Apologies, that's not what I intended to say, and not what I said to her either.
It's unfortunately true that my behaviour (and the behaviour of many autistic people) can be easily characterised as being an asshole, and vague rules do not help us function.
The condition is very much characterised by being unable to understand social cues.
I really was trying only to be helpful and got quite hurt in the interaction.
Dijjt, I do have some empathy for you. I'm on the spectrum but only mildly.
You're right that social cues are complex and inconsistent.
But it's not helpful to the autistic community to suggest that they are unable to learn how not to be an asshole - in online, or irl communities. I know many that started with struggles, but learned how to handle it.
The trick was wanting to try. To decide that the empty annoying irritating things that allstics do are not malicious either. And that social interaction is like the rules of a very complex game.
It takes time, it takes effort, it takes humility.
I don't know you so I would never presume what your situation is. But I know of several people in my life who are on the spectrum that I got close to before I realized that they genuinely have no interest in self improvement, and they use their autistic diagnostic as a cover to see themselves as above petty human social squabbles, and that their assholishness is a mark of pride that they use to refuse to better themselves. I hope that's not where you are at.
The fundamental issue is that Autism itself is at least partially characterised by being unable to read social cues, this is harder in text form.
Its very easy to say something in perhaps not the best way. To welcome autists you have to do what the hackernews guidelines do: State that “Please respond to the strongest plausible interpretation of what someone says, not a weaker one that's easier to criticize. Assume good faith.”
This is not essential to operating your site, but if you are trying to be inclusive to neurodivergency then its extremely helpful to them to have a guideline like this which allows them to feel a bit at ease.
A rule like “don’t be an asshole” requires a emotional intelligence that may be lacking, it will feel like a guillotine around the neck waiting to strike if you comment something which is interpreted in way other than it was intended.
A fantastic example of this, ironically, is this thread and the original thread with Kris. Mal-intent was assumed but was not intended; people in this thread have genuinely called me an asshole- with no sense of irony.
It's unfortunately true that my behaviour (and the behaviour of many autistic people) can be easily characterised as being an asshole, and vague rules do not help us function.
The condition is very much characterised by being unable to understand social cues.
I really was trying only to be helpful and got quite hurt in the interaction.