I wouldn't rule out something medically not quite optimal with your brain and you may want to talk to a professional about some medication to help bring things in to a balance (you didn't mention that you'd done that yet or not).
Medical aspects aside, it sounds like you've not been able to find a niche yet. I'm not trying to trivialize this, but you obviously do have some passion (as others note) but you can't channel it in to something productive for very long. It also sounds like you're trying to do this all on your own.
There are people who remain stuck in one routine for years or decades. You have the ability - probably a compulsion - to get in to new situations routinely. Believe it or not, this would be seen as an asset in many organizations. A 'presales engineer' position (if you're technical) might be a great position to get in to, as you're constantly getting in to new situations and people, most of whom you won't need to deal with a few weeks or months after the sale is made.
Without sounding trite, suicide isn't the answer. You've likely got quite a lot to offer. You're on HN after all ;) I hate to just say 'go get counseling and medication' - I think there's probably other things you can do outside of that, or in addition to that course.
I realize I don't know you much, except for what you've posted here, but I really don't think things are as hopeless for you as they may feel right now. I don't think I've had things as bad as you're describing, but I am known for an extreme inability to focus/concentrate on anything for very long. I don't tout it, but have worked on coping strategies over the years. Eventually I found a book by Barbra Sher (http://www.barbarasher.com) - well, she's got a few. Wishcraft might be a decent one to start with. It's free, and while a bit airy fairy at times, might help you to see things in a different light. I was first turned on to Sher when I was reading up on the problem of TMI (Too Many Interests).
http://knacks.esmartdesign.com/#The_Too_Many_Aptitude_Proble... was the first article I'd found, which seemed to describe me to a T. I've since self-diagnosed myself with that 'condition' and went looking for info which would help me learn more about that. There's no 'magic bullet cure', but that bit of self-knowledge has helped me avoid situations which I knew would make me miserable, and have slowly forged a better, more fulfilling life (though even now, I keep changing my goal posts).
The biggest thing I learned from that little journey is that there's nothing 'wrong' (in an absolute sense) with that condition - it's just different.
If you'd care to discuss any of this further, please ping me at any time at mgkimsal@gmail.com or 919-827-4724.
Wow, that Too Many Aptitudes thing is spot on for me. I've been struggling with that exact problem, every other month I'm a hacker, a fiction writer, a philosopher, a graphics designer, a jeweler, a social worker, a fashion designer, etc, etc. My latest effort has been just to accept that my interests will rotate and rather than abandon old projects, just come back to them when I get interested in them again, and hopefully eventually I will complete something...
"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects."
It's a very stirring quote, and one I used to like. But the only way to do novel work is to go far enough in one direction that you get past the problem space all the specialists have already covered, and that seems hard to do part-time.
The takeaway from all of this is that TMA page helped me identify and 'diagnose' (in a loose sense) that condition. The Sher books above helped with some practical advice on how to live and deal, and sometimes thrive, with the condition. Her term for someone with TMA would be 'scanner' , and she's written about scanners for years.
I've been juggling things for a while, and currently I'm a publisher (groovymag and jsmag), a consultant (really just consulting sometimes), a developer (hands on coding), a trainer, speaker (2-3 conferences per year), have written a book, and am working on some other projects for later this year which may help open some doors in to new avenues.
Had I stayed at my job I would have been more compensated financially but far less fulfilled. That said, I still wrestle with feelings of unfulfilledness, and some of that comes down to not being able to execute on all my ideas. What I'd like to do is get to the point where I'm comfortable hiring people to do a lot of the grunt work fulfilling my ideas (I don't particularly care to do the work, I just think it needs to get done).
This doesn't mean I'll never take a traditional full time job again, but I'm a lot more demanding and critical when I talk to potential employers. That still comes up now and then, and I'm a lot of aware of myself and open when talking about employment. Nothing has yet fit the bill, but I'm not shutting the doors to that possibility. I just don't think it'll be likely. It'll need to be a kickass company and/or working in an extremely engaging problem space with some freedom for me to float around some. Very few traditional jobs fit that bill.
Thanks for the links. Right now I'm in the position where finishing college has been a 7 year ordeal and I still don't 'know what I'm going to do'. Started off in CS but it required way more singular focus than I am capable of (was at CMU), so I switched to creative writing, which allows a lot more flexibility in terms of what I decide to put on a page, but not particularly clear career paths...
I have what I think are some pretty awesome web/software ideas, but I only ever spend a few days in a row working on them because coding requires that sort of singular focus that I can't maintain for much longer than that.
And then now there's potentially (probably) a girl in the mix, so who knows what's going to happen...
I had no idea what to do starting college, then I dropped out. I went back later (long story) - ended up taking a logic course in philosophy program - aced it, and routed myself in to a philosophy degree. What the hell do you do with a philosophy degree? Get a programming job of course! (which is what I managed).
I was basically doing the drop out thing while I was in college. I would take 4 courses a semester, focus on whichever one piqued my interest, and then fail or drop out of the other 3. Wasted a lot of money.
It has a TMA-esque category It really helped me self-diagnose... and diagnose others, heh heh.
Basically it got me off of binary skill judgement of both myself and others. (Less "that person is awesome!" or "that person sucks!" and more about how job design is usually the issue, rather than people.)
Had not heard of Kolbe, and yeah, if it's not free, it might not get as wide acclaim. (just noticed it was featured on Oprah - I guess they don't need any more acclaim!). That said, the TMA stuff is not a clinical diagnostic tool, just some guy's writings. That said, they are quite accurate in how they reflect much of my own thinking and mind.
It's taken me a long time to stop being as judgmental about people as I've been in the past, and to start recognizing and appreciating the particular skills and qualities others have. It's not easy to recognize in others when you measure everyone (and yourself) against perfection.
I'm not sure many of the psychological tests out there are free, and likely having one 'officially' administered wouldn't be free anyway. I had my IQ tested as an adult a couple years ago by a friend's wife who needed to run these tests as part of her phd work. Apparently it's quite easy to find kids to test, but few adults were willing to put themselves through it. I hadn't realized the 'instruments' cost so much money, but there's a big industry in psychologically measuring and evaluating people. It shouldn't have been a surprise, but it was.
Thanks a ton for the TMA link. It was like reading a manual about myself. I have been struggling with my job choices ever since I started working 3 years back. I find it difficult to fit into the system, and I find myself questioning authority all the time. Somewhere down the line I realized that I am able to perform at my best when I am put in an environment with very less restrictions and I have the freedom to make strategic decisions. Being given a list of specs and then coding to the specs is just not my kind of thing. I have often felt confused about my career decision to be a programmer due to this reason.
Just like the OP I find it difficult to sustain my interests for a long time. I have been trying for my own startup for the past one and a half years. I start on ideas with very high initial enthusiasm, but in a few weeks I have given up on the idea and jumped to the next exciting one. Looking back on the last one year or so I feel disappointed with myself for wasting possible opportunities. But many thanks to the OP and all other good HN'ers for throwing more light on this issue. I feel I understand myself better now, and i'm going to approach my interests with a new sense of purpose. Thanks again.
No problem - glad I could help shed some light on things. I've recently come to that conclusion about work - currently I'm best when I get to make strategic decisions, whether it's about which client work to take, code architecture, or just about anything really.
"Being given a list of specs and then coding to the specs is just not my kind of thing" I bet creating the architecture for how the problem will be solved in the first place is more your kind of thing. I used to think every programmer wanted to be an architect, then realized a few years ago that wasn't the case.
You're plenty welcome. And... as odd as it may have seemed, the phone number's there if/when you want to chat. It may amount to absolutely nothing, or it might be useful for the both of us. I'm not awake 24/7, but am available quite a lot :) By way of reference, I'm plenty older than you, and have dealt with a lot of how you feel (except for the startup in highschool stuff!) since my teens - it definitely can get better. To a large extent things are what we make of them, and the beauty of life is that we can make of it what we want (sorry to get too philosophical so late/early in the day!)
Medical aspects aside, it sounds like you've not been able to find a niche yet. I'm not trying to trivialize this, but you obviously do have some passion (as others note) but you can't channel it in to something productive for very long. It also sounds like you're trying to do this all on your own.
There are people who remain stuck in one routine for years or decades. You have the ability - probably a compulsion - to get in to new situations routinely. Believe it or not, this would be seen as an asset in many organizations. A 'presales engineer' position (if you're technical) might be a great position to get in to, as you're constantly getting in to new situations and people, most of whom you won't need to deal with a few weeks or months after the sale is made.
Without sounding trite, suicide isn't the answer. You've likely got quite a lot to offer. You're on HN after all ;) I hate to just say 'go get counseling and medication' - I think there's probably other things you can do outside of that, or in addition to that course.
I realize I don't know you much, except for what you've posted here, but I really don't think things are as hopeless for you as they may feel right now. I don't think I've had things as bad as you're describing, but I am known for an extreme inability to focus/concentrate on anything for very long. I don't tout it, but have worked on coping strategies over the years. Eventually I found a book by Barbra Sher (http://www.barbarasher.com) - well, she's got a few. Wishcraft might be a decent one to start with. It's free, and while a bit airy fairy at times, might help you to see things in a different light. I was first turned on to Sher when I was reading up on the problem of TMI (Too Many Interests).
http://knacks.esmartdesign.com/#The_Too_Many_Aptitude_Proble... was the first article I'd found, which seemed to describe me to a T. I've since self-diagnosed myself with that 'condition' and went looking for info which would help me learn more about that. There's no 'magic bullet cure', but that bit of self-knowledge has helped me avoid situations which I knew would make me miserable, and have slowly forged a better, more fulfilling life (though even now, I keep changing my goal posts).
The biggest thing I learned from that little journey is that there's nothing 'wrong' (in an absolute sense) with that condition - it's just different.
If you'd care to discuss any of this further, please ping me at any time at mgkimsal@gmail.com or 919-827-4724.