"THIS IS GREAT NEWS FOR BITCOIN!!"

- Price stays flat: "Obviously, market cap is too low to support a legitimate currency."

- Price goes up: "Obviously, it can't work because it's a deflationary currency."

- Price goes down: "Obviously it a bubble that's popping."

  switch(news) {
    case 'price goes up':
      theskyisfalling();
    case 'price goes down':
      thegroundisrising();
    case 'price stays the same':
      quicklookoverthere();
    default:
      celebrate();
  }