^ this. Also, don't allow yourself to be put off by the idea that you don't know what to say or whatever. Just go. If you think it's hard for you it's doubly hard for the person who is dying and noone is visiting them because they don't know what to say.
My cousin was in hospital dying of cancer. I spoke to my mum and she said she wasn't sure what to say etc, so she ended up not going. I went. I said to him "hey this situation really sucks". We had a great conversation. He died. I'm really glad I went.
Fast forward a few years and my uncle (his dad) was in hospital dying of cancer. I spoke to my mum and she said she wasn't sure what to say etc. I said "you remember what happened last time. Just go." She went[1]. It was a good way to bring finality and say goodbye to her brother and she was really glad she went.
[1] I also went separately but that's slightly beside the point
I so heartily agree - when my brother was dying I was at a loss to know what to say - we didn't share a lot of history as he 'joined' the family later in life - but just chatting rubbish helped him hugely.
Later a friend was dying and when she could no longer talk, I'd head out for a walk and just describe what I could see, what my plans were, and great things I remembered from our past - I wasn't able to visit, but her parents said she really enjoyed the voice notes she got - almost as much as the visitors.
But if you can see people, just do it. Not long ago my mum decided to try and visit a whole heap of friends across England, just as she realised after my dad died, that she never knew the last time she'd see these people - and wanted it to be occasions they both enjoyed, before too much time had passed. I loved the idea.
This is something the Lutherans seem to have figured out, and shows up in the culture of Lutheran heavy areas like northern midwestern towns: you don’t even have to talk, and you definitely don’t have to talk about the death, or invite the believed to do so.
Just show up. Help out if you can (bring food).
If they want to talk they’ll talk. If they don’t they still had the option.
I watched Lars and the Real Girl with some people who grew up on the west coast. There’s a scene after a funeral where these two little old ladies come over, bring food, and just knit and occupy space, so he’s not alone. I said that’s the most midwestern thing I’ve ever seen in a Hollywood movie. And it still pretty much is.
Yea I think it’s a very Christian thing actually, visiting the sick is one of the works of mercy and all Christians are called to perform them regularly.
I’m a Catholic and admittingly I fall short of it, perhaps I should take a page from our Lutheran brothers.. Thanks for sharing!
You don't need to say anything. Be present: listen; be curious and caring and compassionate and infinitely patient. Watch TV together; listen to music.
This is one of my biggest takeaways from reading Frank Ostaseski's book "The Five Invitations". He runs a hospice center and has lots of experience helping the dying and those around them. He talks about how being present is often what is most needed.
He also has a great talk with Sam Harris that's worth a listen.
Please don't cross into personal attack like this. These are sensitive, emotional topics. I'm sure you have good reason to feel the way you do, but so do the others, and blasting someone else for posting from a different point of view (let alone blasting their mother) is not ok here.
Edit: we've had to ask you this before - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=41803731. If you can't or don't want to respect the site guidelines, we're going to have to ban you, but I'd rather not do that, so it would be better if you'd please recalibrate.
You have zero context other than what they said. What about withholding judgement about things you know nothing about before saying people are bad? The full story is likely much more complex.
Yes. To start with my mum lives on her own since my dad died not long before this, has macular degeneration so is going blind, and seeing her brother required a trip of 8 hours or do each way. Not a trivial undertaking.
She also wasn’t seriously thinking about not going, just needed a bit of extra encouragement.
She had the same reaction to two different people dying. So either she has a complicated relationship with both the cousin and brother or she’s the problem.
I put my money on the mother because people do weak stuff like that all the time. Can’t get over a little awkwardness to do the right thing because people aren’t self aware and fragile.
I'm not taking the perspective of anyone here because there's hardly any information for me to do that. You're the one that has constructed this whole scenario in your mind based off very little from OP's post.
"Get over it" is rarely helpful in these types of situations because it ignores a lot of what we know about human psychology and how people make decisions. It's like telling someone who's depressed to "get over it"; it's not likely to help and often makes things worse.
My cousin was in hospital dying of cancer. I spoke to my mum and she said she wasn't sure what to say etc, so she ended up not going. I went. I said to him "hey this situation really sucks". We had a great conversation. He died. I'm really glad I went.
Fast forward a few years and my uncle (his dad) was in hospital dying of cancer. I spoke to my mum and she said she wasn't sure what to say etc. I said "you remember what happened last time. Just go." She went[1]. It was a good way to bring finality and say goodbye to her brother and she was really glad she went.
[1] I also went separately but that's slightly beside the point