Hey this might be kind of a weird thing to say but screw it. I’ve been suicidal recently and seriously considered ending my life. One reason I have decided to hold on and get help is inspiring stories like your own. I look at how much dignity, energy, and love you have espoused even while having a terminal illness and I feel ashamed. Some people out there have been given so little and done amazing things with it, and I’ve been given so much and done nothing. In this strange way I feel like I owe you something even though you’re a stranger on the Internet. I want to be someone like you who is strong. Just wanted to let you know that.
With love, please consider - the "shame" you're describing is really something else in a mask.
Perhaps... a longing? Maybe this stranger has helped you find the place where you do truly long for life.
Let the feeling be. Don't label it shame. Don't label it longing. Just let it be. Give it space. Cry if you feel like it. Laugh if you feel like it. Just feel it.
And when you're ready to speak about this with others, there will be many, many willing to be there for you. You are loved.
Another perspective: shame can be good. Feel it. Shame for who you are can light a fire in you, can propel you into transformation. Shame for one's past self is normal, if one has undergone any growth, and in time one may forgive himself. But not now, not when you know yourself and you see all the ways you are lacking. Not when you are so wholly disappointed in your life that you want to end it. _Longing_ for a different life will not result in change. Shame, and deeply ruminating on it can. In time you will transform and can forgive the past self you are ashamed of, but not now in your time of desperate need.
I think it’s worth drawing a distinction between guilt, which can be positive, and shame, almost never. Guilt is feeling badly because you know you’ve done wrong. Shame is feeling badly because other people know you’ve done wrong.
I still feel shame can be noble. To try to live up to the example of others and feel ashamed that you are not anywhere near their greatness. Not guilty, because you have not done wrong, but shame, because you are not enough compared to another.
Please don't be ashamed for your thoughts, nor feelings.
Each of us have struggles of our own and we cannot compare our paths or strength with others.
Just because some people cope differently, doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you or the way you process pain. Each of us is unique, with our own backstory.
I have recently also struggled with the decision whether to end my life. I was afraid to seek help and to talk to a professional.
If you ever feel like you need someone to listen or just talk to, please reach out at Twitter or at <username>@gmail.com
I've been reading Five Chimneys by Olga Lengyel, a Holocaust survivor who went through the most terrible of ordeals. She became suicidal and a Frenchman who got her involved in the camp resistance told her that if there were just one reason not to do it, it was so she could do little things to make the lives of people around her better. She took this to heart and it pushed her through to eventual liberation and living till her 90s. I appreciate words are cheap, but I found this inspiring and a good way to think about life when all else seems lost.
It takes a lot of courage to write what you've put into words out in the world, even if anonymously. You have value and it is possible to find the help, support and love you need. You can do it; you are strong enough. Please reach out: https://988lifeline.org/
