> But people attributing things to their race or sex that are not actually caused by their race or sex can also be quite tragic and self-defeating.
I was at AWS re:Invent last year and had heard that a PagerDuty was having a party, and that we (a customers of theirs) could stop by their booth and pick up a wristband for VIP access. I stood behind a couple of my coworkers, who walked up, got wristbands and left. When it was my turn, I asked, but was turned away saying they are only handing out a limited number of wristbands. I explained I was a customer, and she had just given two wrists bands just seconds earlier to my coworkers, but she was very adamant about not letting me have one.
I went to my room and angrily penned an email to our rep, asking why I wasn't given a band, when my two white coworkers were. Their response was that they only had a limited number of bands. The people working the booth were using their own judgement for who should get one and who shouldn't. At that moment, I wasn't Alan, director of engineer, an attendee of a poor public school system, the first in his family to graduate from high school (let along college). Instead I was just some brown guy who wasn't worth anything. In that moment, it made me remember my most painful memory of racism: when I was 14 years old, and having to comfort my mom as she cried because her boss denied her vacation time, then approved another of her coworkers vacation, despite my mother having more seniority, and having submitted her vacation first.
The point of my story: if you've never really been a victim of racism, it's probably hard to understand why those of us who have been living with constant racism, turn to it first as a reason for how we are treated.
You _assume_ that, at AWS re:Invent, you were a victim of racism, but you don't really _know_ that is so. Nonetheless your default stance was, and remains today, to _assume_ racism.
Also you speak of "constant racism". So, even when you're alone, do you feel the pressure of "constant racism"?
You cannot change the past and you cannot change how others act, but you can change how you think. Is it good for you to have a base assumption that you will be racially discriminated against? Are those the color of glasses that you want to wear in this modern world? What will it gain you?
There have been studies that show that it best to take the optimistic assumption: e.g., in this instance that they indeed were limiting the number of wristbands. Being a "realistic optimist" is a healthy frame of mind.
And really, if a denied wristband is the worst instance of perceived insult that you have experienced, count yourself lucky. I've been treated far, far worse at conferences, not because of racism, but because people can be jerks.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that most white people are afraid of being labeled a racist, especially white people selling something. Why don't you use that to your advantage? As director of engineering, I'm sure you can vote with your company's dollars. The beauty of capitalism is that the overtly racist company is only going to get money from overt racists. Companies that want to do well don't treat people like that. Not to diminish all the hurtful discrimination certain groups of people face, but I'm not sad that the New Black Panthers probably don't want me in their club, and neo-nazis for that matter, but I don't think those clubs should be outlawed. People like you and me just say fuck'em and find places that make us better people. Doesn't sound like PagerDuty is that place. Their loss.
As I said, I think racism is real. Your story about the VIP party sounds like a clear cut example. Just hearing it makes me really angry - I hope if I had been your coworker, I would have told the PagerDuty people to shove their wrist bands somewhere unpleasant. Wouldn't want to go to a racist party anyway.
That said, for example I also struggle with connecting to coworkers. It is a constant worry for me, to somehow stay connected to the "loop". At that conference, maybe I would have been the last person who heard that there is a party (or maybe I wouldn't have heard at all).
No doubt that is nowhere near the issues people affected by racism face every day. Just an example that there are many things that can be attributed to racism, but maybe aren't. In my case, it is probably being introvert, interested in other things than other people, things like that. Or a feeling that stuck from childhood to not fit in, for various reasons.
I think there are also barriers that are difficult to overcome. For example as a dad, I think I simply don't connect to the other mothers in the same way as mothers talk among each other. I don't think they don't like me, but women among themselves will probably talk a little bit differently than with me present. Or they have it easier to also become friends with each other. It's just a little thing, but maybe over time it adds up - it's the tips and gossip you don't hear. Maybe there is a deadline to register your kid with a certain school, or an opportunity for some special event to participate in, that you miss out on - without any malice or bad intentions. Or even simpler, the lack of suitable playdates for your kid.
In the same vein, maybe if I had coworkers of a different race, it would be just a tiny little bit more difficult to connect. I wouldn't be sure if they are interested in the same things I am interested in, things like that. (Not sure if it would really be an issue, just a theory). So without bad intentions, they would be a bit less "in the loop".
I was at AWS re:Invent last year and had heard that a PagerDuty was having a party, and that we (a customers of theirs) could stop by their booth and pick up a wristband for VIP access. I stood behind a couple of my coworkers, who walked up, got wristbands and left. When it was my turn, I asked, but was turned away saying they are only handing out a limited number of wristbands. I explained I was a customer, and she had just given two wrists bands just seconds earlier to my coworkers, but she was very adamant about not letting me have one.
I went to my room and angrily penned an email to our rep, asking why I wasn't given a band, when my two white coworkers were. Their response was that they only had a limited number of bands. The people working the booth were using their own judgement for who should get one and who shouldn't. At that moment, I wasn't Alan, director of engineer, an attendee of a poor public school system, the first in his family to graduate from high school (let along college). Instead I was just some brown guy who wasn't worth anything. In that moment, it made me remember my most painful memory of racism: when I was 14 years old, and having to comfort my mom as she cried because her boss denied her vacation time, then approved another of her coworkers vacation, despite my mother having more seniority, and having submitted her vacation first.
The point of my story: if you've never really been a victim of racism, it's probably hard to understand why those of us who have been living with constant racism, turn to it first as a reason for how we are treated.