While not false, careful defensive driving makes a big difference. But most people hate someone cutting in front of them and so won't maintain large follow ng distances

And maintaining that proper distance can be worse!

I try, and often succeed and generally see risks all around.

Too close, and often with few or no escape paths means maintaining best case attention and response times for the whole drive. That is tiring and usually just not enough.

Too far back means people dropping into the gap non-stop! This too is tiring.

I really hate how this aspect of driving.

I have learned to ignore those driving into the gap. In fact one reason for the gap is to leave room for those who need to switch lanes.

in reality not many jump into the gap.

True.

I do hate it less these days. Perhaps I am headed your way on this.

I'm not in that much of a hurry, a couple minutes later won't make a difference. I have a friend though, twice in the last year she was rear ended sitting at a red light. Both time the car was totaled. Terrible luck on her part, but not much defensive driving could do for her.