Oof. I'm seeing lots of issues packed into this. You need good counseling. Not marriage counseling (that's a scam in most cases), but individual counseling. Even just a bro to talk to while you turn wrenches or heft iron. Just find a guy who is older than you, married, and well adjusted and talk to him. I can make some recommendations on where to find men like this, if you would like.
A chapter of ARM is a really good bet. All you have to do is check their website and show up to a public event and introduce yourself. Lend a hand with setup and teardown.
A church might be a bit of a reach. A man of God (not a pastor, unless he is ex military/cop/etc or was in the trades) might be able to advise you, but if you aren't Christian I don't think it'll be super helpful.
