Surely there are options at that point? Like go to the USA consulate during business hours, show a driver's license, and pay a fine? Or even call a family member and ask her to bring your passport (she should bring her own as well)?

You can just show up at the border with your license / ID. If you have a passport they can look it up in the system. No fine, maybe a little lecture. Happens 100s of times a day as lots of people are still not aware that you need a passport for re-entry (used to be just a DL until a few years ago).

Get a passport card and stick it in your wallet, next to your drivers license.

http://travel.state.gov/passport/ppt_card/ppt_card_3926.html

What's the point of this comment? You aren't stuck. There is a multitude of options.