When I was 15 I started having major mood shifts and quickly realized that I have a personality disorder (I'm manic and suffer from bouts of mania, thankfully hypomania). I've contemplated suicide before, while I never got into divying up percentages here are somethings I realized:
- It's ultimately illogical and selfish. I got into computers because I loved solving problems and I had a problem. The problem was that I couldn't solve my problem...at least not on my own, and not yet on my own.
- I've had no less than three panic episodes and emotional breakdowns where I would weep uncontrollably for hours. This is typically the culmination of an intense sadness, loneliness, and apathy.
I'm 34 years old and am still battling manic-depressiveness. Still waking up feeling like I got punched in the face, there are days I write shoddy code, and there are days where I do get feelings of suicide. But the reason why I never acted upon it is because there's always the light at the end of the tunnel...the issue isn't if there is a light, the question is when will the light come about. And yes, it does show...for me, it took a while but it came and it came beautifully.
For starters, I targeted behavior that I knew was self-destructive. I began practicing religion again (or whatever you're into), I began practicing martial arts - going to the gym was, like you said, a distraction. Martial arts is a community workout, everyone participates and you can't help but build friends. Since I'm a practicing Christian, I found a church and began meeting people there. In short, I looked at self-destructive tendencies and reversed it. Because of my introversion, I simply created borders and notified people that, sometimes, I like to be alone. However, I made sure to be around non-technology people (which gets me out of thinking about work) and I like to find people who are eccentric and outgoing (extroverts, especially).
Even small changes that I've implemented in my life have made huge impacts. I forced myself to be less shy, I would gladly pay for a friend's dinner if it meant not eating alone, and I got better at planning outings because I know that it's easy to slip into apathy and depression. So I surround myself with people, build trust, and create lasting friendships.
You honestly can't quit your job just now. First you need to build a support system before you do that. Believe me, there's hope, there's always hope.
- It's ultimately illogical and selfish. I got into computers because I loved solving problems and I had a problem. The problem was that I couldn't solve my problem...at least not on my own, and not yet on my own.
- I've had no less than three panic episodes and emotional breakdowns where I would weep uncontrollably for hours. This is typically the culmination of an intense sadness, loneliness, and apathy.
I'm 34 years old and am still battling manic-depressiveness. Still waking up feeling like I got punched in the face, there are days I write shoddy code, and there are days where I do get feelings of suicide. But the reason why I never acted upon it is because there's always the light at the end of the tunnel...the issue isn't if there is a light, the question is when will the light come about. And yes, it does show...for me, it took a while but it came and it came beautifully.
For starters, I targeted behavior that I knew was self-destructive. I began practicing religion again (or whatever you're into), I began practicing martial arts - going to the gym was, like you said, a distraction. Martial arts is a community workout, everyone participates and you can't help but build friends. Since I'm a practicing Christian, I found a church and began meeting people there. In short, I looked at self-destructive tendencies and reversed it. Because of my introversion, I simply created borders and notified people that, sometimes, I like to be alone. However, I made sure to be around non-technology people (which gets me out of thinking about work) and I like to find people who are eccentric and outgoing (extroverts, especially).
Even small changes that I've implemented in my life have made huge impacts. I forced myself to be less shy, I would gladly pay for a friend's dinner if it meant not eating alone, and I got better at planning outings because I know that it's easy to slip into apathy and depression. So I surround myself with people, build trust, and create lasting friendships.
You honestly can't quit your job just now. First you need to build a support system before you do that. Believe me, there's hope, there's always hope.