And that's a shame. I truly think that there's someone like that out there for everyone. I also think it's sad when someone doesn't find that person. I wish that fortune for everyone.
And you know -- maybe some people just aren't programmed like that. I happen to be. Maybe some people _do_ get more out of friendships than they would out of a relationship. Really very different strokes, you know? Wild.
> And that's a shame. I truly think that there's someone like that out there for everyone. I also think it's sad when someone doesn't find that person. I wish that fortune for everyone.
Centering marriage and romantic relationships means that most people only consider romantic partners as their 'person'. My person is my baby sister. We live together, have co-mingled finances, make long-term plans (including possibly fostering or adopting children), etc. If we were more open to different relationship priorities, more people would find their 'person'. The focus on romantic sexual relationships above all else keeps people from finding their person because they don't consider all the possibilities!
I also think the focus on romantic sexual relationships as the only viable path to support and love creates a lot of neuroses that ironically make partnering harder. People are obsessed with their looks, get jealous over their romantic partners' attention, etc. In the lesbian and gay community, it's also common to either deal with abusive relationships or commit too early because unless you're in a large city, this might be your only chance at partnering and if partnering is your only chance to be loved or supported, you just put up with it. (Bisexuals usually just date the opposite sex).
There are certainly benefits to having your 'person' be your sexual partner: Sex helps with intimacy and hopefully creates a part of your life where you associate each other with pleasure. If you're of opposite sexes, you can have children that reflect both of you which makes parenting easier. It can also compensate for weaknesses in one's family or community of origin: somebody leaving a cult can find love.
But there are benefits to other types of primary relationships as well. For me and my sister, for example:
- No worries about the bedroom. We don't have to worry about staying sexy enough, our partners losing attraction to us, etc. Sex drives change over time and are finicky and hard to control.
- We've literally known each other our entire lives. You can find this in a romantic partner but most people aren't marrying people they've known since they were four years old.
- Related to the above, we come from the same environment and have a lot of the same touchstones which makes communication way easier. Instead of having to explain my entire childhood history and why I would be reacting a certain way to something, I can just say, "You're being like Mom. :( " and it's automatically understood.
- Sibling bonds aren't dissolvable and are relationships of equals. You can hate your sibling, but you're always siblings. Marriages and romantic partnerships end. Parental bonds have power dynamics encoded in them.
- Practically, us living together and pooling resources allows for maximization of inter-generational wealth building. Whatever our parents have - if anything - when they pass won't be split.
I agree with your take here. I have a partner that anyone in this thread would label as a #1 but my two siblings are essentially on the same plane of intimacy. If my partner left my life for whatever reason, I'd still have my siblings and while losing someone is hard it wouldn't destroy me because of that support. Its a fairly normal dynamic in my family. I had two uncles who lived together their whole lives, even through relationships that didn't end up working out even though they had children. My grandmother lived in the same apartment building as her brother for 30 years and her other two siblings lived in the same neighborhood. Her husband (my grandfather) died a few years into their marriage and her siblings (who never got married) always fulfilled the role that a partner would play.
I don't think the numbers are balanced. For any person A there may exist a great match B, but also there may be many other A' for which the same B is a great match, but perhaps not as many other alternative B'. Even if the numbers were balanced, finding each other is a major hurdle if you're not a mainstream type. In addition, people change over time, which can affect how good of a match two people remain. So most people compromise in one way or the other, and some for which the compromise would be too big stay single.
