well it is built and unit/integration tested. UAT is when you get a person to sit and actually use the app and do what was supposed to be possible. "Canary deployment" is not really the right term here but in context I think wetpaste is referring to spinning up a "fake" version of your app, so that testers can touch something close to the actual thing.
canary deployments - Canary deployments are more traditionally doing a small deployment of a new service (let's say, serve 10% of your users the new version of an app), and observe/watch for errors before letting a deployment go wild. Again, mostly this is only done at really advanced engineering orgs.
Prometheus - Relatively simple and robust monitoring tool for dealing with time series data
Grafana - dashboarding tool that takes input from a few places (prometheus, RBDMS, etc) and charts data so you can easily see how your stuff is doing -- RED (Rate Errors Duration) is a pretty decent monitoring methodology for web services
ELK (ElasticSearch, Logstash, Kibana) - This stack is a little less necessary IMO but logstash pushes your logs to elasticsearch, and kibana makes them visible from the web. Logging is important of course, but you could probably just SSH in and look at the logs or rotate and extract files (or use something like cloudwatch logs if you're on AWS) happily for years.
Jaeger - operation-level tracing so you can easily find out how long different things are taking on your web service -- yes the `/expensive-request` is taking 5000ms, but which parts of what's actually happening are causing it, in production? the DB request? JSON munging on the API side? some other thing?
Service mesh - Much like NGINX, this is a way to outsource things like monitoring code (which you'd have to integrate into every app you wanted monitoring) to the transport layer -- you talk to a proxy (whether per-process or per-underlying-machine), and the proxies ferry your messages to wherever they're supposed to go. They also support service discovery, so now your java app doesn't need to know exactly where it's mysql instance is (which you'd normally feed in with ENV variables), it can just send stuff to mysql://my-mysql or whatever, and as long as the mesh is properly configured, it will go to the right place, and the mesh can do things like telling you how long every request took, or do circuit breaking, or retries, or whatever.
Istio - Service mesh that's built for kubernetes, it does the usual service mesh stuff plus some more, like super configurable routing (the kind that might enable canary deploys) to providing mutual TLS traffic between services automatically, and cluster wide authN/authZ
Calico - Sort of assumes the buy in to containers & kubernetes -- if you're going to run multiple containers on multiple machines but don't want to know every machine's IP and every container's IP, you're going to need a network overlay that simplifies things. In addition to reachability, calico also enables kubernetes's NetworkPolicy controls, so you can restrict intra-cluster communications
That said, I do abhor incidental complexity, and do like simple dependable tools -- however, most of these tools do actually serve a purpose and aren't just bloat. I think these days you can start off as simple as you like, and by all means fight complexity as you see it rear it's ugly head, but at some point, you're going to want to know which requests are slow for your users. At that point, you need to make the choice between a service mesh and a standalone jaeger instance -- that is when it's useful that you know both things exist, so you don't pick the tool that is more complicated (the service mesh) when you don't have to.
"Ah, so that's what Kops, cloudformation, aurora, packer, UAT, ELK, Jaeger, service meshes, istio and calico are."
"Yeah, no. I have no plans to try and actually make anything with that tangle. Hah."
"Although... I do know what nginx, java, containers, k8s, VPCs, ansible, jenkins, and CI are... so... maybe it's really all the same at the end of the day, I'll see everything in this list similarly 5 years from now, and I should see if I can tolerate it?"
"Hm. There is the small fact that I don't really know what k8s, VPCs, ansible and jenkins actually do, let alone the entire first list, and of all of these I've probably only really used Java, and that only a few times. I think I've had a few minutes' look at GitLab's Grafana dashboard once or twice?"
"I'll bet installing all of these, including all dependencies, would take probably multiple tens of gigabytes of diskspace, and probably consume more RAM that I have installed." (I'm running short on both, I have a few hundred MB of diskspace free right now, and never any free RAM :D)
"I wonder how effectively I can learn these on the job?"
"...I wonder if there are any jobs that don't require $tool_existence+1 years of experience with any of these before they even consider candidates ._."
rofl, it sounds pretty bad when you put it like that. I think what we’ve been doing in software for sometime has been complex, were just beginning to draw more lines as we learn more
Oh God. I want to believe this is "best practice" and everyone is sane, but when I hear things like this (or am a part of such project), I can't help but think that it's driven by a devops guy who wants the learning experience (the same way programmers want to do projects in languages they want to know better, instead of the ones they know well).
I dunno, I think it's a pretty neat stack. At least you don't have to deal with OSGI and the works.
In all seriousness though, please don't build things on k8s unless you have a couple of microservices or the infrastructure in place already.
It's an abomination for the simple fact of how do you bundle a lib directory with an artifact? Someone will chime in with some solution, but originally, everything was supposed to be an osgi module. It was f-cking nuts, pita.
React is like one step forwards, 10 steps backwards. Mixing markup and logic, adding a whole front-end compiler, needing imports from third parties to re-implement basic browser functionality - for what? So that users have to see a loading spinner and their back button doesn't work any more?
I'm 90% sure it's an accidental conspiracy to keep front end developer salaries high.
Talking to older heads, apparently they felt the same way when XML and "middleware" came along..
React is most useful if you have really complex state that you're trying to manage and reason about. It's probably overused because people who don't need it are just doing whatever's trendy without understanding trade-offs, but it's a godsend for UIs that need hundreds of components, persistent state, etc. IMO people often add Redux to it before a project really needs it.
There's no need to mix markup and logic, a good pattern is to have dumb components that just translate state into markup, and keep your logic elsewhere.
Modern javascript (and typescript) is a joy to program in and has greatly improved my productivity. Having to compile it with babel is a small price to pay.
Modern JavaScript is better than old JavaScript, but it’s still JS, and I’m missing basically all features from other languages that make programming great.
It's really helpful to hear that i'm not alone with this. My troubles with picking up and buying into react has not sat well with me, but seeing someone else say what i've been thinking is a huge relief.
I love what react does on the front end for Complex UI, but man does the tooling suck, and why the hell does it need 2mb of libs for a 'basic' app.... seriously, I get that Rails is moving into it's maturity and is avoiding big breaking changes , but why can't I spin up a Hybrid React/Rails app (that's not pure API) that doesn't require jiggery pockery with webpacker?
I don't know, maybe I'm just over the hill already and doing it wrong ...
SSR and PushState have prevented your "for whats?" from being real issues ever. Mixing markup and logic along with not capturing benefits from the transpiler are more symptoms of poor implementation decisions rather than flaws with the actual tool.
That did it; I fired off a report to GH, just to be sure. I decided some of my text veered somewhat off-topic, so didn't send the whole thing. Here's what I said, including the offtopic bit after the 2nd "---".
---
Hi! You've probably gotten a few reports about this by this point, so this is just a redundant make-sure.
https://github.com/lerna/lerna/pull/1616 is a pull request that changed the license of a project with 11k stars and which (IIUC) is also a common Babel dependency. The license change basically extended the MIT to say "but this license expressly forbids the following random list of companies from using this" blah blah. (I don't think this person realizes GitHub is owned by Microsoft...) The rationalization was very political.
The license in question can be found in the user in question's repo, https://github.com/jamiebuilds/license, and it currently has 53 stars. I think it only had 20-30 yesterday. :/
I have no idea what gets done in situations like this, and will watch with great interest. I say this honestly; I found this over at https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=17872475 while reading a _completely_ unrelated topic, I have no association/involvement/investment in/with the project.
---
There are 1001 interpretations of course. Mine is that this person may be driving themselves into a frenzy of sorts with more and more outlandish actions. I hope I'm wrong! But unfortunately, because of the scale of the internet, the small number of people that are voicing their agreement with this person's views is large enough that it looks like this person has become completely convinced their mental models are accurate and well-founded.
On the one hand, the above is my rationalization for why I thought it might be a good idea to mute this user's account for a few days. I have nothing against them, but thought that maybe the chance to quieten down would mean they might not harm themselves or others, which I definitely would not want to happen.
On the other hand, I've realized that there's nothing to stop this user using email or Slack or whatever else to continue communicating so muting wouldn't have such an isolating (and hopefully calming) effect at all, and (as so often happens with banhammer situations) would instead probably rile them up and make them 1000x worse. So from a "quiet time" standpoint that wouldn't work at all. :(
---
I saw the 2nd block above is relevant but unneeded reading / commentary.
No, I'm pretty sure we're not crazy. I think a lot of the tech world has been taken over by technology fetishists, people who worship complexity for the sake of it.
I’m playing with the idea of quitting software , getting a softskills excel/MS word gov job for equal pay then only programming on spare time in elixir and tensor flow for fun side side projects —- current web dev environment is ridiculous !
> getting a softskills excel/MS word gov job for equal pay
This is a great idea ( I sincerely mean it), and I too have been toying with this.
Gov programming jobs are also very cushy. The knock on them ( / "cons" ) until recently was that they pay very less, almost 40% less, and that it's full of old people. But that has changed -- atleast in San Francisco and Bay Area where I live.
Esp the City of San Francisco tech jobs[1] are quite interesting and many use modern tech. On top of that almost all Govt jobs accrue pension at the rate of 3% of your gross / year, so if you work 17 years or so you can get 50% of your highest salary at retirement.
The con I see is that the process to get hired is very tedious and involves lots of applications and moves very slowly. I was plesantly surprised to see Sr. Software Engineer jobs that were paying anywhere from 110K to 130K [2] -- all govt jobs have to disclose salary or rate range in JD --, which is not to far off from the average in this area for non-FAANG / non-Startup type job.
Federal pension is not that high, just so you know. It's 1%/year, unless you have 20+ years and retire at 62 (not collect, you are still working for the government at age 62 and retire with 20+ years of service). Then it's 1.1%/year. With 17 years you get 17% of your high three year average. You can't collect that pension until you're 62, unless you want to take a penalty.
Now, if you're including the TSP (401k equivalent), maybe? That's 5%/year extra if you also contribute 5%. However, that's what you and the government put into the account, not what's available when you retire. Perhaps it works out to close to 3% average with some estimate of your TSP earnings? I never crunched those numbers.
Government salary ranges can be found at OPM. Look up the GS pay scale. Programmers will be GS-12 to GS-14 positions (most likely 12 or 13, 14 if you're a true subject matter expert, have a Phd, or maybe work at the right facility, otherwise 14s are management).
Still, if you assume something like a 4% return (maybe comparable to the bonds behind them?), that 1.1%/year amounts to another 27.5% on top of your gross pay.
And that's not considering the likelihood that you'll be earning more at the end of your tenure than at the start. You're effectively earning that significant fraction of your final pay on top of whatever you see in your pay check.
What that 1% or 1.1% per year represents is your pension, which is paid like a salary.
So if I work for 20 years and have an average of 100k for my high 3-year, I'm getting $20k/year for the rest of my life.
In the same circumstances but I retire at age 62 (leave work at age 62), I get $22k/year for the rest of my life.
The current President is also talking about eliminating the cost-of-living adjustmetns that have been typical (intended to keep with inflation) for retirees, and changing the 3-year average to a 5-year average.
The other number I gave (5%) is a matching contribution to the TSP (401k equivalent), that is cash given each year and will add up to something more substantial. Even assuming a modest 4%/year return over 20-30 years of contributing.
Taking your example [2]- how would you convince them you meet the requirements for PeopleSoft programming experience. That would seem to be the biggest hurdle as these jobs always seem to have very specific number of years requirements in a certain tech software package for anything other than entry level.
Right? You could still do interesting work, solve problems - but the landscape isn't changing overnight every night, you have the mental resources to learn things you actually want to learn instead of things for work... Not a bad deal.
The only reason I got into web dev were what it offered me as far as ability to make things. But the work itself? I'm just as happy writing reports vs refactoring a test suit. Rails makes software fun for me, I would not have gotten into web dev if i thought React was how things are done.
As an old school embedded programmer, I’ve stopped trying to even figure out how many layers of abstraction, data transfer and transformation, business rules, and libraries are between the user and the metal in modern software. Nobody values small and concise anymore. Big and complicated pays the paychecks.
Same here. I'm hoping to retire by selling my current SaaS business (which uses vanilla ASP.NET/Web API/IIS) so I don't have to get back in the market and learn the new way of doing things.
I can totally sympathize - but there's a lot out there, and more than one way to do things - especially on the web. That's what makes it such a great platform!
Would you want to code in your retirement, or do you plan on hanging up your keyboard?
I started programming on a VC-20 doing basic and later assembler. Just this for years. Glorious times.
What helps a little is to go deep into the history of computer programming and see the big picture. The fundamental problems defined in the 30s ~ 50s are still very much relevant. Kubernates, node, react etc are just ripples.
I'm outside that perimeter, too. And I suspect you and I may not necessarily be the only ones.
They tell me that on the inside, there's actually a project or too where horrendous complexity is unavoidable and hence in order. As for the vast majority, they're just happily running in circles - or probably some infinitely more complex geometric abstractions - creating endlessly escalating cycles of work for each other.
To your list, I would add Docker. I fucking hate that all-pervading obfuscator.
Docker have gone along way but Kubernetes they need more and more version. I feel as I get older I'm more incline to wait a few version for the bugs to be fix and the api to be solidified. The majority of the software out there that come out with version 1 is just marketing to get people to adopt it and they work out the kink as they go on.
If you are then you aren't the only one. A lot of this stuff seems to spill out of companies like Google or Facebook and I'm sure it makes sense at their scale. For most of us we just don't have the same problems and are probably better off avoiding it.
This is interesting. While I'm going preface most of these tools with having not used them to their full extent, to me, they still seem to solve very real world problems:
Kubernetes: I've actually not used kubernetes yet; I do hope to, sometime in the future. I do see the value in managing distributing the images/code required for a job to the machine that will eventually execute it, and distributing jobs automatically, as opposed to by hand. I've worked with a system similar to Kubernetes, and having used it, I understand the appeal and miss it greatly. Docker images (which I understand Kubernetes to use) also greatly simplify my life as a developer; generally, the actual VM my stuff is deployed to is significantly out of date (e.g., it's CentOS or Ubuntu) and this allows me to, e.g., get a very recent version of Python 3. It greatly pushes one toward (IMO) not having snowflake (unique, hand-crafted, but can't lose them) machines.
Node: I don't use Node server side; I mostly use npm for managing fetching client-side dependencies. Otherwise, this would be either committing them directly (I dislike mixing third-party and first-party code; it encourages ad-hoc fixes/changes, and doesn't get updated regularly) or a bash script to fetch them (more painful to maintain in the long run than npm, IMO). It also fetches indirect dependencies, so I don't need to figure out that this project requires that dependency, etc. Also, Babel is a godsend of a tool for dealing with browsers that haven't implemented the latest ECMAScript features. In particular, JavaScript modules are wonderful compared to life without.
React: I've not used full react; I've actually not used it at all for lack of time. I would like to use it, as building up UI elements via the DOM APIs is downright painful. Having not used JSX at all, I can completely understand why someone would invent JSX.
Terraform: We didn't use this for a while. AWS resources where managed by hand; nobody would know why something was in a particular configuration, and configurations between production and non-production environments would be different, with no clear rationale as the why. TF at least allows comments and a history of changes (when version controlled), and the language helps keeps things consistent where they should be.
For every one of of the things there is a simpler approach that not only works, but is more robust and will better serve smaller projects. It's not that they don't solve problems, but that there are different perspectives of the problem space entirely - often exceeding simply technical justifications and taking a larger look at it.
If you've got a kubernetes problem, go for it. But there is a lot of value in simplicity too.
Ah, I recognize this. All these things are cool, amazing, and great proof of concepts, but building a production application on them just feels like hubris.
You're not the only crazy one, or even crazy at all. Even before the technologies you mention, devs were complaining [1] about how the non-innate aspects of software development had overwhelmed the joy of writing code.
Yup. It's like this huge bureaucracy we've created for ourselves. You can't just run code on a target platform, you have to learn about all the thousands new forms to fill, and then fill them all in triplicate.
I make <$15/hr doing grunt work. I've been working on a code portfolio, but I don't think it's good enough yet to let me start applying for tech jobs, and I'm not great at algorithms or JS frameworks anyway. So I haven't been.
I try to get at least one Git commit every day, but my job is pretty draining, so that doesn't happen. And sometimes all my projects get blocked on hard stuff that I don't have the energy to solve.
For all I know, I might look alright on paper. I've co-authored a paper in a respectable journal, written a few Rails apps, a few desktop apps, and a crappy interpreter for an old language - which doesn't really use any compiler theory stuff except a simple hand-rolled lexer/parser, so that's probably a strike against me more than anything else. I'd delete it except I want there to be something that lets me step through programs in this thing so when my Project Euler problem attempts in this language fail I can figure out why, which is why I wrote it in the first place. But I keep revising my goals downward. I've been thinking I ought to go get an A+ cert and become an IT grunt - the pay would be a little better than what I'm doing now, I'd be able to afford the occasional steak...
Don't clean up anything. Just apply for the next 5 development jobs you see. See if you make it to the interview and how that goes.
That will help you understand where you stand.
Also see that other post on imposter syndrome above :)
You don't need to be perfect to start your first job as a developer. You are supposed to learn on the job.
I can imagine that there are senior engineers that couldn't explain to me what a lexer/parser does let alone elaborate on the trade offs of a specific implementation.
I'm not in the position to hire but send me an email if you want to connect.
I'm not to the stage where I can elaborate on tradeoffs yet either - I just followed a tutorial. And the language it's for doesn't need much in the way of parsing. You can't quite just build an array of tokens and use it as your program stack, but that's only because you have to be able to handle definitions and library imports.
I have a feeling you are selling yourself short (and being overly hard on yourself, something I'm well acquainted with but more easily recognize in others).
Based on your technical focus, you're clearly (in my opinion) way above the "average" developer in technical ambition and appreciation for computer science.
A bit of unsolicited advice: If you organize your preparations around the concept of providing value to a prospective employer, rather than merely getting hired to write code, then I bet your outlook will change. One book (and definitely not the only one) that can help with that is Bob Martin's The Clean Coder: A Code of Conduct for Professional Programmers:
You're being very hard on yourself. You're more than ready to excel at a tech job, and in fact you seem to be far more ready than most candidates.
Rather than figure out what code you haven't written or what system you haven't studied, spend the time figuring out what's getting in your way emotionally. Then try to put those fears to the side for a few weeks and start hustling for jobs. Your life is going to change dramatically, and as soon as you're ready to let it!
Have you tried applying? You sound at least as qualified as most of the entry-level candidates we get. Maybe send out a dozen resumes and see what sort of response you get before you decide you're not qualified yet!
You should apply for some junior jobs. Finish up your portfolio and have your code (clean it up if you need to, but don't waste time re-architecting ) available on GitHub.
Start applying at places with small software teams (<20) and something will stick.
Have you tried putting yourself out there for work? As patio11 recently said, try to fail out of 20 interviews. It's un-possible -- the hiring process is so broken, you'll get an offer.
Then it's up to you to catch up to their expectations. If you fail in that, so what! You'll have your first gig on your resume, and I bet you'll have learned a lot about working as a dev in that time. You'll be miles ahead of grinding it on your own.
Just have several strategies for coping with failure or disappointing yourself, otherwise it can be extra rough.
Here is what I'd recommend - buy a copy of cracking the code interview (its maybe 20-30$), and do every single problem (or most of them) in there by hand on paper.
Then reach out to some software devs you know and have them give you mock interviews (if you reach out to me I'd be more then willing to help).
Then you will be prepared to ace any big tech co interview. Apply to as many of these jobs as you can (I applied to over 100 and got a job at one of the FAANG). Or if that's not working, you could try something like TripleByte to get in the door
have you heard of interviewing.io for mock interviews? One of my friends is hooked on that site for giving interviews.
If I ever have to interview again, I am going to use that site for a few weeks first.
I know of no other domain where it is expected that you learn on the job and don't come pre-built with all the necessary knowledge to perform on day one.
If you are doing 15$ an hour ask for some place that will hire you for 20$ at the bottom of the barrel, knowing you want to learn on the job and ask if that salary can be reviewed every 3 months.
Also where are you located? Some of us might be looking for interns or junior devs willing to learn.
Nothing beats putting in the time, no one is a coding pro by default. Sounds like you're on the right path. Try finding a topic or area that interests you and dive in there a bit. Makes it easier to get those daily commits if it's interesting to you.
There are people that I have interviewed that didn't even know the bare basics of programming. you are well higher on the list than you think you are. apply.
I'm struggling to get away from being a developer. I left a comfortable, but low-paying job because there was no future and no promotions or job changes in sight. I want to work with people, not code. I hate being by myself in front of a computer all day.
That led to my current job, where I'm paid twice as much but not really measuring up to their expectations. I'm still by myself in front of a computer all day. I can't see myself getting promoted given how unimpressed they are with my performance.
I had a chance to get some experience doing something other than programming, so I took it - a 20-hours-a-week contract as volunteer coordinator on a political campaign, which I absolutely love, but now I'm stressed and running for my life all the time because I'm working every hour that I'm awake (and sometimes waking up in the middle of the night to add more stuff to my todo list).
I'm in trouble at my day job because my performance there has gotten worse, and expect to be fired soon. And now I'm worried that I'm doing badly at the second job as well, because I keep on forgetting things and making mistakes. It's too much and I'm miserable.
Let me ask you this... what would you do if your employer fired you right now? Would you be homeless? What's really at stake here? You will NEVER have the time to put towards the work you love if you spend the majority of your time doing work you don't care about.
It's really a disservice to you and your employer to be in this situation. Have you tried to communicate with them? Do they do any kind of employee reviews? Not being funny, but are you scared to stir the pot a bit and tell them you're just not happy?
Why not talk to your non-profit client and tell them you're leaving your job and want to get involved on a bigger scale. Ask if they know people that could use your talents. Life is short, sitting in front of a computer being miserable is no way to spend that precious time.
I need the last paycheck. So I'm sticking it out to the end of the month. But if I don't get fired, I'm going to ask for a leave of absence, or quit.
But I'm still worried about what happens next. Rent in my city is expensive, and salaries are comparatively low. The political job pays decently, for the city, but even if I can find a similar full time job after election season, I'll be paying a little over half my salary in rent. So that tells me that I'm probably going to be leaving town soon, leaving my local network, and facing more instability and turmoil... no matter where I look, I don't see a peaceful settled life in my future for a long time.
Rent too high? Move in with more roommates. Or find a cheaper area to live. Also eliminate expensive hobbies, replace with free ones like hiking or community activities, cook all your food yourself, use lots of staple ingredients.
If you want to stay in technology but not actually write code, give Product Management or Project Management a try. You’ll make less money than a similar level engineer, but your job will rely more on communication and relationship building, which is fun if you’re an extrovert!
You can code on your spare time to keep your skills sharp if it’s still moderately interesting to you.
Long-term: dating/relationships. I'm very outgoing, but I have love shyness or something like that. I basically don't date. I find the entire thing extremely stressful and unbearable. I've always been alone.
Short-term: not much! I recently dropped everything and moved to the other side of the globe (Japan) on a student visa. I'm studying a very interesting language and culture and making friends with people from all over the world that are on average 15 years my junior. I'm also brushing up on technology, learning new programming languages and stacks. This is a sort of sabbatical for me, so I plan on picking up creative hobbies (drawing, making music) as time permits.
> I'm very outgoing, but I have love shyness or something like that. I basically don't date. I find the entire thing extremely stressful and unbearable. I've always been alone.
I can relate to this a lot. If I may make a recommendation - despite the awful name, Models[0] by Mark Manson[1] did a lot to re-frame my interaction with women I'm romantically interested in. It takes the refreshing approach that rather than learning tricks or lines like other male-oriented dating books this one comes from a place of honesty and vulnerability. He has a blog [2] if you want a taste of his writing.
" I basically don't date. I find the entire thing extremely stressful and unbearable"
I had the same problem. I am sure you have heard this before"you regret what you do not do, not what you did". So SUCK IT UP, and get out there. After a few dates, you will thank me. But I agree the short term sucks, but it will be worth it.
I'm 21, never asked a girl out. I'm same as you, I think I'm pretty outgoing and generally social (not to social, but I'm ok I guess) and I'm good looking too (I go to the gym 5 days a week). But the whole dating thing seems almost pointlessly stressful to me, I don't even quite know how to do it and at this age it seems embarrassing to be this inexperienced.
Social activities, like all others need to be practiced regularly to become good at them.
Quick question, which produces better results, going to the gym, or thinking about going to the gym over and over in your head? How about public speaking?
Think of it as a muscle to be exercised. An actor friend of mine described acting in the same manner.
But it just seems impossible to practice. I'm 21 years old and at this age everyone has a lot of expectations about their partners but I know that I cannot fulfill those expectations, exactly because of what you said (because I never practiced those muscles). It just feels very strongly like if I ever ask a girl out I'll just make a dick out of myself. Ok, see I'm NOT shy, if I see you in a conference, I'l talk to you. I don't have social anxiety or whatever too. It just feels there is a very high probability me insulting the girl I'm hitting on (and PLEASE don't tell me "you don't have to hit on a girl, just become friends" I have tons of girl friends and that never works, if you don't ask a girl out, no matter how often you guys hang out, you're just always friends. And that's the barrier I keep hitting all the time) and thus ruining everything in a horrible manner.
As mixmastamyk said, it's exactly the same as the gym (I work out ~5 days a week too and I started from being the least athletic person in school/college).
I hear people say — I'm already 30 and starting to exercise is too late, or that they're intimidated by other people at the gym, or that they don't know where to start. Having gone through a similar experience as yours, I gotta say you just have to start. Don't overthink it. You'll fail. Try again, keep at it, and eventually there'll be a breaking point.
Might be different nowadays but back when malls were a thing you could just go down to the mall and practice. 1st step for me was to set a goal to approach 100 women (or 50 or 20, whatever you can do) and go do it. They’re all strangers so it doesn’t matter if you goof up or look silly. Don’t focus on the results at first, just the process and mechanics of approaching, and review later what worked and didn’t. It’s like learning any sport or skill. Study, practice, review.
> everyone has a lot of expectations about their partners
This is the thinking you have to get away from. The expectations are not that great, and if you think they are, this just makes you more anxious. You'll be surprised how forgiving/nice/helpful people can be when you're vulnerable or screw up. So go and do it anyway, and ask forgiveness later.
Sign up for a dating website. Don't expect too much out of any particular interaction. Just try to learn from each one and get better. It helps knowing that everybody there is more or less on the same page.
I discovered that worst-case situations were actually easier, because failure was expected and thus didn't hurt.
Asking out a plain girl was difficult. Asking out an ugly one meant that a rejection would be devastating. ("even the ugly ones reject me")
So, what to do...? I marched myself out to the city park and ordered myself to approach the hottest women I could find.
One day I walked through the park and spotted an impossibly beautiful woman in a skimpy bikini. She was lying on a stone bench, covered in tanning oil. I walked past thinking "damn...", and then I had to walk past her again just to get another look. Then a silly thought popped into my head: "ask her out". Ha, ha, ha... no seriously, do it. You have to. After passing by a few more times, I said to myself that it was hopeless but I'd be kicking myself if I didn't try. Go on, get the rejection, it doesn't matter. She could get any guy, so it doesn't reflect badly. It's just practice. It's good to practice so you don't fumble over your words.
Well, she took me home with her.
I froze hard with shyness soon afterward, but hey, it was progress. Each time gets easier.
Note that I didn't suggest that I thought she'd only judge me on looks. I also was not a doctor or lawyer, and I didn't have the social skills of a politician.
Fundamentally, rejection hurts. The more you get rejected, the more it hurts, because you can no longer excuse it as being about the other person. Recovering from a rejection can take years.
I used to have something similar in terms of dating. Not sure how old you are but once you do it once it gets easier. I had a near death experience at about 25 and a friend showed a romantic interest and we were together for a long while after that. My problem is that I either wasn't interested in anyone or I fell in love completely with all the issues that can cause but for a lot of people dating isn't quite like that...
I'm having a blast. Best move of my life! The only thing I slightly regret is not doing it 10 years ago. But it's still ok.
I'm loving the place (Tokyo), the culture, the opportunities, the food, the way of life, and I'm making tons of friends.
If I can get proficient in the language (it's looking good, I'm top of the class for now) I'll look for a job here, hopefully for an American tech company. I have a CS degree and 10+ years of experience. English is my 2nd language, but I'm way ahead than in Japanese, plus I'd rather work in a US- or EU-style workplace, because Japanese companies are scary places.
I'd love to make a tech startup, I have tons of ideas. But that will depend on connections, opportunities, and visa status.
Finally, girls seem to be more interested in me here, and the social dynamics seem more... relaxed? so I may have a chance to overcome my struggle. But the first step is getting good at the actual language.
Can you contact me at username at gmail? This also goes for anybody else who would like to meet for a drink, or for whatever question about studying / moving to Japan.
Yes, Intercultural Institute of Japan. Awesome school, from all points of view.
You need someone to work out the papers and details for you. That can be your local language school, if you have one, or an international service such as Go Go Nihon.
I strongly recommend getting good at hiragana, katakana, and learning the writing (not the reading) of all 2,200 common kanji before coming here. It will make a huge difference in your rate of learning.
I would focus on that, because they already cover grammar and vocabulary at a reasonable pace here at school. I used Heisig's book and the excellent Kanji Koohii website/progressive app. It's a long business, but not hard at all. It just takes time and dedication, say 1–2 hours every day for several months. But you can and should split that time into small chunks all throughout the day. Basically, whenever you're not actively working, sleeping, or driving, take out your phone and use that app.
Also, if English is your 1st language, get a pronunciation coach. The vowels and many consonants are completely different. If you happen to be Italian, then you're in luck, because we have 99% the same sounds as Japanese. (Only the U is slightly different.)
No, in general. If anything, here I'm an "exotic" person who has done a "brave" thing (moving to another continent) and therefore I seem to be more "interesting" than I was back home. Time will tell.
More recent jobs I have been told I am not coding quick enough, and being grilled because something took 2X or 3X that they expected done in X. Not sure if I am slow, have slowed down, or remained the same speed and now expectations are a lot faster, or it is more transparent with time logging in JIRA being a big thing now.
What I do different to other coders I have noticed when doing code reviews is I do a lot less copy/paste and like to think about how to put code together in a better way. I also find it hard to do boring work fast, I get distracted. I also find it hard to focus in a noisy office so that can slow me down too. Some joker comes up and makes some jokes and all the state I have built up in my head is lost.
One trick I've learned is to write out, (in a structured comment), what I am going to do an how I'm going to do it _before_ actually writing the code.
It seems redundant but it actually forces me to do a quick think-through of what's happening. Plus distractions get a lot easier to handle: I just need to read what I've written down to reload the context.
Paradoxically, I've found that this method of typing out _more stuff_ actually helps me finish much faster.
I second this. Over time and struggling with concentration in bullshit jobs, I've learned following tricks when I feel stuck and/or stressed out:
- I have an org-mode document with a TODO list and project notes always open. Whenever I'm stuck, I'll start decomposing the task into smaller and smaller TODO items, simultaneously with doing a written brainstorm. Sometimes I'll write out a hundred lines of text, but it does help me get unstuck.
- Similar to what you mention, I frequently write a TODO list in comment as a scaffolding in the file I work on, and I then proceed to fill the space between TODO items with appropriate code.
(off-topic) Org mode is really amazing. I've transitioned almost completely from Emacs to Vim over the last few years but I still have Emacs on my dock only because of `org-mode`. I've tried substitutes in vim but nothing really works.
(back on topic) Another advantage of writing comments is coming back to the code becomes so much easier. I can re-read the comments and understand what's going on much faster.
To do this properly I've developed a simple system of 'categories' that allow me to structure the comments properly. I think they works really well. For anyone curious - here's an example in my last weekend project: https://github.com/theproductiveprogrammer/luminate
Check out the comments in the code (`main.js`). I think they make the code much easier to understand and maintain. It's almost an alternative to TDD - Comment Driven Design (CDD!)
If people are doing a lot of copy-and-paste or boilerplate, then it sounds like a management issue. I suspect other people are in the same boat as you and are just hacking up anything that works and Just Ship It(tm) to look good.
This is a modern version of an old problem, now with all the micromanagement tracking and Github stats, etc. But it's all equivalent to the practice of counting lines of code. And it's wrong for all the same reasons.
My answer to this is the same for the last 10+ years. Management needs to read The Mythical Man-Month and internalize it, and you need to find a new job.
Too many companies out there think they can run their bloated organization as lean as a startup with all the cruft a "best practices" operation has. Unit tests, end-to-end tests, proper QA, peer review, various code sign-offs, etc. etc. etc. Meanwhile, Joe Bob Developer at Startup Inc. has root access to the prod server and pushed to prod three times before lunch.
Procrastination - wanting to accomplish things (technical things - learn new language, stack, technology) in my head but not actually starting/completing them. I've tried to minimize my hobbies and whatnot so that I'm not being torn in too many directions but I guess I just aspire to do more software dev-type activities (in my head) but after a day job related to that I can't quite muster up the energy (default to FO4, Youtube or guitar).
I also noticed that after a day at work, I don't really feel like doing anything other than browsing the internet or reading. What's worked for me is recognizing that and moving things I want to do to the morning instead. I'll go to bed at 9 or 10 and get up at 5 or 6, spend a couple hours in the morning working on whatever project is currently interesting to me, and then go to work. I do find that by the end of the work day I'm not as motivated/productive, but that's a trade-off I've accepted. Something like this could work for you too!
Also, I find that I am 1000% more likely to do something if I tell someone else that I'm going to do it and ask them to hold me to it (and ask about my progress every so often). I wonder if this could help you to make more progress towards your goals?
Feel free to respond to this or send me an email at my username @gmail if you want to chat more about this... I'm also looking for ways to conquer procrastination and get more done!
Zen Mind Beginners Mind - I'm not religious in the slightest but I knew a part of my problem was that I wasn't really being self aware. I had friend that was into meditation and swore it helped him be more self aware. So I picked up this book and read it along side using the Headspace app to get into meditation. I use it as a moment of calm and clarity, to regain my thoughts, and refocus. Especially when I feel procrastination kicking in. It helped me calm down and identify why I was procrastinating and often come up with a plan to deal with whatever was making me want to procrastinate. I found I was often thinking or focusing or stressing about something else instead of focusing on me and my wants.
The Now Habit - This was a book a friend of mine recommended to me. They said it helped them breakout of the rut they felt they were stuck in. It definitely helped me a bit. At the very least it helped me identify the things I wanted to do and do them. While also enjoying myself with the "Guilt Free Play" he talks about being important.
7 Habits of Highly Successful People: This book was another friend recommendation, that helped me focus on and deal with my own internal issues that was encouraging my procrastination. I was able to start identifying them and working on them.
It took me about 6 months of diligent work to get myself out of my procrastinating funk and get myself to a place where I was starting to be happy with what I did. I still occasionally break these books out and go over them, I still meditate to help me keep focused, etc. There isn't some quick fix to deal with it, but I believe you can learn to manage and deal with your procrastination like I have.
Accountability is huge - don't have that for any of my projects so that's a great idea.
Early mornings are a great idea too, but my default body clock is night owl, not morning person so I find it very tough to get up and do anything intensive in the morning. I'm sure that can be changed with time/effort, but it's a tough one (especially with a kid that might get up at 5 or 6 any given day)
It's funny reading this, because I just implemented these exact strategies recently and have been seeing great success with it. I could have written this comment myself.
I had been dealing with this myself. It took a lot of work but I managed to break out of my rut of self fulfilling procrastination. I always let myself be overworked until I had no time for the things I wanted to do. So it wasn't my fault I didn't do any of things I wanted to do.
But I managed to get myself straitened out at the end of last year and into this year. I got myself back on track, I've been reading a book a month, I study and passed my GRE, and I got into Grad School (classes just started a couple of weeks ago).
You can pull yourself out of what ever is stopping you, I believe in you.
My relationship with money. I make more than like 98% of the population but my parents grew up middle/lower class so I'm just constantly worried about having enough for retirement, and having enough money for kids, and having enough money for their education, AND any possible illnesses/issues having seen families with health insurance crippled by things like cancer treatments. It seems like no matter what, I find myself cutting my own hair, using grocery bags for trash bags, and generally being a bit crazy in the frugal dept while also socking away 85% of my paycheck because it just feels like there is not enough.
Insurance at it's core is amortization for individual risks you cannot bear the burden of, but as a group people could. Things like illness, accidents, disability etc. I recommend you get a fiduciary and explore insurance for the risks and annuities if you want to remove risk around your income too .
For most people the challenge is that they're running much higher than 15% of their pay. So it takes forever to get the equity required to no longer need an income stream (AKA job)
Try putting some amount ($20, $100, doesn't really matter) aside which you will spend on 'useless' things every month. Just make sure you spend that money and you don't spend it on things you buy normally. After a while you might find that if you spend $20 dollar on useless stuff, it might be worth spending $2 on trash bags. That should help relax your relationship with money.
I struggle with this too. People who grew up in more well-heeled upbringings always comment on how certain things I do aren't "worth my time" since I am so used to money being more valuable than time instead of the other way around. I spend hours optimizing for "small" bargains and cost savings like my peers do (out of necessity).
Move to a country like Norway or Germany where it doesn’t matter how much you make. Social security covers the basic and medical needs. Problem solved.
Living on the minimum amount of pension isn't as easy as it sounds, especially if you never had a well paying job. There are a lot of very poor old people that have to be supported by their families if possible or by smaller side incomes.
Nor is living on wellfare in one of those places, however, OP has a job and will have one there too. If is just the feeling of safety that if everything goes wrong, you and your family are covered no matter what. That takes away the healthcare and pension strssses. In the meanwhile nothing changes and he would be in the 95% there too; big pension. But no stress for ‘what if’ while getting there. It helps, I know, I am from the Netherlands and just the thought that you have a safety net is all that matters even though I will never use it.
For several years I've struggled to learn enough Japanese for daily living. (Spouse is Japanese and we moved to Japan a few years ago with our 3 school-aged kids). Very little success on this. しょうがないね
My wife is out of town anywhere between 3 days to 2 weeks each month for her job. While she is gone, we rely heavily on her parents (with whom I cannot communicate directly). They take care of laundry and dinner for the kids. I take care of all the other housework and breakfast.
I work at a large corp (English speaking technology department, Japanese company) with very little career progression without business-level Japanese skill. My dev skills feel rusted and I try not to despair about my career.
So what do you do? Do you double down on Japanese and try to get some level of fluency and let your dev skill rot? Or do you focus on polishing those dev skills and push the language learning back even farther? You get maybe an hour a day for this purpose.
Unfortunately I own a house where the mortgage exceeds the value of the property. So I am not in a position to move to greener pastures.
As an added bonus, I've hit mid-forty now and my body is starting to go. Exercise and diet help, but ifaik there is no cure for aging/degrading biologic systems.
...
But here's the thing: As a man -- and especially as a white, English-speaking, North American man -- nobody gives a shit about my problems. Sure, family and old friends care that I have troubles, but from the perspective that they hope the problems go away. (to be clear, I mean this as a general case, not specific to this country)
I painting myself into a corner, and just have to keep working to make things better.
It's simple, but not easy -> Keep working hard. Do whatever you can to improve yourself and your situation. Ask for help when you can. Don't complain.
---
Edit to add:
Thank you everyone for your kind comments. I appreciate it very much and will carefully consider your suggestions.
>So what do you do? Do you double down on Japanese and try to get some level of fluency and let your dev skill rot?
Honest answer, from someone who grew up as a child of a diplomat (and is also a white, mid-40's middle-aged man)- this isn't even close to an even question. Push your language training as hard as you possibly can.
Linguistic and cultural competency will gain you access to not only the people of the country you live in, but will also gain you the ability to better understand your children as they grow up in a Japanese environment.
Compare that to honing, what, experience with some APIs that will be out of favor in half a decade anyway? There's no path forward if you don't speak the language as it is. Focus on the important stuff (communication) first. Dev skills can be resharpened rapidly as needed.
As an American ex-pat (different country, different language, same shit) - 100% prioritize Japanese fluency. It really will unlock doors for you to speak the native language well, it will reduce your sense of social isolation and eventually make you happier.
Seeing other ex-pats here without fluency, their lives are so much more difficult. Not quite as isolating for them, since there's a fairly large English-speaking expat community here, but still, seeing them struggle with the most basic things has given me newfound appreciation for the difficulties that immigrants to the US face while their English skills are weak.
> But here's the thing: As a man -- and especially as a white, English-speaking, North American man -- nobody gives a shit about my problems.
I migrated to different country from my birth country as well. You know what, nobody gave a shot about my problems in my home country and nobody does in my adopted country.
I am very independent, but few times when I leaned on someone they totally failed me (not intentionally), so I don't even expect anything from anyone.
It's libersting to know exactly what I am capable of because there's no one else in the equation.
I think people fail others in that sort of situation because they have to prioritise their own problems first, and they forget a plan to aid another, or run out of time, etc. As you said, self-sufficiency is important, and getting any help from others is a bonus.
Seems you are suffering from what a lot of Japanese married man have, no one gives a shit about your problems except that you bring back the bills.
There is a reasons people don't even date anymore here.
Take some time for yourself and don't stop hustling.
I think it's more universal than that and it's not that no one cares about your problems, it's that they need to care about their problems first, and that's draining.
Also have a slack you can hang out in @ hntokyo.io
While I don't know you personally, I can definitely say I spend too much time trying to swoop in and solve problems when I hear about them, so maybe you'll find something you didn't think of there. Also, it's nice to get out and meet others to at least take your mind off of life for a while and maybe make some beneficial connections.
I think the average age might be a little lower than yours but the vast majority seem to be 30+, so it's not all teeny-boppers.
As other commenters said - learn the bloody language man!
I've been living in several countries and while I'm a huge snob when it comes to language the benefits are _insane_, especially when it comes to Asia where english is not that common.
At the risk of trivializing your situation because I can't even begin to imagine the frustration that I would feel in your situation.
Do you have coworkers who are bilingual and can start speaking to you daily in Japanese and English? Are your kids learning Japanese in a way that you might be able to learn it with them and sharing in that experience?
I keep getting in a loop where I feel like I can't grow and the challenges aren't there, so my work performance starts to slacken, which in turn is used to justify giving me the same tasks again. Eventually I burn out and get a new job, which I'm excited about for about a year, before it becomes clear that what was promised me in terms of opportunity and advancement isn't going materialize any time soon. Then I start to slack again. I do average work and remain in the same spot. Someone else gets the promotion I thought I was going to, I get more bitter, and try even less. Then the loop repeats.
Some of this is cultural, but a lot of it is me. I really struggle to maintain motivation and it shows. Especially when someone junior to me (in terms of experience overall, though usually at the company longer) who hates managing gets promoted to leading the team. At that point, I kind of check out.
As a result I never establish myself enough to be in the position to actually get promoted, and just seem to cycle every 2 years.
Maybe start taking on as much responsibility as you can for the role you want before you have it. Obviously that has to be done respectfully and in a genuinely helpful manner relative to however has the role now.
But if you focus on the idea that anyone in a company can have a CEO type impact (or other role impact) if they learn how to manage themselves and others well, then you may be more motivated by the challenge and progress toward your goal.
And you will be 100% more qualified than you need to be when you officially get the role you want. So think beyond just the next step.
That's been my go to the last couple cycles. It hasn't worked.
For instance, at my previous job, I wound up as essentially the only person on a team. In addition to performing the technical functions, I worked to build it back into a team. I created (and communicated) what my vision for that team was supposed to be, mapping out what we would do when it was reconstituted, and started training other people to do some of the functions.
After 6 months of what I was told was very impressive work, the reorg came. They decided to have another person lead that team, and swap somebody new in to the on paper non-lead role I had been filling. They put me in a different part of the team underneath somebody more junior who had no interest in managing as part of a general reorg.
That person also had no interest in working for the company even after the promotion, and left (part of an ongoing exoducs at that time). You'd think that would finally leave me as a team lead, but instead our team was explicitly left leaderless, with the next level (and architect of the reorg) theoretically picking up the slack.
This created a bit of a nightmare, because everyone expected me to be leading that team, but I was explicitly forbidden from doing so. I went from setting the direction for my own work to getting arbitrary tasks given to me. I wasn't looped in on or consulted about the general direction of the team, and it was far away from where I'd been so I didn't have any idea what the team (which had only recently been created) was supposed to be doing.
It was chaos and frustrating - people kept coming to me assuming I was leading, and I kept having to defer. I really don't understand what the point was of not allowing me to lead the team (and it was a very explicit choice), other than out of spite or some kind of built in bias. I really stopped caring at that point. When I left a couple months later my boss reminisced how my work had been so good but had dropped precipitously.
What's sad is the same thing happened at the previous job in a lot of ways. I did get made the team lead eventually, but at that point there literally was no team since the exodus was larger (all the non-contractor developers had left). Once again, I was the tail end of the exodus.
I keep at it. I'm always evangelizing improvements, trying to create a better environment for other employees, trying to work with the new ones, trying to find those places where there is opportunity to grow.
A lot of time, my suggestions get ignored, but I keep making them. I implement them anyway, they are well received. I get a pat on the back and told to work on something very different. I can't get excited about that something different and can only view it as an obstacle to be overcome before I can go back to pushing on the things I care about, and the loop begins.
I do only okay work on the things I don't care about, which is used to justify me staying in my position. I stop doing things that are beyond my role, because it seems pointless. I care less and less.
There's something about somebody getting promoted to the position you wanted and then using your 1 on 1s to complain about how much they hate the position that just kills me.
At some point the job starts to become entirely managing visibility, be it keeping meaningful projects under the radar so that they don't yoinked away, or promoting them mercilessly. I've been in one on ones where my boss tried to show me a list of things they wanted to see for me to get promoted, then realized they were describing exactly what I was doing, yoinked it away, and had to spend 6 months "refining" it.
If they do that enough times - if I spend enough time just playing these games trying to find some way to sneak through the cracks and do some actual refactoring or whatever it is, eventually I stop caring entirely. It starts to feel like it's all politics anyway, so why bother.
I get into an Office Space state - work my ass off, get a pat on the back, but make any mistakes and 5 people are asking why I didn't have test coverage for that case, why I copy pasted this code carelessly, whatever mistake I made when I was slacking.
I don't know how to break out of that state in any sense. I don't know how to recognize if the environment really IS discriminating against me, or I'm just letting laziness get the better of me. If I decide the latter I don't how to motivate myself to care like I used to.
Have you tried yoga? It's kinda like Apple, but instead of just working, it just solves (almost) everything. If you can find a good studio and hang on to it, that might help. Also, I'd recommend Vinyasa, or Ashtanga, or any dynamic variant. Not slow yoga, I feel like it doesn't help letting go as much. Hang in there!
Hey I'd suggest going out and just walking around/wandering in peaceful and sometimes semi-crowded places. I find that it
Also more scientifically, the vitamin D probably helps[0] (there are more recent papers so do some searching), and exposure to people probably helps[1] -- you can be in a situation with people around, but you're not required to interact with them. Eventually I get the feeling that you'll venture out little by little with a more interaction to spice up the walks.
I second the therapist.
But in addition to that I'd also suggest trying a martial art.
Depending on where you live you may have more or less choice in terms of style/school/"hardness"... see what looks fine for you and try it (martial art schools tend to have family/friendship connotations so this would help with isolation too).
I did therapy, martial arts and high speed sports like MX and skiing. Now I just know how to live with depression, it's easy if you learn how not to kill yourself and have friends that enjoy your cynicism.
I can so specifically relate to this struggle. I One year ago I lost my best friend of 32 years, and while I have struggled with depression on and off my whole life, it has now become turbo charged. There is something particularly sobering in the context of one's mortality when you lose someone close, and whose life mirrors your's in many ways. I just wanted to say to hang in there, and when at all possible, if someone invites you somewhere, make yourself go, even if you really don't want to. Sometimes, the body needs the physical activities of non-depressed behavior to kick itself out of it's rut. Such delicate beings we are- electrical and chemical. The pain of loss never goes away, but you will adapt to it and thrive again.
I used to have a lot of social anxiety. For me the cure was forcing myself to go out. I started with really geeky meetups where I didn't find anyone intimidating and we all shared common interests. It was really hard, I felt like I had so many failures, I had anxiety every single time I went, I had times when I felt I was improving then times when I felt I was reverting backwards.
Accept that there will be failures, but know that you're making progress because of those failures. Force yourself out and get social exposure. It will eventually almost entirely fade away.
Certainly do therapy if that makes sense to you and spend some time to find a therapist that really connects with you. One thing that has helped me meet people is becoming a "regular" at my local coffee shop. Not only do the baristas know me but I've gotten to know some of the other regulars over time. It's nice because you can have a chat without a lot of expectation or stress.
Interviewing. I'm good at my good. My portfolio is at least decent, and I get a lot of responses on my resume, but I consistently can't close the deal. I also have a very hard time bettering myself with the lack of feedback. I've gotten better at all the stuff you can read about online and often made it to the final round, but I can't make it to an offer.
IMO, software interviewing is pretty heavily broken. I struggled with this and I decided (rightly or wrongly) that the problem wasn't me, it really was the process.
Whiteboard coding is nonsense for any other purpose than weeding out the truly incompetent.
Past that point, it's a crapshoot. I think homework / portfolio are the most reasonable evaluative tools, but there are some legitimate downsides there around the bias it can introduce into your process, and the potential candidates who may be turned off by it.
Things worked out for me, but not before I had some serious self doubt.
So, stick too it. You (probably, I don't actually know) are good at your job - don't let the nonsense process convince you otherwise. Look for companies that share your viewpoints.
Absolutely. Asking a person to produce correct code with just a whiteboard/pen/notepad is like asking a surgeon to do with just a kitchen knife. An intelligent code-completing&checking IDE, a debugger and the Internet should be considered parts of a developer's body nowadays, restricting usage of these makes just as much sense as restricting usage of glasses for reading or requiring people to get to the office without using personal/public transport vehicles.
The point of whiteboard interviews are supposedly to understand a person's thought process when they're solving a problem. They're supposed to explain step by step so the interviewer can pick their brain a little.
If an interviewer scolds you for writing whiteboard code that will cause a compiler syntax error, red flag, time to bail out. This is now how they are supposed to be done.
Properly done I might go against the grain saying I prefer whiteboarding tests over take-home tests. With whiteboarding, both parties are at least with equal time investment and a higher level of transparency. And once the interview is done, it is done. No thinking about how to schedule your next few days around finishing unpaid work for a company that you may have a chance with.
I’m almost convinced at this point that tech interviews are essentially random dice throws and the results have very little if anything to do with whether the candidate is qualified. Failing an interview stings the ego, but it should not—it says nothing about your qualifications.
Agreed, the better I get at software engineering (good top level design, keeping things simple, not over-engineering, not under-engineering, hopefully writing clean maintainable code), the less people seem interested in any of that. Just whether I have used hip new tech x.
Same here - I keep failing the "algorithm" phone screeners.
I've been in software dev for a decade but don't have a comp sci degree and it shows a bit. Every few years when looking for a new job I stress and try to re-learn these algorithms that I only ever need to know for these interviews.
I struggle with imagining the second act of my life. In my first act - my 20s - I got more exciting jobs than I could hope for, started two organizations I am proud of, made friends for life, was popular enough that people knew who I was before I knew who they were. For various reasons, I left this first act - both mentally and geographically.
Today I have a family, emotional and financial stability, and job prospects I didn't have before. Yet whenever I talk to people about what who I am and what I've done, I always refer to things from my first act, all 4+ years in the past. Nothing happening in my life professionally or creatively now betters what I've achieved already. Being still in my early 30s, this worries me.
While I was reading your comment I was reminded of a professor I had in law school (for some reason...), he was almost 70, but he still had a ridiculous amount of energy. He had grown a law firm that I believe he sold when he was in his 40s? And then he used some of the proceeds to buy some sort of mechanical equipment company which he grew and then sold like a decade later. He taught a bunch of different business law subjects and he got so excited about some of the driest technical stuff.
I really admired him but I couldn't figure out exactly why, other than that he was successful (but at a fairly highly ranked law school, you're completely surrounded by successful people all the time). One day, I realized that it was because he was, even at his age, still SUPER interested in his own life. That was what I was most impressed with. He had kids and whole bunch of grandkids that he obviously loved and he still had a few business concerns on the side in addition to teaching a handful of courses at the law school. A lot of people that age, even very successful ones, are just kind of running out the clock, for lack of a better phrase, just puttering around and playing golf and wishing they were still doing something worthwhile, watching the news obsessively. But this guy just did stuff he thought was interesting and he did it really well.
Anyway, I'm not sure it's as important to be constantly eclipsing your past achievements as it is to be really interested in what you're doing now. I'm sure when my professor plotted out his life, he wouldn't have imagined all the random stuff he'd do, but in retrospect it's a life filled with accomplishment and apparent purpose.
I hear you! I'm in my late 30s and, although I don't have a family, I'm in a similar sounding situation myself. My first act sounds pretty similar to your own and, for one reason or another, in the last few years I've undergone a similar sounding shift.
Although it's all for the good, I've found the shifting identity tough (I've always had a very clear self identity). When talking to others, any description of myself or something in my life that I've come out with has been accurate but several years out of date.
Very recently (last month or two) I've started to notice a little bit of change around this. I suppose enough things have happened to this version of myself that I'm starting to build some identity around that, as well as just being more comfortable with the new situation in general. I have also been reading and thinking about a lot of Buddhist philosophy, which I think has helped give me some perspective.
I hope you're able to find whatever viewpoint you need to move through this situation. I'm sure that you will - life has such a broad and deep variety of experiences and there are many different avenues for adventure and reward.
I'm in my mid 30's and if anything I'm in the opposite boat, most of my accomplishments are in the last 5 years, and the last year in particular.
My identity was very tenuous for most of my life, and has only come into focus quite recently. I spent most of my life trying not to be transgender, in particular, and transitioned over the last year. A lot of the things I do and am now would have been wild fantasy even a few years ago. It is going well, and it feels nearly complete.
I do worry what I will do with my life now. Transitioning has been an all consuming thing in all kinds of senses, but the end is in sight at this point. Being the correct gender frees up a tremendous amount of emotional and mental energy - but I don't know what to do with that energy. I've overcome something tremendous but it's left me about where most other people are.
I definitely want my life to be about more than gender. I could very easily stagnate where I am.
This strikes me as perfectly fitting the natural instincts.
Initially, you have to prove yourself. You then succeed enough to find a mate and start a family. This reduces your tolerance for risk, as it should: your kids need you.
Once you no longer have small children, you will likely hit a midlife crisis. At this point you may be tempted to have an affair or buy a Ferrari. This is an instinctive reaction to the lack of small children -- you aren't reproducing successfully with your current mate.
That's not bad! For most people (and especially for your kids), stability means happiness and success, as long as you can chill out and enjoy the moment.
Pivoting my career and figuring out how to enjoy life again. I’ve been working on Wall Street for the past 4-5 years in a front office role and am apparently good at what I do, though I don’t find the work fulfilling or interesting. I’m strongly considering going back to school to focus on more technical fields where I believe my passion lies, but it’s a daunting task when I also have career prospects with my current role that would likely pay more but at the cost of less time, happiness, and fulfillment.
Protip: Strongly consider moving to Venice Beach, CA or similar. If you're trying to escape the Manhattan grind (would strongly advise) and revamp your life to focus on happiness, there are few better places I can think of.
It's one-half of 'Silicon Beach'. Google LA and Snap HQ are here plus a ton of other tech companies. If you don't want to live in SF or NYC, then it's probably the next one down the list worth considering.
Would you mind giving some more context around your age or relative career maturity when you went back to school? I’m recently 27 and aiming for grad school next year, accelerating my plans after a really bad summer grind in my role.
I went back to school when I was 28 and graduated when I turned 30. The cost of school is insane now, but otherwise I have no regrets. I actually could have conversations with my professors based on my professional experience, so it felt a bit more engaging to me.
But I also always felt like I was behind, because it was kind of assumed that I still had knowledge from when I took classes years ago fresh in my head, and that was far from the case, so I generally felt like I was playing catch-up the whole time.
This was undergrad by the way. Due to not being willing to take student loans I dropped out of college after my first couple of years because I couldn't afford to keep going. If I knew now what I knew then, I would have just taken the loans. Tuition shot up like crazy after 8 years away.
Depression, particularly since my wife of 28 years divorced me. It has gotten a lot better in recent months, but it's almost two years since she asked for the divorce.
And as I have turned to spiritual and mental health work to alleviate my depression, staying interesting in tech stuff. Although Racket and Rust look kind of fun.
It's been less than a year for me and I struggle with it too. I suspect from talking to people who went through the same thing that it is totally normal. Honestly a lot of the recommendations of people were to do work on myself or activities that are easier to do when not depressed. I decided to indulge in massages, vacation, audio books while taking nice walks and watching movies of genres I could never watch next to my ex.
Just recently started using a website for learning languages called exercism [0] yesterday that has tons of programming language exercises (including Rust and Racket). You might try that, although it doesn't teach you the language (you have to search for language specifics yourself) it gives you mentors that can comment on your particular submissions to exercises. I'm learning bash right now and submitted an incomplete exercise last night with a question and literally just got my first message from a mentor telling me how to print unsigned ints using printf as that was the last thing I needed to solve my exercise. Of course chat channels are helpful for getting aid too.
28 years! It frightens me and boggles my mind how something like this can happen after being married for so long. Looking back do you have any idea why? I'm sorry for your loss and I hope it'll get better for you soon. As others have said it's perfectly normal to feel depressed at such a life altering event and it probably does take a year or two to recover.
Some chronic depression before, maybe. But mostly, she said she wanted to find herself, and she couldn't do that with others around -- too hard to "hear herself think".
Which is to say, I don't really know and never will.
I'm guessing because you're on this site, you might have a professional life and/or hobbies that skew towards the introverted and solitary, or at the very least are predominantly male-dominated. Ultimately you have to find activities that allow you to meet a more diverse group of people, and when doing so, project a general air of confidence and sociability. Keep doing it until it becomes natural, it may take years. Maybe you'll meet someone special romantically, maybe you'll just make friends. Either way you win.
If you're not working out, then start. It will help immensely. If you're not eating right, then start. These are the two most important things you can do, especially if you don't know where to start.
Leverage existing social networks - have friends who are couples? get to know them better, its possible they'll know someone they can set you up with.
Dating apps can work for some people but they can be an absolute grind and can leave you disillusioned and discouraged.
Don't resort to "tricks", don't "try" too hard, and don't think you have to become someone you're not comfortable with - just become the best version of yourself you can be, and just get yourself out there. Everything else will eventually fall into place.
Edit: someone mentioned improv - I would say this is 100% one of the best group activities you can do - they are inclusive, supportive, and have a diverse group of men and women. You will make friends, increase confidence, and be a part of a community.
Think of it like an investment. The more and longer you invest in your social life, the more rewards you will reap.
One interesting gotcha, which people frequently find baffling, is that it's possible to take up hobbies which involve a lot of interaction with members of the opposite sex, but don't lend themselves well to actually getting to know them. I mean this in the sense that if you already struggle with connecting with people, just being around a greater volume of people won't fix that problem.
I've been doing salsa somewhere between 2 and 5 nights a week more-or-less continuously for the last 6 years. By those who know me, i'm generally regarded as one of the best relative to my experience level (this is something I really struggle to accept, but I hear it enough to be willing to share it), and the vast majority of my friends are women. All of this has had zero impact on my confidence with women as far as dating or relationships are concerned, or even just casual purely platonic conversation with either women or men.
My takeaway from this is, that if you are going to invest in an activity for the purpose of meeting people and building confidence, you'll want to to choose an activity that actually throws you into the situations you struggle with. So now i'm looking for a parallel interest, improv is actually pretty appealing.
I strongly agree with all of this. About improv: you don't need to become a major improv hobbyist to benefit from it. One semester made me much more mindful of verbal and non verbal communication. Acting, even badly, improved my ability to listen and be myself around others.
I don't really love improv as a form of comedy but the practice is beneficial. I've even recommended it with success to direct reports of mine.
Dated heavily through HS and college, got married my last semester of university and am still happily married. I have a few friends who are still in the dating game, and some who have gotten married recently as adults, so I'll try to fuse what I can:
+ Unless your goal is to hookup or just have fun, avoid dating apps. Dating apps are basically meat markets with a layer of social skills. Instead focus on engaging in activities that you really enjoy and meeting people through them - hiking, classic cinema, etc. Instead of judging purely on looks you'll have a chance to interact with possible partners and start with strong common ground. You'll also gain meaningful friendships this way which is beneficial in a lot of other ways.
+ Do focus on self improvement. Do active things (that are also enjoyable and fun), have a robust career, and seriously spend time introspecting your own personality and mind. Learn the finer points of manners, make sure to have spotless hygiene, and clean up your style.
+ Important note here - charisma, like everything else, can be studied and learned. I had terrible charisma until I spent time learning it. Ask a socially skilled confidant to (gently) critique your charisma and give you feedback. Consider taking something like improv if you do better in a classroom setting.
+ 60/40. 60% of your attention should be focused on your partner and their needs. You don't want to hog all the attention, but you also don't want to dote on them like some kind of clingy rescue animal. Given that people tend to be a little bit self biased, 60/40 tends to be a good split to keep in mind. Small gestures (filling their glass before yours, pulling chairs out for them, etc) go a very very long way.
+ Treat other people well, and treat other people personably. That is to say, treat others (whether it's a romantic partner or a random waiter) as if they are a good friend, and that you will see them quite frequently.
1. Meet someone you're interested in via an online medium (tinder, bumble, POF, OKC, etc.) OR irl through social activities.
2. Go on a date. Follow KISS principle: evening time, grab a drink, socialize. Use FORD principle to create conversation. Test the waters with various topics of interests, talk about stuff that you find passionate (people usually gravitate to you if you speak passionately about something)
3. ??? Seriously, choose your own adventure.
4. You're dating. Second date, choose an activity or something else not drinking related (unless you bond over drinking... maybe that's your thing, no judgement).
This comment comes off as intensely smug, from someone who has little experience with difficulty in dating.
Things are not so simple. In fact, the very nature of social interaction is such that it cannot be preemptively, logically broken down and solved.
Many men have trouble getting past step 1 on the dating apps you list. The funnel of capture, so to speak, from message to response can be extremely wide, both on and offline.
Of course, I believe I am describing the perspective of a male.
The comment didn't come off as smug to me, but rather as so clearly true that it shouldn't need further explaining.
With a high risk of being labeled a weird PUA-- social interaction is easily able to be broken down logically. Humans are animals, and just like animals can be trained and managed, humans can be trained and managed. It can be analyzed with data if you're willing to whip up a spreadsheet. It can be treated using business principles if you're so inclined.
Also, don't call yourself a male, just like you wouldn't call a woman a "female" IRL. It is dehumanizing.
> Things are not so simple. In fact, the very nature of social interaction is such that it cannot be preemptively, logically broken down and solved.
No, they are simple. But at the same time, as you say, they cannot be logically solved. There is no logic, be yourself, talk about what you like, and you might find someone.
The hard truth is that this person might not be in the league you "targeted".
Sounds like you're projecting a lot of your own issues with that reply. Someone asked for instructions. Someone else gave a rough sketch. Stop reading more into it than there is.
Go forth into the world and find someone. Expect failure. She may find fault in you. You may find fault in her. Evaluate her as much as she evaluates you. Evaluate your approach, how you speak etc. You’ll need to improve and change.
Being afraid to approach means you equate failure with some kind of death. That by itself is a faulty belief you’ll need experience to get rid of.
If you want homework: approach 300 women and see how you go. Vary every approach, change the time, place, activity. Document each attempt: What worked, what didn’t.
Or just modify your goals and your definition of failure to reflect the fact that the other party is an actual human being, not some video game boss who you can keep trying different things with until something sticks.
Most of the people you're attracted to won't feel the same about you, or be in a position to act on it if they are. That's just how it is, and for the most part, there's nothing you can do about it. Sure, being friendly and personable won't hurt, but what they find attractive is one of their attributes, not yours. If you're going to base your definition of success or failure on how a stranger feels about you, you're going to find yourself very disappointed a lot of the time.
A conversation with another human being isn't a failure just because it didn't end with a sexual encounter or you getting their number. It's perfectly acceptable to just shoot the shit with a stranger for 5 minutes and both go on with your day without even exchanging names if that's how it feels like it's going. That's still a step up from spending that 5 minutes furtively glancing at them from across the room, and you've actually had some social interaction with another human being.
Also, can we just quit with this "friendzone" thing? It's not some heinous insult for a woman to consider you a friend. Great, you're attracted to her. I'm happy for you. But if she doesn't feel the same way, then you establish communication at the lowest common protocol. She's proposed friends. If you can communicate as friends, you have a new friend - is that really so bad? If you can't communicate as friends, you negotiate further down to the next available protocol, and now you're just an acquaintance who says hi when you happen to be in the same room.
We're talking about having a conversation with another human being. You don't need to interview them or manipulate them towards some goal - just have a conversation without an ulterior motive. You might be surprised at what you see when you stop looking so hard.
Most of the friendzone is people not making their intentions clear. I agree with the “just friends” thing however. Just be careful you aren’t wanting more and stay in orbit around her.
A lot of men do have the fear of approaching women so I’d suggest not downplaying its effects or reality. The 300 number is to put a higher limit before giving up. And people do actually give up far earlier than they should in many aspects of life, not just dating.
I didn't get married until I was in my late 20s. Before that I had never held hands, never kissed, was still a virgin, etc.
I always struggled with thinking my competition had a huge advantage by having experience in all those things. But now that I have significant experience myself (married + 2 kids), I realize that wasn't really the case. You can go from a level 0 kisser to a level 3 kisser in an evening or two (most people never make it past level 3). And plus, the people worth dating won't reject you on inexperience in those things alone.
If you're a regular looking guy and you don't completely go out of your comfort zone, then you could spend years without any dates; it's normal; it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you.
On one extreme, if you're good looking and rich, then maybe 99% of people you meet will like you. If you're plain looking and poor then maybe only 0.01% will like you so you just need to try MUCH harder.
Being average does make it easier to form genuine (healthy) relationships though so it's not all bad. You don't want to attract the wrong kind of attention.
Consider yourself lucky. Since you're on HN, I'm going to assume you've benefitted tremendously from the lack of unnecessary distractions and expenses in your life dating tends to include.
edit:
As far as actually dating goes... this can be made complicated and probably not best advised on HN. But the TL;DR:
1. Take care of yourself; being healthy, fit, and attractive makes this all a whole lot easier.
2. Make yourself available; put yourself out there, spend time in public spaces where people your age congregate and socialize. Cafes work well for this. Special interest groups like meetup or other sporting leagues also work. You can fallback on online dating services, but it's not ideal.
3. Pay attention to signals; women do all sorts of things to communicate interest. Adjusting their hair, clothes, overt and excessive stretching in your field of view, repeated smiling, eye-fucking, unnecessary physical contact. These are invitations, open a dialog if you're interested, say hi.
There's more that can be said, but I think that pretty much covers the fundamentals.
#1 is the most impactful in my experience. A sexy physique under well-fitting clothes goes such a long way, it can be quite annoying if you're not interested in the attention.
I didn't go on my first date until a month before my 30th birthday. Met my eventual wife on OKCupid 18 months later, married her 2 years after that, and now have a 7 month old, ~7 years after it all started.
I'll disagree with a lot of the advice given here. The pictures on online dating sites are what you make of them. I didn't even like my wife's pictures, I only messaged her because she was playing 4 truths and a lie on her profile and I wanted to call out the lie. I also read The Game and some PUA communities, but soured on them when a.) all my female friends told me "Dude, you're skeevy just for even mentioning them" and a married coworker was like "Well, it works on some girls - usually the type that's a total trainwreck in a relationship anyway."
Things that did work:
1. Send lots of messages, and go on lots of dates. I think I sent about 250 messages and went on 30+ first dates. Only 3 led to a second date, and the two that were not my wife were previous offline acquaintances that happened to pop up on my OKCupid matches. (I dated them for like 15 and 8 dates, respectively, before deciding that it wasn't really working.)
2. Dating is basically entirely emotional. Whatever rational thoughts you're having about it are probably useless, and probably counterproductive (other than avoiding obvious pitfalls like dating someone who's married, someone who's cheated on everyone they've always dated, someone who wants a totally different lifestyle from you, someone who wants kids when you don't, etc). Go with your gut on everything. Don't trust your gut? Work on that problem first before dating.
3. "Common wisdom" is more foolish than most people think. I had a couple coworkers take me out on a shopping makeover, where they helped me pick out some very stylish new clothes that got me complements from a bunch of my other friends. What was my eventual wife's reaction? "Well, he's cute, but I think he may be gay. Maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree here..." And then she called me SkinnyJeans to all her female friends for the next 2 months (this was 2012, it was the style then). She didn't (and doesn't) care about appearances; that was part of what makes us a good match.
4. Broaden your idea of what a good partner might look like. As a kid, I had an image of my eventual wife: thin, white, blonde, popular, gracious, and smart. My wife is the latter 3 of these, but she's a stocky Taiwanese-American. And similarly, I'm not a bald Mexican soccer player named Santiago. ;-) (Ironically, both of us previously dated people who pretty much entirely matched our checklist, and found we couldn't stand talking to them.)
5. Related to the last 2 points, you aren't looking for America's sweetheart, you're looking for your sweetheart. Our couple's counselor told us that one common failure mode for people who get married young is that they marry the image of what popular culture says they should want, which presents a lot of problems when they grow older and realize that they have preferences & values that are distinct from what the culture around them values.
6. When you meet the right person, you'll know. Well, sort of. I knew within 20 minutes of meeting my wife that she was a lot more fun and easier to talk to than any other first date I'd been on. I didn't know for sure that I wanted her to be my wife until about 6 months after we got married. Most of my objections in the intervening 3 years were fears masquerading as rational objections - "Am I really ready to settle down?", "But she's not who I thought I would marry", "It's weird having her family so close by when mine is all the way across the country", "What'll this mean for my startup dreams?".
7. Learn to recognize fear. If you want to be with someone even though you're afraid of it, you must really love them. Listen to that and not the fear. (Note that I said "it" instead of "them" - if you fear the person, that's a real problem you should listen to. Many people don't fear the person, they fear the relationship and what it means for their self-identity.)
8. Consider therapy. It's cliche, but you have to learn to love yourself before you can expect other people to love you. I was bullied pretty intensively in middle school, which included a lot of sexualized teasing of the form "I can't imagine nostrademons ever getting a girlfriend", even from my "friends". I internalized that over the next 18 years, such that even long after I'd left my home state and everyone I knew behind, I was still subconsciously living it. Once I became conscious of that thought-loop and dealt with it, it was only 3 weeks until I found my wife.
> I also read The Game and some PUA communities, but soured on them when a.) all my female friends told me "Dude, you're skeevy just for even mentioning them" and a married coworker was like "Well, it works on some girls - usually the type that's a total trainwreck in a relationship anyway."
I think the real value in that material is the disillusionment. If you approach it as less a collection of cheat codes or parlor tricks and more as an illustration of how what society has told you about attraction is completely, utterly, ridiculously wrong, then you'll get a lot more out of it. More modern approaches to "pick up" reflect this.
The PUA literature gets a bad rap as scummy but at its core it’s plain old skill development: study, practice, have a plan, execute, review, repeat. This isn’t a Disney movie where magic is required. Just hard work and dedicated study / practice time.
> a.) all my female friends told me "Dude, you're skeevy just for even mentioning them"
The whole point of Red Pill stuff is that there's a disconnect between what people want and what they say they want. Also I seriously doubt your female friends have ever actually read any of the material and only know what it is from second hand information. So really their opinion on it is worthless. Also first rule of fight club.
>and a married coworker was like "Well, it works on some girls - usually the type that's a total trainwreck in a relationship anyway."
First, he's married so he's not exactly PUA material. Second, it works on some people, and it just so happens that there's plenty of people out there who are trainwrecks in relationships. It's part of why they're single. It's selection bias. I don't think there's any real correlation.
Disclosure: I am not into Red Pill or PUA or The Game or whatever people call it. There is good information in there that is not obvious to some people who haven't dated much or spent time to really analyze human behavior. However there is also lots of sexism and women hating surrounding that information.
I worked at Google at the time, so I was already well acquainted with the idea that people want something other than what they say they want. Hell, my day job consisted of running experiments on billions of people and trying to manipulate the whole web ecosystem to give us data, so I had a pretty extensive applied-psychology background there.
I just felt that the specific strategies employed by most of the PUA community were a.) useless and b.) worse than useless for me. And I suspect it actually was because of selection bias: if you're out there picking up girls, it's because you are not in a steady, happy relationship. Anyone who is in a steady, happy relationship drops out of the dating pool entirely. I wanted a steady, happy relationship; ergo, folks who were out there sarging every night were not very good role models for me.
That's another lesson I took from professional life that carries over into your romantic life: know which game you want to be playing, and ignore advice from people who are playing a different game.
I've got my own model of human behavior and why people make the romantic choices they do. It works for me, and it might even seem vaguely familiar to trained psychologists, but it'd probably piss off a bunch of folks in this sub-thread. Like you said, first rule of fight club.
> know which game you want to be playing, and ignore advice from people who are playing a different game
I think ignore is too strong of a word. A lot of good ideas in the world came about from cross-pollination between two or more different domains or disciplines. Inspiration can come from anywhere, if you seek new information from all sorts of places and try plugging it into your own field of expertise.
I think that could apply here too. Even though they're playing a different game than you are, you might be able to find something useful in it that you can incorporate into your game. But you shouldn't copy+paste their advice into your game. Experiment with some of it, include bits of it that appeal to you, and leave out the rest.
Similar to #5, so many of my friends have ended what seemed like solid relationships because the other person wasn't close enough to some magical ideal they have in their head. Obviously I'm not the one in the relationship, but I also get the feeling that they think I'm incredibly lucky to have found my wife relatively young, and it doesn't occur to them how much both my wife and I have changed over the years we've been together in order to be better to and for each other. An apparent match made in heaven takes a lot more work than a lot of people think. I had a few serious relationships before I met my wife and in my experience it's about finding someone you mesh well with and then deciding that you want to be with that person in a way that you're not constantly going to be comparing them to some mythical relationship that could have been.
Thanks for your experience...the "sexualized teasing" thing is pretty well embedded in my psyche too. Makes you feel like less of a person and more of just some creature not deserving of basic respect/dignity.
I think the biggest help is living in an area that has a lot of the group you're interested in dating (whether that's men or women).
If you're a single man in the bay area interested in women it's a lot harder than being in NYC or DC (not impossible, but everything is harder). If you're in an area that has a lot of people you get more social skills practice and it's easier to meet people via apps and just regular life.
The other stuff is just social skills practice, wearing nicer clothes, being in better shape etc. All those can be worked on separately, but all of that is given a difficulty modifier based on how competitive your area is.
As someone who's spent years in the bay area as a single man (some dates, one relationship) and then some time in DC the difference in difficulty is comically obvious.
+1 to at least familiarizing yourself with PUA culture and literature. Ignore the people who say it’s shady. Ignore the bad advice to “just be yourself and one day magic will happen.” If you want to learn a skill (meeting women) where you have no inherent talent, then you have to study and practice. It’s like any sport. Some people have natural talent but most people are no good. The more you practice and learn, the better you will get.
There’s some bad stuff in PUA and some reasonable things.
Some genuinely helpful things I found.
1) Try making small talk conversations to every day strangers. It removes approach anxiety. Talk about the weather, the city, politics, anything. Being able to hold a stream of connected topics in a conversation is sort of a skill. Also kinda helps understand what’s creepy and what’s not. Good conversations skills are a great life skill.
2) Eye contact, volume and posture. Look into the other persons eye when talking to them. Don’t be too soft, but also not too loud. Don’t speak too fast too. When people don’t struggle to understand you, you project confidence. Dress with fitting clothes, be well trimmed and walk with a good posture.
3) have your own things, find your own happiness. Whether it’s work, hobbies, hikes, whatever. Something that you’re enjoy and you’re decently good at. Great if you have a group of friends that you regular do things with. Be happy and contempt.
4) Life is not a race. You don’t need to try too hard. Good things will eventually happen if you’re meeting women your age and having decent conversations.
Negging as it's done in the PUA community is bad, sure. But the milder form of it, teasing, as long as it's mutual, I think can be a good thing in relationships. Sometimes what you say to each other sounds very similar, but the intent of negging is more malevolent.
All my relationships came out of meeting with friends/a group of people and having a girl at roughly the same point in life be in the same group.
You interact without any obligations at first, and at some point it becomes clear that even though you didn’t explicitly say so, you are interested in the other.
I’m not quite sure how it proceeds from there to doing ‘something’ exclusively together, but I assume this is generally the point where asking the other out to the movies happens.
To be honest, if that’s accepted after all this, it’s never been a bad relationship for me yet (even though some ended, happily married now).
I'm in my late 30s, and getting married sometime next year. I didn't really start dating anyone until my mid twenties, and didn't really start getting the hang of how to act around women until my early 30s, and I attribute most of that to going to a variety of meetups with different meetup groups on Meetup.com and just trying to talk to people a little at a time and showing up to enough things that eventually we knew each other well enough that I started getting invited to things outside of the meetup groups.
I mainly went to board/video game nights, on hikes, movie nights, group dinners, museums, beach outings, and various one-off activities like scavenger hunts and mini-golf.
Eventually I became more comfortable being around women and stopped being quite so awkward around them. I got a few dates through meetup, but ultimately I met my fiancee through OKCupid. However, I don't think I would have been comfortable around her without the two years of going to as many social events that I could handle in anything that looked remotely interesting to me.
One thing I had to get over, also, is there are a lot of women in their twenties that aren't really emotionally available, for various reasons. Focused on their career, trying to figure out who they are and what they want in life, have their own struggles they're dealing with, etc. I would spend a ton of time and energy on certain women that I really fancied but they weren't really in the dating pool, even if they said they were. More like they were looking at it, and toying with the idea, but weren't serious about it.
When I did date people like this, it always felt like a struggle to keep things going, like they weren't trying very hard to keep in touch or communicate their needs or I had to keep making larger and larger gestures just to watch things fall through my fingers. It wasn't until I happened upon some relationships that were actually pretty easy to keep going and the other person made a real effort that I realized that the former was actually not the norm, and not the best I could hope for.
So I would recommend not putting too much energy into people that don't make an effort back. Just because they agree to dates doesn't mean that they're going to reciprocate your efforts. If you don't see them try to meet you at least 40% of the way (i.e. don't ever offer to pay for anything, don't come up with date ideas, don't initiate conversations, etc) after a month or two, it's probably not worth pursuing further, at least in my opinion.
I don't know man. When I was going through a part of my life where I cared enough to try it, I found dating to be absolutely tedious. Some people must just find that sort of thing more interesting or fun, or have goals or social pressures that require it.
Don't use apps for dating unless you want to compete on appearance and you want some good looking but boring, superficial and uninteresting tinder person.
The only way to actually like someone, not just push a button that says like, is to spend time with them in real life.
I totally concur. If the steps proposed looks too hard, start by making friends. These friends will make you meet other friends. Sharing a common interest is a good way to make things go a little further.
I was a "late bloomer" when it came to dating and didn't really start dating at all until I moved to NYC in 2007 (age 26).
Here is what happened for me:
- Used Match then POF then OKC
- Probably went on about 150 dates over the course of about 4-5 years. Sounds like a lot but averages out to 1 every 2 weeks. In reality it was probably 4 to 5 over a two week span every couple of months. Most of the time was just sending LOTS of "requests" out and playing the law of large numbers. I liked OKC too b/c they had some gamification circa early 2010s that helped you find people who were attracted to you.
- Most of the dates did not translate into 2nd dates for a long time. I attribute this to not being good at "dating" in general, flirting in particular and the low switching costs of dating in NYC for the other side e.g. if you are a pretty girl in your 20's in NYC there will "be another one soon"
-Read "The Game" by Neil Strauss. Changed my life. Primarily, I realized my model for interacting with women was based on familial roles e.g. empathy, sharing emotions etc. I realized that is great for family or long term relationships but not for first dating and the first three months.
The book taught me that being "playful" and "good natured teasing" were the most important parts initially. I realized I already had those parts of my personality but I wasn't exposing them because I thought that wasn't how dating "worked".
A lot of the stories in the book are not practical for finding quality long term relationships but a couple of points stuck out to me:
- One a lot of what you think think are limits in social interaction are in your head and therefore can be ignored
- He has a quote in the book where he says "My friends and my family failed me because they love me for who I was and not for who I could become"
- Human interaction (be it with men or women) is a lot more "programmatic" than you think it is. e.g. Saying phrase1, phrase2, phrase3 can be very different than saying phr3, phr1, phr2. How you say something can have way more impact than what you say.
- Like with persuasion in general, it can sometimes border on manipulation so it's important to have your own "line" to cross. That being said, it's a lot like working out physically: you can get bigger muscles but you can't get taller. In personality terms: you can learn funny stories to help you make friends but that won't make you a comedian. In other words, there is always a way to improve but don't fight too hard to change things you can't and don't be someone you're not.
They definitely offer the best combination of practical advice while also being respectful to women and offering lots of great non-dating advice.
This was a very frustrating process for me and if people are interested in the above I am happy to add more color/suggestions if it saves others the time and frustration I went through.
in my single, more Lothario-oriented days, I've set up online dating profiles as women in my area with my ideal qualities to see what my competition sends out. It's a most eye-opening experience, that's for sure.
I've started countless projects all with a wave of optimism on how its going to be different this time, how this will be the side project that earns me enough recurring revenue to leave my job and start making things I want to build full time, but I never can finish them.
I am in awe at people who can work on things for 4+ years without getting large scale feedback or revenue from them. My attention span for a side project lasts a month at most.
I suffer very much from the same issue, although I'm not motivated by recurring revenue. I also figured out that I'm only motivated on a couple of evenings a month to really contribute to side projects.
What helped me in the past was to write down a single thing that I want to add the next time I feel motivated again and then spend the whole evening focussed on shipping that particular thing.
Because I always feel motivated and focussed I can keep my attention span up for several months, previously I would totally get bored after a couple of days.
This worked for me too, but only for a while. Now I can't find motivation to even open the projects or start something new. I have way too many responsibilities in my life.
I think I gave up on my hopes on building my own business alone. I'm thinking of hiring other people to do my side projects.
Heh, I've been thinking of the hiring thing myself too, although more as a moonshot idea since I certainly don't have the resources to actually hire anybody at this point.
But reading your comment got me thinking... what about, hiring someone to work on your idea, and then pair-programming with that person?
The (perhaps implicit) idea would be that the person/team would be leading, and you'd be given a clear path to focus on the bits you wanted to and/or had time+energy for.
Squinting at this from the right angles, you could interpret such an idea as a race-to-the-bottom toward project management. But... perhaps that's a direction you could go in?
I feel that I live in a lie: the lie that we can keep on living with such high standarts without destroying our planet (our more exaclty, our future selves).
I feel like we have to change radically the way we live to fight climate change and all coming ecological disasters... Yet I don't do anything, because it is to hard to give up all the comfort modern life can buy... But I know it will have to end one day...
You can do something, with ideas like starting locally, experimenting with your habits, setting a good example. Do you have time to practice cooking? Try out some meatless/meat-substituting recipes. You don't have to give up meat, it's not a black or white deal but can be any way works for you, with exceptions or specific days. Do you feel you have persuasive writing skills? You could write to local and state stakeholders about environmental sub-issues you feel confident about. There's always a little to do.
Did you know the last U.S. marital rape exemptions were withdrawn in 1993? The world rarely changes radically.
I struggle with feeling like I never know enough. The more I learn the more it feels there is to know. As a result even as I learn more and more, I feel dumber and dumber :D
Dunning-Kruger also has a flip side where the people who are most capable consider themselves far less capable than they are (possibly because of this very effect where the more you know, the more aware you are of the things you don't know).
1. Finding things that drive and recharge me. I feel like I tend to mindlessly go through motions but I am not getting much value out of my day-to-day and find after a while I am worn out and tend to blow up at some part of my life.
2. Ensuring I build time for myself and not lose my personal identity while being in a relationship. I tend to put my personal needs on the back burner and go out of my way to please my partner, which leads to resentment.
The two feed in to each other.. I only seem to gain value from 2, which leads to problems, and when I have time to myself I have no idea what to do with my time to make me feel like I am enjoying myself so I choose to have less time for myself.
I struggle with scaling up my business. I have been working from home for the past 10 years and I have websites that generate ok money ($100K/y). My struggle is I just can't get myself to hire my first full time employee. I tried it many years ago but after facing the headache of hiring, dealing with attrition, training, etc, it took away all my focus from work.
I feel management is a skill I just don't have. Also working from home, staying with my family i now lack the motivation to get up on time and commute, go to an office, etc.
Yet my business is as is for the last many years. I've tried hiring freelancers and VAs but that too never lasts for more that 2 months. Hiring freelance programmers has also never worked for me and in the end I always think it would have been easier if I had done it in the first place.
So that is my biggest struggle for many years now :(
I can relate to this. Try to find someone part time who you can trust and will stick around for awhile. Look outside your bubble of hackernews etc, might be a mom or a retired guy, whatever. Baby steps.
This, the people you think wouldn't have the relevant skills can surprise you! My wife went through a couple professional VAs who were... set in their ways and expensive for what they were delivering and then hired a recent college grad with absolutely no experience and she's been a total lifesaver.
Get a partner who is just as invested as you (deferred equity over a number of years works well) and lean on them for some of the management functions.
A vicious cycle of procrastination and being easily distracted. When I finally sit down to do something I am unable to complete meaningful progress (meaningful to me). I have a laundry list of things I wanted to accomplish by now, and haven't, and it's a growing weight on me.
Have you considered that maybe you simply aren't as interested in the things you want to accomplish as you think you are? I ask because I struggle with the same thing and that question is really what I'm asking myself now too. I'm a mechanical engineer and I generally like building and designing things...to a point. I enjoy it at work but by the end of the day, I just don't have the motivation to keep trying to build things even if I'm superficially interested in it at a high level. I'm probably just not as into as I thought I was. At least not enough to do it at work and then at home.
I thought that, but those thoughts are invalidated by the few memories I do have of being extremely productive, completing that project or task and feeling wonderful as a result.
No, for me, I spent about a year reading books about adult ADHD. After getting a couple of opinions, it appears that I am. However, I didn't fully believe it until I got to talking to other ADHD adults, and I recognized some of the quirky, fidgety, talking over others things that I always tend to do and I was like "yup."
However I don't like how the stimulants make me feel and I already am a heavy coffee drinker, so I am experimenting other ways I can cope: earplugs and headphones with white noise, blocking visual distractions, letting my manager know of my condition (big positive, at least for me), and I am now experimenting cutting sugar completely out of my diet.
Have the same problem and basically have my whole life. When I do finally get in the zone I get a lot done but getting there is nearly impossible. I've thought of trying some nootropics to help because its probably my biggest issue and I've tried most other things, and drugs sound easier if they work.
Overambitiousness. Or more precisely, actually getting stuff finished because of overambitiousness.
I really need to remember the idea of a minimum viable product and not get sidetracked with 'wouldn't it be cool if' type features that slow everything down.
I have struggled with this ss long as I can remember (programming since 8, I am in my 40s now). The way I combat it is by setting another ambitious goal at the start of a new project; to make at least some money with it as early as possible. That fights with new features; you actually just want to sell instead of adding new features. Now for hobby things that do not make money, I still am overambitious, I guess that is just something I will not get over as I have nothing really to combat it. Even setting goals to really finish something do not matter; my finished product looks like the Taj Mahal in my mind while I am building the garden shed. I have not found the ‘make money’ that applies to hobbies.
Even with physical things; when I go hiking, I always go way too far and end up getting ‘lost’ (never lost, I have google maps, but always thinking; I can go just this path as it takes me deeper!) for a day on a mountain coming out completely physically broken. Luckily I usually have my voice of reason in this case; my wife, who says she is turning back after an hour.
It's okay if they don't all get made. Just try to learn something from the experience, whether that be new technical skills, best practices, how to identify problems you ran into beforehand, etc.
I've worked in various technical roles at startups, huge public companies, and have received offers from FAANG companies. I still sometimes feel like a complete fraud, like I don't deserve to be in the position I am in. It really bothers me.
Maybe its related to the incredibly smart people I work around. Maybe its because I am self taught, so didn't have a "formal" education in CS or Statistics. Maybe its the destructive tendency to compare what I've built or accomplished to others around me or those I read about.
I've heard that this is somewhat common in our industry. So it helps to look back on where I was 5-10 years ago, and think about what I've done since and how far along I've come. If anyone out there has had similar feelings or experiences, focus more on what you have done as opposed to what you have not (yet) done. It's too easy to sell yourself short. You belong.
I spent a bunch of my childhood in borderline abusive situations being told I was useless or stupid. I also spent much of my childhood on the outside looking in, as the fat weird kid. Like you, further complimenting this is being completely self taught, so I'm certain that I'm less valued than peers with a formal degree, and on some level I feel looked down upon by those with a degree.
The more accolades I get, the more certain that its all gonna disappear one day, and I'm going to wake up poor again working a dead end job, like I was at 18.
I struggle with cronic injuries. Over the years I've accumulated a few different injuries to my shoulder, back and knee which put me in a constant state of pain. It's not debilitating but it is relentless. I'm always around a 3/10 on my pain scale, which just means I'm always uncomfortable. I can manage with stretching and some targeted exercises, but generally my injuries do not subside.
Having enough time to do things. After you have a kid, you can only have one hobby. After you have two kids, it seems you can only have one hobby once in a blue moon.
I sleep five hours a night and get up at 4 to start work so that i can spend the day with my family and not feel guilty about spending a measly one hour hobby coding or writing (and it kills me to choose)
For the record, love my kids, wouldn't change a thing. I just wish I didn't need those five hours sleep
I want to leave my country for work/ study reasons, but I don't know how to start or where to look. I'm a EE graduated from a university here in South America (Chile) and currently working as a SW lead in IoT / fullstack projects.
Every time I look outside (linkedin, /cscareerquestions, HN), there are people with far more experience or qualifications. It makes me feel my ideas are all wishful thinking. That the success that I have attained here is just because "it's a shallow pond" and nothing else.
And when I look at grad programs (master); they require far more money that I have with me right now. I would love to get a master in SWE (part of the reason for going abroad), but I don't feel good enough for a scholarship/financial aid.
Dont short sell Chile/South America/ Yourself. I understand you are free to look for options and I think it can be a great experience personally , career-wise and financially , but dont get frustrated if it does not happen overnight. Your brain power, imagination, work-ethic , ambitions will be the same in Oakland than in Penalolen (Ceteris Paribus).
Creo que lo que te quiero decir es que estando en Chile tambien puedes hacer muchas cosas interesantes, incluso tan buenas que no necesites emigrar. Estamos en un mundo globalizado. Mucha suerte.
PS. This is for jobs, if you want to study by all means prepare yourself, apply to top schools and hit it out of the park.
Intenta conseguir trabajo en Estados Unidos. Para los chilenos es mas facil que incluso un Europeo conseguir trabajo en Estados Unidos por la visa H1B1. Pero ojo que solo las empresas grandes estan dispuestas a hacer la pega que implica (Abogados y esas cosas). Ademas a los SW les pagan mucho mejor aqui que en cualquier parte del mundo.
Source: Chileno en USA
translation
Try to get a job in the United States. It is easier for Chileans than even a European to get work in the United States for the H1B1 visa. But beware that only large companies are willing to make the implication (Lawyers and those things). In addition to the SW they pay much better here than anywhere in the world. Source: Chilean in the USA
If you'd like to move, my company is always hiring every kind of developer. Most roles are in the US, but there are others elsewhere. We also sponsor visas.
I'm incredibly absent minded. I constantly keep forgetting/losing my cards, my wallet, my phone, bags, random stuff; somehow I break things in ways I don't understand... I just graduated from college, my life was fine so far, but I'm currently getting kicked out by my landlord because he was sick of me making trivial, small mistakes 10000 times a day. They're things like forgetting a plate on the table, forgetting toothbrush in the sink, a towel on the dust cabinet, a shirt on the couch, my laptop on a desk etc... In fact, it's getting so bad if this persists a few more months I'll get an MRI because for all I know this might be a brain tumor. What's worse is I have absolutely no idea how to improve this since most of the time I can't remember the moment of incidence.
Today I realized I lost my debit card. I went to my bank account and it seems like I used it last 2 days ago, but it's not in my wallet now... I have absolutely no idea where it is. This is the 3rd time this is happening this year...
This is affecting my work too, but not significantly. Sometimes I push print statements with my code, can't even see them until people point them out (I do review my code before committing, `git diff`). One time I merged two branches that should never ever ever be merged and spent half a day trying to fix git. These are mostly minor things and afaik my manager is happy with my performance and I consider myself an ok software engineer. But still all these small mistakes are driving me crazy! I also worry it'll affect my career as an engineer.
I deal with this too. An example I'll never forget: leaving my sweater at a friend's house, realizing half way home (on a bike, freezing), biking all the way back to pick it up, then riding all the way home without my backpack (I took it off to put the sweater on). I miss train stops, forget important grocery items, leave my car at the carpool and think it's been stolen, etc.
I notice drinking makes it worse. So does cannabis. I have good months and bad months. It makes me feel like I'll never be worthy of a leadership role or any respectable level of responsibility. Major impostor syndrome when I'm working with people. Gives me anxiety when I give talks because I am afraid I am forgetting something and will act my usual foolish self in front of everyone.
I had an MRI for an unrelated issue and it came back normal. That helped a ton! Hypochondria and being hyper self-conscious is certainly a part of it. Last month I presented a concept for a webapp and a research project I did and won a small internal pitching contest. That helped a ton-- when I feel like I'm killing it and making strides, I don't feel like such an idiot, and stop noticing all the little mistakes I make.
> leaving my sweater at a friend's house, realizing half way home (on a bike, freezing), biking all the way back to pick it up, then riding all the way home without my backpack (I took it off to put the sweater on).
This hits so close to home... In my experience things like this were just "cute" little memories in high school and college so I never thought of it. I graduated this May and last 3 months I've seen that things like this ACTUALLY affect my life very badly. So I'm trying to improve this, and this thread has been very helpful and encouraged me to see a doctor.
See, yes my friends told me I might have ADHD. But I was extremely good at school (I graduated from UC Berkeley with near 4.0) and never had a problem focusing at work/school. If I sit to study, I can do so pretty efficiently. I can also do work without much trouble. Also, I tried Adderall a couple times when I was a freshman, and its effects were almost unnoticeable to me since I usually don't have hard time focusing anyway.
I might have ADHD, but it just doesn't make any sense to me...
ADHD is largely misunderstood, and what you're describing could definitely be a symptom. I've struggled with 'out of sight out of mind' my entire life, so your post hit close to home. For me, a post by Mark Suster[1] resonated so deeply that I finally saw a professional, and I was diagnosed with ADHD at 29.
Since then, I've learned a ton about how my brain's executive function works and have developed many strategies to overcome my own challenges. It'll be a work in progress for the rest of my life, but knowing what it is I'm working on as made a huge difference.
As far as medication: it's completely personal (dosage isn't even tied to weight), so try to set aside any prior experiences you've had outside of working with a medical doctor. Academic and professional performance also aren't part of the diagnostic criteria (I graduated near 4.0, too).
Even if you don't have ADHD, meeting with a doctor will help you rule it out. My $.02, hope this helps.
ADHD doesn't always (or even often) manifest as inability to focus; that's a misconception. As well, ADHD can have little-to-no impact on your grades in school, if you happen to "have a mind for" the particular things you're studying. It's when you don't that it can be a problem.
Also:
> its effects were almost unnoticeable to me
Neurotypical people don't tend to experience Adderall as "unnoticeable." If your brain chemistry starts off in the reference range (for neurostriatal dopamine reuptake latency period), a dose of Adderall would take you out of the reference range, such that you start exhibiting signs and symptoms of mania, experiencing things such as an elevated heart rate and increased sweating. If a dose of Adderall puts you into the reference range, then you were likely outside of the range to begin with. (Note: if you consume a lot of caffeine, your baseline state would be "you having not had caffeine for a week." If you don't even remember what that's like... well, that's diagnostic for ADHD, too.)
1. Despite being considered a different disease, narcolepsy is effectively treated by the same drugs that treat ADHD. Narcolepsy can cause the same symptoms you're talking about (which, again, if you think narcolepsy involves fully falling asleep, that's a misconception.)
2. Alternatively, you might have any of a number of conditions that affect sleep quality, such as obstructive sleep apnea, chronic fatigue syndrome, or even a simple nutrient deficiency. A regular doctor (who would in turn likely refer you to a sleep clinic) could help to figure this out.
3. Of course, it might be early-onset Alzheimer's... but that's actually much less likely than one of the above options.
Huh, that's very interesting, all those things in Part A happen to me often (pretty much every day!) except being overly active (I'm very silent and calm). I guess I had misconceptions about what ADHD even is... I should see a doctor soon it seems like. Thank you very much!
Making big life changes. I just don't know where to start, and even after breaking them down into tiny tasks, I procrastinate on them... probably because I'm a little bit scared. Or a lot scared.
The current project is moving overseas. The next step is to find a recruiter in the country I'm looking to move to, since I'll need a job offer and visa sponsorship, and it's really difficult to job search internationally. But it's so difficult even to identify reputable recruiters locally, where you have a network and can ask for recommendations from people you know. How do you find someone to trust in a totally new location?
So I've been putting that off for (checks calendar) 6 months now.
I have done this. The simple answer is just look up some recruiters on LinkedIn and fire some emails to them with a brief summary of what you're looking for and your CV.
Then, view the rest as an interview process for the right recruiter. Lots just won't reply. For those that do, set a high bar for filtering the initial replies, then from that filtered group set up some calls. In the call, really take the time to get to know them a bit. Ensure they know what they are doing. Ask probing questions. Interview them! Once you've done the first call, you're in a pretty good position to judge who you'll be happy working with.
It's really that simple, not exactly fun but not exactly that painful either, and it all starts by sending some emails. Do it now :-)
On a side note, despite all the bad stuff (taking a slice of your salary, not always offering the most relevant jobs, etc) recruiters really do work very well when you are first looking in a completely new place. It's not the only way, but I would recommend it.
On a further side note, it is completely normal to be scared by something as massive as moving to a new country. You will be changing your life in a big way! So don't do yourself down over that. At the same time, just get the ball rolling, push through it and get it done. There are quite a few things to do, some hard, some annoying, some boring, some fun, but all individually small and achieveable. At the end you'll look back and think, yeah, that wasn't all that bad!
It might help you to know that you're in good company. For many people, the natural circadian rhythm is slightly longer than the standard 24 hours, so without conscious effort the daily cycle actually would shift back by 10-30 minutes vs clock time, e.g. https://www.howsleepworks.com/how_circadian.html
I was like that in my twenties in well, now it's no longer an issue. I dunno if it's because I got my life in order (much more excercise now) or if it has just changed with age.
Machine learning. It seems like an extremely important skillet to remain relevant in my career, but I'm not willing to become qualified to do fundamental research (that is, I don't want to commit the time and effort for a phd), and the higher level sk-learn / tensorflow type work seems like it's largely a bunch of data cleaning plus guesswork finding good models and hyperparameters, which I don't find very satisfying. My current thought is that I'll need to be more excited about the application I'm using it for in order to enjoy it, whereas I've always enjoyed "normal" programming just for its own sake.
Thanks for asking this question. I was reflecting on this lately:
I specifically struggle with 2 things:
-- With adulthood and family. I'm not really sure how my parents did it, I feel I'm still not an adult ( married 2 years ago).
-- I did my undergrad in CS, got hired into an IT consultant company, and started working as a developer implementing tool platforms. ( imagine SalesForce, AWS etc., ) for customers. Now I'm working doing the same thing in one of the top 5 companies in the world. I don't like this anymore. I want to branch out and do full stack development, ML, AI OR ANYTHING ELSE EXCEPT THIS. As I mentioned it's becoming impossible to change my career because 1/ I'm on a visa 2/ I'm married and my wife's doing her graduate courses in the location I live in.
I'm doing my masters on the side, but really at the end of the day I don' have enough patience / will power to do anything else apart from my current work and that's killing me everyday.
Yes, I know. I'm in my last years of my H1B, meaning my GC application is underway, and I'm ....But more than that, it's the very thing that I'm unable to spend time on items that I love to work with, and even if I did there are >10,000s of folks with the exact same experience, so I'm not sure how I'd land a job in those areas. . .
Not applying is the surest way not to get the ml job. Or try switching roles within the same company?
If you find the time you can do an online masters in Machine Learning from Georgia Tech for around $7k. You can hack on your own projects and build credentials.
Some companies might be willing to sponsor the OCMS course.
I struggle to code in a timely manner, and I'm often wondering whether I'm too slow or the world is too fast. I don't think I'm an incompetent coder, and I don't believe I'm stupid, but I'm convinced that it takes me a lot longer to build something than other people I know. It's not that I'm not trying, but I'd rather not rush into problems. It's unclear whether this makes me a bad software engineer since I've been both rewarded and punished for this trait.
It sounds like a lack of years of experience in a given specialization. When I graduated university and finished internships, I was fast at coding OOP enterprise-type applications and systems-level C programs.
Now that I've spent so much of my career doing other things, e.g. reverse engineering and infra work, my coding is less than a quarter as fast.
There are also considerations as to how productive you are at working for hours straight, and also whether the "fast" people are creating durable architecture.
I'm about to turn 30. I spend my 20's in college for a CS degree and developing my career after that. It went GREAT and my life is pretty fantastic. I've made really excellent decisions consistently.
But, the work is never over. Currently I'm struggling with:
- Getting healthy. I'm not obese but I'm not fit and if I don't have a habit of regular exercise now it's going to just get harder in the future.
- Working towards what I really want to do: game development. I paid off my student loans by hustling and being an office drone. Now I want to get back to what I got into programming for and get out of web development.
- Become a more well-rounded person in general. I don't want to be a TV / youtube / social media slave. I want to make art and explore and have a good life.
So I guess overall I do an excellent job with the day-to-day job grind, but I struggle to set goals for myself and follow through with those goals.
I just got diagnosed with ADHD combined type. Looking back, my entire life was a total mess before starting treatment. Little to no concentration abilities make you lose focus on your surroundings so much that it can affect your ability to eat and sleep on a consistent basis (not to mention employability). You sort of just sit there mentally screaming at your body to get up and move. Or you mentally scream at your body to stop moving and sit down. Bottom line is that you have almost no control over your attention in every way. Your head is also in a constant fog because you aren't able to maintain focus on what's going on in front of you.
If you see yourself with constant attention issues even in an optimal environment, please see a doctor. ADHD and other associated conditions can ruin your life if left untreated.
I was diagnosed with that when I was younger. I am 31 and still find myself suffering from it. One has to eventually discipline their daily habbits to overcome it and that takes time, patience and effort.
figuring out how to be a good partner to my boyfriend who just admitted he was molested as a child. he says he doesn't want to talk about it but he's also the one who's brought it up on multiple occasions. we both have very bad past experiences with counseling and medication, so it is unlikely he'd be very receptive to going down that road again. he's the most loving and beautiful person i've ever known & i want nothing more than to show him that he can still be loved by not treating him any differently than i would otherwise but is that really and different from repression? there's also the fear that he's becoming very dependent upon me while my own mental illness is still very much unresolved. he still lives with his abuser and i really want to get him out of that situation but if i take him in, it'll create a situation where he is both emotionally and financially reliant.
any advice would be deeply appreciated
People grow, and you can encourage/assist, but each person ultimately has to choose for themself. If he needed to get out from his abuser he could presumably do it on his own, with varying levels of difficulty / pain. The fact that he hasn't done so means you would be "saving" him, a terrible choice. Unless he takes the step himself to become a fully self-reliant adult he is very unlikely to become that person under your protection.
Alternatively you could help him escape and provide a safe place for him to grow, while realizing that your relationship will probably be doomed in the process. I don't recommend this path.
There's a lot of ways to help besides getting someone set up with medication or a therapist. One thing I can advise is that it's important to (continue to) have patience. Patience is a really powerful thing.
I know this suggestion sounds hilarious but look into the book Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook for Dummies. I've seen it recommended on mental health forums, for anyone, including with no clinical diagnoses. From what I understand, CBT is not a process that is just for people with a specific set of disorders, but for everyone, and the usual setting of the therapist's office isn't the sole way to go about exploring it.
I don't have many more specific actionable ideas but I would look at forums (Reddit or maybe somewhere else) for people with similar positions who have been given advice. Just know that if you and him can't do one-on-one therapist visits or medication there is not nothing you can do. Being there to listen to him and communicating with him every day is better infinitely better than nothing.
I struggle with the question whether to have children or not. I'm surrounded by new fathers who struggle with their children, whose wives have turned from attractive women into unattractive moms. I read witty comments all the time suggesting how much of a burden kids are.
As another viewpoint from the other responders here; we decided not to have kids and no regrets 20 years in, quite the opposite. Luckily where we are from it does not have as much stigma as in other places as most our friends do not have kids.
I think it is important to make up your mind (with your current significant other; another relation might swing your opinion, it happens a lot); I know many people where one of the two wanted kids (usually the woman but in some cases the man) and that ended up badly after getting kids; sometimes a long time after, but when you get older you notice this 1/3rd divorce thing is real and with those couples the fights (I sat on the embarrassing end of dinners at friends...) ends with something like ‘but you took away my youth’.
Too many people still have a baby to save the relationship; maybe it works for some, but it didn’t for the people I know anyway.
As for a burden; I know people get a lot of satisfaction from kids. If I had them I would be full in as I do with everything. Probably so would you. It is more important to think of your future plans and ambitions maybe; my wife and myself are people with a lot of plans, always had those and we wanted to execute them. I do not believe in having kids and then having them raised by the nanny and boarding school. Children simply did not fit; if we would have had ‘an accident’, we always said we would have kept her/him and would’ve had a second one and change our planning to ‘settle down’. Accidents did not happen and we were free to follow our planning and not ‘settle down’.
I have 8 year old triplets. It's tough work, but very rewarding.
On the attractiveness front, I have a still very attractive wife that takes care of herself. I think a lot of your worries are in the selection of a partner. And of course, you must keep up your end of the bargain, so lead by example, stay fit. It's a partnership, after all.
At the time I met my wife, I was dating quite a bit and had many options, but she just clicked with me immediately. She was gorgeous, and a genuinely-compassionate person. We don't post lovey #YOLO posts to each other on Instagram. We argue a lot, that's fine, we work through it. We stay committed.
I guess my point here is that nothing comes easy. It takes nurturing and humility.
Sometimes, when I'm alone and introspecting and my thoughts venture a little dark, I ask myself if I could turn back time would I do it again, or would I stay a swinging bachelor? And so far, my answer has always been "Hell yes, I would do it again".
Thank you for your reply. If I may ask, did your wife change mentally after having kids? I know several men whose wifes have been outgoing and universally interested, while after having kids, they are only interested in their kids, much less anything else.
She did change. She's a bit more moody and stressed now. She is a stay-at-home mom, so that is most of her life, but I encourage her to grow and do others things, be it go into town, do volunteer work, or take some classes. Whatever.
I want her to be the best person she can be, and that will involve more compromise on my part: hosting a single dad's night with the kids, entertaining the kids more, cooking dinner, washing the dishes. Had a long day at work and the dishes need to be done? Beat her to it and do them. It'll pay dividends.
You are/will be with a human being with flaws and complex emotions. Try to be patient, vulnerable, and understanding. And DEAR GOD ALMIGHTY, stay faithful.
That said, I'm a crappy husband. I'm often moody myself, stressed, a bit of a dick. I try not to beat myself up too bad anymore. I treat everyday like that Groundhog's Day movie. I just try to be better the next day and make my apologies when I need to.
Find the beauty in all the flaws and frailty of humans. Good luck.
Honestly, I think your mindset needs to change. Namely the mindset that having 'burdens' is bad. A burden is a responsibility that's unwanted. Credit card debt is a burden, because you are responsible to pay and you don't want it. Children are certainly a responsibility, but whether they're a burden depends on whether or not you want them. If you don't want them, then of course they're a burden. If you do want them, they are a responsibility, and wanted responsibilities are not burdens.
The opposite of an unwanted responsibility (a burden) is a wanted responsibility. Another word for wanted responsibility is investment. For example, the CEO of a startup has a wanted responsibility to make their company succeed. This is an investment that could pay off big time if they put in the work now.
Thus, whether children are a burden or investment is really up to your mindset.
My wife is gorgeous but I gotta say - once you have kids, there is a very good chance you are in for a HUGE 'demotion' in terms of the attention you can expect to give and receive. There are far too many times I literally can't remember the last time my wife and I had a fun conversation not involving kids, school, housework. The impact on your married relationship will be non trivial. There are (hopefully) great benefits from working through all those kid-issues as a team.
I don't regret having kids, but this really caught me by surprise, and not until several years after our first was born did it really sink in how our relationship had changed and how long that phase lasts. (well beyond the infant/toddler years)
Think your life as a sine and happiness and sadness is the high and low. Having children multiples the amplitude. You will feel happier you ever thought by simply watching them. You will be able to cry on stupid endoftheworld movies because kids. You will walk out of your house at 2 am because otherwise you would hurt those little fkers. You won't sleep well for years. You will be able to squat one more series if you imagine you're saving them with that.
To summarize you will get more _life_ out of having kids with all the highs and lows that life naturally contains.
It can definitely be a challenge. My wife and I waited a long time (10 years) before having a kid. There have been a number of unexpected medical things that have complicated the past ~4 years. I love my son a lot, but I also would have been happy to be just a husband. I think you need to decide what's important to you and whether a child makes that better or worse. Having kids to meet some kind of social norm or expectation is definitely not a good plan (although I'm sure it can work out ok in some situations).
Kudos to you for being forthright enough to say this. It helps those considering children to be able to speak to those who in retrospect might have stayed non-parents. The problem is finding such people to talk with b/c the narrative in our present society (at least in the US) is that such an admission is somehow wrong or improper.
I don't know what to tell you. I love my kids, and i would absolutely make the same decision over again, but a lot of what you said rings true. Kids are a burden. Of course they are. They're not self sufficient. You literally have to carry them around for the first 2 years. I found your unattractive moms comment a bit shallow, but let's talk about it. Everyone ages, looks don't last forever regardless of kids. The more crucial point is, having kids will change your relationship with your partner. You'll no longer be the centre of her world. It's not an easy transition to make, and it leads to break ups. Your sex life will suffer. So will your social life, sleep, and hobbies. But once you look your first born child in the face those things don't seem that important anymore.
Meh, it is not as hard as it seems. Just get yourself 2 kids in quick succession. Adding second one will be both easier than getting first and it will highlight how silly it was to feel that it is difficult when it was just one. Also they will play with each other while you watch TV and drink beer.
1) Get a pet, preferably a dog. See if you can handle the responsibility. Be a good dog owner, train your dog well. If you cannot do a dog, then a child is out of the question.
2) I regret not starting to have kids earlier, as I wish I had more.
3) What kids want most is your time, not STUFF. So yes your free time goes away, but it does come back as they get older.
I don't think anyone can definitively say whether having kids will make your life overall better or worse though we are culturally programmed to think it's always positive but the reality is not always that way. Though there will always be a bit of a what if question in my mind, I don't regret not having kids but if it were a matter of regret I would rather regret not having them than regret having them.
If you aren't sure if you want kids or not and your partner is the same, you probably shouldn't have them. A lot of people get intense pressure from their family to have kids so it can be a very difficult decision to make.
The struggle and burden is real, though most people wrongly assume that it is a linear function of the number of kids. It isn't so bad. The first one upturns your life. The second and third are much less trouble. After that, the only thing you notice is when you outgrow a vehicle. I'm at a 15-passenger van now, which is hard to outgrow before the oldest kids learn to drive.
Once you have a couple kids, you might as well have a dozen.
By "unattractive moms" do you refer to flabby bellies? Yeah, that happens... but then again, to some extent it happens anyway, and we all end up looking awful in the end. If you meant presentation (makeup, hair style, high heels...) then I don't know what to say because I purposely picked a woman with a plain all-natural style.
> Once you have a couple kids, you might as well have a dozen.
You make completele sense. But you didn't; at one time.
It took a lot of convincing before we had our first one. I was terrified and completely worried about everything all the time.
The second also took some convincing. But after he came; I really felt like I could handle anything. After a few months of both; I no longer had these worries about adding more kids. I don't think there's much difference between 2+ and 20.
11 kids, wow! By "unattractive moms" I mean women that have nothing in their mind but their kids, while they used to be smart and universally interested before becoming a mom. I find this transition sad.
The answer sounds obvious to me, don't bother. The planet seems to be overpopulated and we are using up resources far faster than the earth can replenish the, is it really going to be a great future for kids to be born into?
Don't feel bad about struggling with the question. It's only with the recent advent of birth control that it's become a decision we have to make. Children used to just happen.
Lately I've been struggling with what they call inflated responsibility. I typically ruminate that something I said, something I did, or something I did not say or do will have some large negative effect on some or something and that I will be responsible for it. It's immensely stressful to worry about.
I also struggle with OCD. Have for 2 decades now.
It's easily the #1 thing I struggle with more than anything (repetitive thoughts to be precise) and it's a pain in the *.
if you live in one of the states that allow it, consider looking at CBD oil. my co-worker who describes symptoms like yours and has been taking anxiety medication for years due to a TBI discovered it recently and called it a revelation.
I've taken classes, done simple stuff, talk about it with friends who are coders, but I just can't seem to get a job.
I've tried making a move to a programmer position in my last two jobs, but I either blow the interview, or my department holds me back cause they need me, or in my current job they tell me that they only hire level 3 engineers...
I can't find junior software engineer positions that would even interview me and it's become a thing that all I'll be good for is application support, no matter how much knowledge I show about programming and logic
To get some credentials you need a body of work or a degree. Volunteer program, either for a charity or an open source project. Then you can reference that.
A number of years ago, a friend of mine did some work on an open source C++ library. Google called him.
Feeling always behind the others. I've recently completed my master in CS while working full time. I still feel that I'm vastly behind other people in terms of compensation and knowledge. I can never be motivated at my current work when I know there are new grads making double or triple of my current salary.
I feel like it's "everything" right now. Finding happiness. Impending divorce, possibly losing my kids, fighting with my soon-to-be-ex-spouse with regards to the kids education & where to live, how to make ends meet, etc. Being miserable with my career... It's a long list.
I struggle with the management of my life, honestly.
Dealing with a chronic health condition, working full time, exercise (which often doesn't happen), spending time with friends and family (whom I've been neglecting in favor of a project), and finding time for the absurdly long list of projects I want to work on (which never gets shorter as I rarely get to work on them).
The health and work thing really take up all of my time. It's kind of a bummer, really.
I can't stop to underestimate myself on my programming level so that I'm not applying to some cool jobs because I think that I wouldn't make it, while knowing in my deep mind that I could totally do it.
I've been programming since ten years, I'm 23 now, I've finished my Msc in embedded software engineering. Programming is my biggest passion. I've created and sold websites for companies of my city and cities around mainly when I was ~16yo and even from time to time until now. I've made and sold multiple mobile apps, some that have currently thousands of clients by subscription. And I have always since 13yo at least a project in my hands.
I'm really not good at selling myself for companies where I'm applying for a job, it's terrible
Lack of discipline and motivation. Just having an obligation to do something causes huge amounts of stress (sometimes to the point of physical pain), so I get easily distracted by anything that is not the task at hand. Ending up burning midnight oil to catch up.
Getting freelance web development work. Maybe the markets are just changing, but in the past couple years my opportunities for new clients and projects have dropped off significantly and it's become very hard to sustain myself anymore.
I am struggling to find steady work. I had a fabulous job after my Masters in US, which I left to move overseas with family.
Was young and decided to start a company with a friend
which was shut down after quite a bit of coasting aimlessly. Tried another startup but didn't market it much hoping people will find it themselves since the product was good. (Lesson learnt !)
In the meanwhile, I developed a paranoia of flying which meant I could not go back to my old job, not to mention the visa hassles. Been freelancing for last two-three years and its just enough to put some food on the table and largess from parents is seeing me and my family through. All this took a toll on my health and I started developing classical anxiety symptoms (learnt about it later) and started worrying that something is seriously wrong with me medically. Still living with these although the frequency has gone down a bit.
Not enough money from a promising career guy (me) took a toll on all my relationships especially my spouse. I haven't really spent on any hobbies or have effectively killed all my interests as they all require money.
I am still trying to keep myself updated with latest technologies but since I do not have regular work to show of to potential employers and probably little big of ageism, its not getting easy to get any interview calls. Thinking of trying to get into teaching as it might be something I can possibly be hired for.
Money.... no matter what I do, I'm always living paycheck to paycheck. Even when I budget carefully, it just flies out the door. I am not sure how to get things under control and I'm worried that I'm just going to keep going further into debt. I've been working for years and don't have anything to show for it except for a bunch of debt and a credit card that's starting to fill up again.
Insomnia, it's a fun one. I have learned patience, and through the buddhist approach to non-self a way to deal with my suffering. I'm tired, a lot, but sometimes I'm not! I've learned to appreciate those times immensely instead of focusing on wanting to be in a state that is unattainable. I'm not fully in control, and that's ok, I do what I can, when I can.
People around me are stressed and burnt out and I don't know what to do to help. I simply don't have this problem, so can't relate.
My wife is constantly asking when is the next time we can "have a break" but I'm actually happier with the status quo than when we go away. I'm not sure what to do.
I'm genuinely interested in advice if anyone has any to share.
When people are stressed and burnt out and come to talk to you about it, you don't need to relate. You just need to listen and be supportive. In my experience, most people don't want advice or stories of related experiences - they just want to talk through their problems and figure it out for themselves. Just ask questions, or listen.
As for the second point, you should probably listen to your wife. The status quo will be here when you get back from your break. That is assuming, you mean break to mean something like "holiday" or "vacation".
I struggle with avoiding desensitization or the status quo feeling one should just focus on one’s own life and not let external sources of moral or ethical outrage affect you.
It is so critical to be outraged by an ever-increasing number of things that truly, sincerely deserve to evoke outrage. Any solution that proposes to somehow not be outraged just cannot be considered.
Yet at the same time, nobody has the bandwidth to be so outraged, let alone to try to have a happy life.
I think this is a non-trivial problem of modern philosophy. Is it ethically OK to short-circuit your moral outrage because pragmatically there are too many issues to be able to process, or it would be socially offputting to be “on” all the time?
Shouldn’t you take great pains to boycott products or services from bad actors, protest abuses of power and corruption, never ever become exhausted of talking about or listening to discussions of these issues, even unto whatever toll it takes on your personal life?
I am mostly struggling with losimg weight. I have always been around 200lbs with highest at 204lbs. Recently I went on a low carb diet and cut out most sugar except from fruit and I got down to 194 lbs but according to an app I have I am still at the extreme end of obese. I'm 5'11 with a body day of 26.4% though I don't look that fat. I do have somewhat of a gut but it's been shrinking on my new diet. Recently I started lifting and i put on some muscle mass around arms and core but I have now plateaued in weight loss at around 193. I have never been able to get to 180 in my life except when I passed that number on the way up. My ultimate goal is 175 with 10% body fat but I have a feeling I need to go on an extremely controlled diet with a ton of exercise, lifting and cardio. I feel demotivated and defeated so this is what I struggle with most.
Energy/productivity. I have the time to work on things, but after a day of work and an hour at the gym my brain just wants to go straight to reading, videogames, or laying down and relaxing.
I'm struggling to consistently use those 5+ hours of free time every day for something that will move me further in life.
Maybe you're being too hard on yourself and expecting drastic results too soon. Day of meaningful work + gym consistently over an extended period of time will help further you in life. Reading can help further you in life (obviously pending what you read). Only thing I see up there that I'd consider as a time waster would be video games... but even then a few hours a week to unwind can't be all that bad. I think Steven Spielberg and Elon Musk are known to game from time to time
I am 35 and I am lonely and it's not getting any better + my job is getting boring (DBA), since I am pretty familiar with everything, and there's no chance for me to switch to programming, even though I know JS and many other languages, but my resume says: 10+ years DBA.
Does improving query optimizers or other internal stages sound interesting? If you've been a DBA for 10 years then you're going to know a few things about the way databases work internally, even if you specifically only have experience with say SQL Server or Oracle.
You could very probably pivot around into database development/maintenance and the transition (including the job-hunt bit) may be less bumpy than you expect.
The process of figuring out if this is a worthwhile idea might also be able to squash the loneliness bit: go tinker on open-source database systems for a while, in your spare time.
I've heard Redis is very clean C code and very easy to hack on, so that might be an interesting starting point. On the other hand Redis isn't quite SQL, it's a key/value store, so perhaps it wouldn't be a good fit.
MySQL and PostgreSQL are so part of the furniture one's initial thought on poking those might be "why would I even dive in", which is totally valid if nothing's on fire and there are no critical money-eating bugs or whatever. But the chances are a decade's DBA experience might come in handy.
I've no idea what languages you know, how much experience you have with what, and (most importantly) what random technical things will leap out at you as especially interesting when you see them.
> Does improving query optimizers or other internal stages sound interesting? If you've been a DBA for 10 years then you're going to know a few things about the way databases work internally, even if you specifically only have experience with say SQL Server or Oracle.
> You could very probably pivot around into database development/maintenance and the transition (including the job-hunt bit) may be less bumpy than you expect.
Yes, that's totally doable in the PG world. Send a few small patches, proof that you can work with the community, and you'll likely start to get job offers. You won't get close 100% open source work immediately, of course, but there's several places that hire where you can have growth potential.
Hey, guys, thanks for answers. Didn't think anyone would even notice my comment! I really like the idea of helping the community even for free. The problem here is I have no idea how to start. For me to dig deeper (and I am working with Oracle on a daily basis) the problem has to occure and be repetable, so how can I get into fixing problems if I am not even using PG? I could, probably, install it on my PC/notebook, but it won't be a production use, so I probably won't face any problems.. It's always been a puzzle for me: how do people start with open source projects.
Ah, this is why I scroll through my threads view repeatedly...
Well, putting fires out is one thing, but that's not everything.
It sounds like you've basically dug a hole inside Oracle and lived in it for 10 years. That certainly works, but as you've found, can be very insular. So, spinning up a different database, or even databases plural, so you can learn difference between Oracle and what else is out there, would generally be a good idea.
Understanding how to set up a new database installation and tune it would also be good. If the above point refers to having a broad understanding of different systems, this point covers having some level of depth with each system, particularly configuration. (The thing that popped into my head was the possibility that... maybe... one day you'd get the opportunity to go "actually, I know of a faster way to solve this database problem - if we use this free database over here types for 4 seconds and suddenly a new PG installation is running we can just import the data types for 2 more seconds and the data is imported and then writes query on first try in 8 seconds get the result we need." "...Can you move this off your laptop?" "Sure! :D"
Okay, I have no idea if the above would ever happen where you currently are :) but it's of course a good idea to be confident with configuration, setup, optimization, how things can fall apart and explode, etc.
One idea: when confronted with a real-world issue, if you're in an environment that will let you clip out bits of production data and play with them on your own machine for testing, it might be useful/interesting to figure out how to solve a given problem on multiple databases. (Translation: if you follow the path you're on, it's possible you'll be using something other than Oracle. You could use your current prod data as homework on "but how do I do X for Y DB?", and save the boredom of using synthetic lorem ipsum. You might find certain databases work faster for certain queries than Oracle does, which wouldn't surprise me at all.)
Also, on https://www.postgresql.org/community/, I found the link to the https://www.postgresql.org/list/pgsql-jobs/ mailinglist; this is basically a "Who is hiring?" specifically for PG-related stuff. This immediately makes me wonder: what should someone who's stared at Oracle for 10 years focus on with PG, so they could competently pick something up from here and run with it? (Might be a question for IRC, Slack or the mailinglists.)
Thanks very much for mentioning that you are in Russia in a previous comment :) this gave me more bits of entropy to throw at Google and found some potentially interesting results.
So... this brought up a new idea that could be very interesting: you could specialize in Oracle-to-PostgreSQL migrations! This may well be a very worthwhile investment of time; large installations that need Everything And Especially All The Details® to Just Work And Simply Never Ever Fall Over™ are naturally going to be more than happy throwing you piles of money. I imagine that even in an assistant or entry-level position (being pragmatic; no insult intended) the associated portions allocated to you from said piles of money may still be appreciable. (Something I think about a lot is "where does everything scale so much it leaks tons of money?" :D)
I have sleep apnea, but it's controlled with a CPAP. My numbers are good and I've felt better since I started using it, but I still like I need a nap most of the time.
I exercise, eat right, take vitamins and supplements, but I just can't escape the fatigue.
---
Money. I got a divorce a few years ago and now I'm paying 1/3 of my income in alimony. Combine that with having taken a lower paying job a year ago. My old job slowed down and I hastily took a defense contractor job so I could pay alimony. Now I have to work a side job just to make what I used to.
I'm trying to land a FANG job which will boost my income enough not to worry about it, but that's tough to do when you're tired all the time.
Got a supply of armodafinil but I weaned myself off when I got the CPAP. I did OK for a couple months but now I'm sluggish again. I have essential tremor, which is made worse by armodafinil so I'm trying not to rely on it. Good stuff though.
So, you have to pick your poison now, eh? Sorry to hear that.
Don't give up though, there might be a combination of drugs that will reduce the side effect. It might be a lot of work to find the right combo, but the stakes are high too.
For me, it's being obsessed with productivity and getting things done, as well as constantly having some side project going (for fun). It's not extreme (i.e. I'm not losing sleep over it), but it does take the joy out of things sometimes because I feel like I have to be producing something to be of value. It's hard to just sit still and enjoy quiet because I feel like I need to be working on something.
On top of this, because I've been working on getting more efficient and smart at getting things done, I get impatient when people don't aspire to the same level. I find it alienating.
Immigration. I came to the US (specifically to Indianapolis) about 12 years ago. I acquired citizenship in 2016. And yet, I have failed to integrate to this community. I have no friends, just co-workers. And I feel like I already tried everything: meetup, book clubs, bar trivia, you name it. It does not help the current political climate, in which we are guilty of all the disgraces that occur here. I am contemplating going back to Colombia, but the career prospects look real bad. Career wise I am doing terrific, I make good money, own a house, have no debt. But I am so fucking alone.
Lack of (career) ambition. Because of a workaholic dad I sworn to myself to always choose an easy worklife. Take the easy path. Currently in a family with kids and a nice job, but I lack the motivation to really make a career. Sure it's a fun (programming) job with a lot of freedom. But I only do what is necessary, nothing more. Money is not an issue or driver for me. People may see me as lazy. Will I regret this?
Also, is playing videogames in your thirties considered childish? I sometimes get the impression that people do. Not sure how to respond to that.
I firmly believe that society puts too much emphasis on the wrong aspect of our lives today. The fact you feel vaguely guilty for not being more driven to achieve at work is a symptom of this imho.
You have a family, a job you like, and a a work\home balance that allows time for videogames? sounds like you've won at life, friend. people have ambitions to get where you ARE.
I'm struggling with how to market myself. I'd like to take what I do as a full time employee and pivot into doing it as an independent consultant. Yet have been struggling to find enough side income to support making that jump full time, because I can't find an "elevator pitch" that articulates what I do and what value I provide. The vast majority of side gigs I've gotten have come from previous bosses who have firsthand experience working with me, but the work is too sporadic to rely on.
In case anyone here has any advice in how I can position myself: I'm a generalist that specializes in getting shit done. Whether that's strategy/advisory support, execution of exploratory initiatives until they show enough ROI for a full time hire, or filling skill gaps that are too sporadic to justify an FTE. I've worked directly under CMOs, CEOs, COOs, CTOs, business owners, as well as client-facing agency work. And in essentially all cases, have been the guy you go to when you don't know who to go to. I generally "seed" efforts, working end to end until it scales to the point of supporting specialists. I've been a one-person data/analytics team (fully owned from maintaining the databases to coding the ETL to writing SQL queries that support the analytics/dashboards for the business) that I've scaled to an entire operations and decision support department. I've managed advertising campaigns and created an entire conversion rate optimization infrastructure to support getting the most out of my campaigns. I've also worked with technical teams to adjust development processes so that they incorporate best practices that drastically improve the ease of marketing/analytics efforts. And most of all, I end up getting pulled into meetings to resolve confusion between business teams and technical teams.
Ideally, I'd like to provide those same type of "catch all" services as a consultant. For a monthly retainer, I can fill whatever strategy or tactical level gap you have. If you're a technical person/team struggling with sales or marketing, I can provide that guidance along with initial implementation/execution to prove it out. For business people/teams, I can either provide technical points of view to ease communication with your tech team, or provide actual execution services if needed.
I might have lost a second friend to suicide even though the last time this happened I promised myself that I would do something before it's too late.
Problem is I have no way of knowing for sure, because the only means of contact I had with him was through facebook and his account is currently gone.
He's been openly contemplating taking his life for a year now or so. Normally whenever he did this I would try to be there for him but apparently that was to little, to late.
>> I would do something before it's too late
>> apparently that was to little, to late
You can't take that all on yourself. The way people reach out is a factor in suicide but it's absolutely not the only one. I hope you find out what happened to your friend and that it was nothing too final, but please don't make the mistake of carrying that burden. It would be as big a mistake for you to do that as it would've been for your friend to feel like death was the only way to deal with their problems.
I have a learning disability that I overcome by being methodical towards approaching and solving complex problems. As a result, I require more time over the average person for the simple requirement of being organized before I can move on through a process. This has been a challenge that I'm still learning to overcome. Lastly, I have a difficult time accepting and allowing room for failure which is a necessary outcome or experience in engineering disciplines.
I struggle with deciding whether or not to stay at a job that's close to home, one in which I really like my team and the work I do, but the pay is way below market rate.
The pay normally doesn't bother me unless certain bills or other things come up, but when it does, I always think about my pay rate and where I probably should be at.
My issue is that the _only_ thing I don't like about the job is the pay but everything else keeps me here and I don't know what to do.
I struggle to get respect in the workplace. New in the last 5 years.
Have been a programmer since high school, now early-30’s. Am now homeless in Silicon Valley because coworkers at each job profile me wrong and bully me out. Recently I was wrongly identified as a Trumper and fired while on berevement leave via bogus HR reports. Later I had my Christmas days off revoked while boss was laughing in Hawaii at next employer, and had the final employer do an illegal reference check and refuse to officially acknowledge it—walked off these two. My network abandonded me in doubt, so options are worse than ever and confidence is hard to muster/maintain.
Seems like there is no way to get on track beyond luck/good will, and I am so skeptical of nice gestures that it can be offputting for all involved.
LAZINESS! There's so much I can do, yet I'm not doing it all! Spiderman said that with great power comes great responsilibity, and it's been haunting my all my life!
Currently juggling with 2 projects, and I got 2 more ideas I barely started implementing.
Besides #1 where I don't have much of a choice, I struggle to make progress towards both #2 and #3 sometimes. I feel like maybe I should just focus on one or the other at a time e.g. I'm not even 1 year into my new job, so perhaps I don't already be practicing for another, and should just concentrate on my app after work.
Try to use the Pomodoro Technique[1]... believe me, it helps.
It organizes your tasks in rounds of deep focus with intervals and the results are very good, specially if you are dealing with multiple things at once.
My health. The past several years have been a journey of finding a diet and lifestyle that minimizes the pain and discomfort.
The other half of that is, when genetics and circumstance have such a crippling impact on one's ability to live a "normal life", how do you cope with it emotionally and spiritually? That's the more challenging half of what I struggle with.
I struggle with the fact that I'm going to have to quit academia and get a data science job (probably). I love academia. But I am too slow, and personal life means I am geographically constrained. My plan is to choose a topic and work at that as an academic side project, with the aim to still publish either alone or with seated academic friends.
Discipline, time management, fear of commitment, money to some extent and then occasionally my self-image.
Reading the responses here makes me feel blessed for my problems. Also I am making progress on them (these are long term things that I will be dealing with in some form my whole life, hopefully the money one will be gone by the time I add health to the list).
I struggle with crippling social anxiety and shyness that has affected every aspect of my life. I'm 33. It's made job interviews awkward/uncomfortable, and even made it hard to find rock climbing partners because I'm not really fun to be around. I don't know what to do. Therapists haven't helped.
Improv classes ,, and find some actors in classic films or television series , try to emulate them and incorporate their quirks into your style and mannerisms basically you will fake it until it actually becomes a part of you because the grooves in the neurons will finally be beaten down. Also helps to do lots of exercise - work up to 1000 push-ups per day (with breaks) over maybe 2 year training period but since u rock climb ur probably fit conscious already . If you think a situation is embarrassing or something , reframe it as an opportunity to collect a funny story to tell, think stand up comedian , so underneath all the chaos of the situation there’s the shining gem of ‘what a f’ing funny - curb your enthusiasm - Essie uncomfortable situation I’m in , this will be a great story to tell later on .
Read how to win friends and influence people. I used to have similar issues and you just need to understand what people want out of an interaction. My crippling social anxiety is put at bay by constantly pushing past my comfort zone. It's a slow process but eventually it kinda just stops.
I'm 30. I've never held down a full-time job. I've been in 4 software companies over the years and I've only lasted a few months at each one. I've also tried contact programming so I have a similar string of failures.
I've been to doctors, career advisors and so on but I don't really have any answers.
Anxiety about the future of artificial intelligence. I feel like human intelligence is constant and AI is ever-increasing. Eventually we’ll be way behind and I don’t know how to think about a world where humans are second tier. It’s honestly made me less happy and affects my day-to-day life.
Controlling my thoughts, I have really despecible thoughts going in my mind, I tried meditation, trying to think about something else, etc., but it's really hard to stop them.
Caffeine addiction, physiological dependence and psychological addiction, where the caffeine plays a major factor in ill health effects (sleep loss, anxiety, depression, etc.)
finding a realistic way forward for myself in light of my talents and shortcomings. with great effort i have produced stability that is comfortable enough, but it isn't anything that i could ever be proud of.
I guess it is OK if you are in the inner city of Berlin. But if you go beyond Berlin a little bit, German language is needed to have a bit of a social life.
Good one to vent a bit. I'm 30 now, living in the Netherlands, and dropped out of a PhD in epidemiology/bioinformatics to work remotely for a company in the US. This has been great. Pay is wonderful, approx 130k/year. My official title is something like Senior Data Scientist. I work mostly on the application of machine learning and natural language processing to clinical study data. Between the day to day ops and management, I sometimes put together neat little ML prototypes. And, in the past 3 years I managed a team that I personally put together through hiring and firing. The company I work for gives me a lot of autonomy, and I think we've delivered truly amazing things in that time span. We've literally build a state-of-the-art medical search engine from scratch, from the design, to the Clojure programming, down to the nuts and bolts of putting the machines in the racks. Since things were seemingly going well, I thought "good moment to buy a house". So I bought a house, approx 400k (coming down to 2000/month roughly). But ... I've recently become aware of some changes to the company structure that may or may not play out well. I think they will, but they might not. So there's a reasonable risk that I might be unemployed soon-ish. This scares me. Being in the far North of the Netherlands, there aren't a lot of job opportunities for a drop-out like me. And, finding a company that is willing to take the risk of hiring me remotely ... yeah I'd even be hesitant in hiring myself at that pay-rate. The thing is, I might have to sell the house and all that shitty adult stuff if that happens, just to cut monthly costs. That scares me.
On top of that ... I'm not even sure I /want/ to work anymore. I would love to work on things like climate change, but that being underfunded (and not having a degree) I don't see happening. The only openings I see for a Senior Data Scientist position usually require a PhD (which I dropped out of sigh), or are in the ad space. And, for as long as I have a say in the matter I will never work in the ad space.
I've been thinking of doing my own thing, bootstrap something. But I literally don't know what. Cynicism maybe. You hear all these stories of bozos pitching some idea but can't get the people to build it; I guess I'm the opposite: I think, given time and resources, I can build a lot of things ... but seriously, I wouldn't have a clue what to work on. Except maybe multi-stage flash desalination using concentrated (heliostat) solar power to green deserts as a carbon sink ... but yeah, not a civil engineer.
The thing is ... through life choices I think I've made myself unemployable. I need the autonomy to do stuff, or I'll go mad (also, don't make me get out of bed before 10AM ... just not going to happen). But on the other hand, man it's been a productive 3 years ... and I learned /so/ much. I wish I just knew what to work on next. But my dysthymia prevents me from seeing that stuff clearly. If someone with a cool idea comes around, I'd love to sink my teeth into stuff; on my own, all I think of is the impending climate change disaster. Fun fun fun.
I think you're amplifying the weight of the degree in the hiring process and I'm not sure it's such a hard requirement given the increasing demand for data scientists and ML engineers. I can definitely empathize with your lack of confidence given that I'm a drop-out myself [Undergrad - quite far from PhD :D]
I even have an H-index of 8 (eight papers of which I am included as an author, cited at least 8 times). It's more the uncertainty that I am struggling with. I don't want to become some wage slave weighed down by a barely payable mortgage. I want to work on stuff that truly matters, but funnily enough ... the world is in disagreement on that one as far as I can see (ads, "social" networks, forcing influence one way or the other ...)
Ditto. What an annoying thing. To fall asleep (and I sleep extremely well) I have mp3s of comedy playing otherwise I only hear the sounds of my ears and cannot get to sleep. It tried muziek, nature noises, white noise, other noise; nothing really seems to work besides something that fluctuates enough but somehow not music. The stuff I play I know by heart so it does not interest me per se but it all still makes me laugh and is never annoying; cannot put on audio books as then I would not sleep but listen to them.
I cannot do speech conference calls mostly as I will hear nothing and real meetings need to be in quiet rooms or I hear nothing of what was said. Chat rooms are a godsend. Not sure what I would have done if I lived currently in the 80s.
Because I have had this for a long while I recognise people who have a similar or the same affliction; in business especially men are ashamed or something of it; many times in meetings when there is persistent background noise, I see people in the room who clearly understand absolutely nothing of what is said but act like they do. I just ask if we can move somewhere else or that they will need to start talking louder and while looking at me.
Besides the tinnitus my hearing is good; in hearing tests I score well and aids do not help with this.
I find it very difficult to care about the shit that needs shoveling every day in the bowels of a tech company (or really anywhere in corporate America). I remember when I used to be able to convince myself of the value of what my employer was doing and my contribution to that.
Not only all that, but there is so much about tech companies now that I find distasteful. The underplayed arrogance of engineers, the cliquishness of who gets to make decisions and who gets the good work, being on a team starving for resources while others get every blessing available, the pervasive self-serious belief that we are changing the world instead of making a bit of lucre (nothing wrong with that really, but call it what it is).
I don't have any drive for any of it. I just want to read and think about things that are interesting to me. I'm hoping I can cash out and stop the madness, but as we all know, options are lottery tickets until they aren't.
