Reading through many of the responses, they're almost all phrased in terms of "X does Y better than Z" comparisons, directly ignoring your amusing and insightful comment.

At this point, the only thing that could save ordinary users from the melee of competing Open Source configuration management frameworks is an illustration by Randall Munroe.

(My hacker senses are tingling. If you listen very carefully, you can just barely hear a new eponymous law being born.)