Reading this I felt as if someone was holding up a mirror to me. I am a borderline personality, so in some ways I know how you feel. On the other hand I should be the last person giving you advice as I am a work in progress too, but I need to say a few things to you.
First of all, I know that you probably feel inside that it's wrong for you to be like this, and sometimes you just question why you're a freak. Other times you might question your very existence, and how far you have fallen. After all being hysterical isn't something that you look forward too. I used to feel exactly the same, but then you have those days when everything is beautiful and you are high in ways that is so difficult to define in words. Those days make you wonder even more why you're like this, but the thing is that its okay. There is nothing wrong with you.
I know that this is so clichéd and you hear this all the time, but its true. It takes some time to digest and even more time to accept, but consider the possibility. This curse might actually be a boon in a lot of ways.
Second, is there anyone you love and trust? Talking to people helps a lot, especially when you are down and out. It, in fact, saved my life. I wouldn't be alive bashing this out right now if someone hadn't loved me, guided me and accepted me.
I know that you probably won't talk to them because you don't want to be a burden, but can you imagine how they feel about you? They will in fact be glad that you reached out to them in the darkest moments of your life, and it will show you a side of humanity that most people never see. As this forum proves people can be extremely kind, loving and generous. A lot of people are will go the distance to help you heal. Let them do that.
You are not a burden either. In fact, it's quite probable that you've made a contribution to their life in a way that even you can't define. So, don't plunge the icy dagger of death into them. Reach out to them. Also if you want you can email me at yesthisisananonymousid [at] gmail. (can't post my real id on this forum in case someone from my past reads this)
Third, taking those pills will not be a good experience. At times they are a constant reminder that no matter what you do, what plans you make, what you think, what you dream. You are at the mercy of those tiny bundles of chemicals, and a bunch of receptors in your brain.
DON'T let that stop you from taking them. They are a lifeline in that chaos, and sure there is a cost to taking some of them but it is worth each and every moment. It helps you to breathe in a way that you had long forgotten, and that sense of freedom from your moods is an amazing feeling. Moreover, as time passes on you'll be able to leave that crutch, or reduce it to barely perceptible amounts, and live life free.
Fourth, I want you to know that you really aren't alone. Even though we have never met, and probably never will I want to tell you that I can empathize with you and if you wish I want to be there for you.
First of all, I know that you probably feel inside that it's wrong for you to be like this, and sometimes you just question why you're a freak. Other times you might question your very existence, and how far you have fallen. After all being hysterical isn't something that you look forward too. I used to feel exactly the same, but then you have those days when everything is beautiful and you are high in ways that is so difficult to define in words. Those days make you wonder even more why you're like this, but the thing is that its okay. There is nothing wrong with you.
I know that this is so clichéd and you hear this all the time, but its true. It takes some time to digest and even more time to accept, but consider the possibility. This curse might actually be a boon in a lot of ways.
Second, is there anyone you love and trust? Talking to people helps a lot, especially when you are down and out. It, in fact, saved my life. I wouldn't be alive bashing this out right now if someone hadn't loved me, guided me and accepted me.
I know that you probably won't talk to them because you don't want to be a burden, but can you imagine how they feel about you? They will in fact be glad that you reached out to them in the darkest moments of your life, and it will show you a side of humanity that most people never see. As this forum proves people can be extremely kind, loving and generous. A lot of people are will go the distance to help you heal. Let them do that.
You are not a burden either. In fact, it's quite probable that you've made a contribution to their life in a way that even you can't define. So, don't plunge the icy dagger of death into them. Reach out to them. Also if you want you can email me at yesthisisananonymousid [at] gmail. (can't post my real id on this forum in case someone from my past reads this)
Third, taking those pills will not be a good experience. At times they are a constant reminder that no matter what you do, what plans you make, what you think, what you dream. You are at the mercy of those tiny bundles of chemicals, and a bunch of receptors in your brain.
DON'T let that stop you from taking them. They are a lifeline in that chaos, and sure there is a cost to taking some of them but it is worth each and every moment. It helps you to breathe in a way that you had long forgotten, and that sense of freedom from your moods is an amazing feeling. Moreover, as time passes on you'll be able to leave that crutch, or reduce it to barely perceptible amounts, and live life free.
Fourth, I want you to know that you really aren't alone. Even though we have never met, and probably never will I want to tell you that I can empathize with you and if you wish I want to be there for you.
Take care.
P.S. - You might get some mileage from the awesome advice lionhearted and others gave me in this thread (http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=1484882).