As I said, I think racism is real. Your story about the VIP party sounds like a clear cut example. Just hearing it makes me really angry - I hope if I had been your coworker, I would have told the PagerDuty people to shove their wrist bands somewhere unpleasant. Wouldn't want to go to a racist party anyway.
That said, for example I also struggle with connecting to coworkers. It is a constant worry for me, to somehow stay connected to the "loop". At that conference, maybe I would have been the last person who heard that there is a party (or maybe I wouldn't have heard at all).
No doubt that is nowhere near the issues people affected by racism face every day. Just an example that there are many things that can be attributed to racism, but maybe aren't. In my case, it is probably being introvert, interested in other things than other people, things like that. Or a feeling that stuck from childhood to not fit in, for various reasons.
I think there are also barriers that are difficult to overcome. For example as a dad, I think I simply don't connect to the other mothers in the same way as mothers talk among each other. I don't think they don't like me, but women among themselves will probably talk a little bit differently than with me present. Or they have it easier to also become friends with each other. It's just a little thing, but maybe over time it adds up - it's the tips and gossip you don't hear. Maybe there is a deadline to register your kid with a certain school, or an opportunity for some special event to participate in, that you miss out on - without any malice or bad intentions. Or even simpler, the lack of suitable playdates for your kid.
In the same vein, maybe if I had coworkers of a different race, it would be just a tiny little bit more difficult to connect. I wouldn't be sure if they are interested in the same things I am interested in, things like that. (Not sure if it would really be an issue, just a theory). So without bad intentions, they would be a bit less "in the loop".
That said, for example I also struggle with connecting to coworkers. It is a constant worry for me, to somehow stay connected to the "loop". At that conference, maybe I would have been the last person who heard that there is a party (or maybe I wouldn't have heard at all).
No doubt that is nowhere near the issues people affected by racism face every day. Just an example that there are many things that can be attributed to racism, but maybe aren't. In my case, it is probably being introvert, interested in other things than other people, things like that. Or a feeling that stuck from childhood to not fit in, for various reasons.
I think there are also barriers that are difficult to overcome. For example as a dad, I think I simply don't connect to the other mothers in the same way as mothers talk among each other. I don't think they don't like me, but women among themselves will probably talk a little bit differently than with me present. Or they have it easier to also become friends with each other. It's just a little thing, but maybe over time it adds up - it's the tips and gossip you don't hear. Maybe there is a deadline to register your kid with a certain school, or an opportunity for some special event to participate in, that you miss out on - without any malice or bad intentions. Or even simpler, the lack of suitable playdates for your kid.
In the same vein, maybe if I had coworkers of a different race, it would be just a tiny little bit more difficult to connect. I wouldn't be sure if they are interested in the same things I am interested in, things like that. (Not sure if it would really be an issue, just a theory). So without bad intentions, they would be a bit less "in the loop".