When you say "this is what guys care about", I think you're talking about a specific and very surface-level kind of person who wants a superficially compatible woman. A lot of this advice, though refreshingly frank, is not advice that I think is likely to get the OP what she wants if she wants a deep relationship.
There's a lot of blanket statements here. Maybe the kind of guys you spend time with don't care about meaningful work or people being kind or mature, but frankly, those are all things I and most of my friends care about more than looks. Not that I've never been superficial - far from it - but I care very much about deeper things and I couldn't have a healthy marriage without them.
Also, the statement about "beautiful" not being a real compliment is just totally false. Being "beautiful" and being "sexy" or "hot" are not always the same thing but who would lie to a friend about either?
> You obviously need to stop all that, because it isn't working. Also, it probably makes you look nuts.
I also want to challenge this sentiment. If you think someone "looks nuts" because they are doing things to try to improve themselves, that reflects more poorly on you than it does on them. There is nothing wrong whatsoever with trying therapy or alternative methodologies for self-exploration.
I do generally agree that if something isn't working, throwing more effort at it without change probably isn't a good idea. I just don't think the solutions you're advocating for will work.
>When you say "this is what guys care about", I think you're talking about a specific and very surface-level kind of person who wants a superficially compatible woma
No, it's not specific; it's very wide and applicable to a large majority of guys. Also, there is no such thing as "superficially compatible"; either you are compatible and can develop the relationship into more, or you are not compatible and are only pretending you actually like to be around eachother. OP has been obsessing over the elements that are superficial, and she has been entirely ignorant of components that are important for compatibility with men.
>There's a lot of blanket statements here.
Yes. Correct. That is how you successfully date. It is a numbers game. It is not about finding the .000000000143% of the population that is your "The One", it's about finding the 1% of the population that you could be happily ever after with, and making sure you are also attractive to them.
>Maybe the kind of guys you spend time with don't care about meaningful work or
No. Guys don't care about that, period. It is a sexed trait. Women find high value in men's work. Men do not.
>Also, the statement about "beautiful" not being a real compliment is just totally false. Being "beautiful" and being "sexy" or "hot" are not always the same thing
Obviously they are not the same thing. Dogs and manicured lawns are beautiful. They are never hot. Beautiful exists to mean "something I like looking at but not because it's sexually attractive".
>but who would lie to a friend about either?
A crapload of people. It's a classic puffery compliment, because it's 100% subjective and 0% able to be discredited.
>I also want to challenge this sentiment. If you think someone "looks nuts" because
You can challenge it all you want.
Women who think self help books and tarot cards will land them a man is a huge red flag to a vast majority of men. It is evidence that they are not "emotionally mature", as they claim to be, because these things are not difficult for an emotionally mature woman to learn and understand. Men are not that complicated.
>There is nothing wrong whatsoever with trying therapy or alternative methodologies for self-exploration.
If by "for self-exploration" you mean "for a laugh", sure. If you actually go home at the end of the day and say "why aren't I married, I read XYZ and saw ABC therapist", yes, that is a large indication you have a potentially damaging social malfunction.
> No. Guys don't care about that, period. It is a sexed trait. Women find high value in men's work. Men do not.
Then how come I'm a guy and I love the fact that my wife has an advanced degree and an important career?
Your thinking is in binaries and generalizations. OP is looking for something specific and cast in shades of gray. I don't think your advice will help her.
I agree that it's a numbers game, but I think that applying the logic you suggest will put OP in the wrong group, and she won't find what she says she wants.
You seem to be entirely mixing up the two extremely distinct concepts of "what she wants" — something I have not addressed or touched on at all — with "what men she can be happy with want".
Those are different things. The advice I gave cannot stop, or help, her FIND who she wants. It can only help, or hinder, being attractive to who she wants.
The goal of said advice, is that AFTER she finds the person she likes, she will be more attractive to him, he will be more interested in a long term relationship with her, and he will call her instead of ghosting her, which is her current reality.
Your claim is "your generalized advice is bad because I claim it doesn't include me":
1) Irrelevant, unless you're claiming you represent >51% of the population of men. If my generalized advice applies to the majority, she would be better suited following it.
2) You're in public. Which is exactly where a man who doesn't care at all about his wife's career would superficially assert that he does in fact care about his wife's career.
> If my generalized advice applies to the majority, she would be better suited following it.
Sure, if she wants to find anyone at all. If the goal is finding somebody who'll actually meet her expectations and/or make her happy, the advice isn't going to help her. There is enough variation in the human species that what OP is looking for is findable. You're not seeing it because you are so focused on making everybody fit a preconceived mold. Your generalized advice is bad because it's answering a question adjacent to but not the one that was asked, and also answering that question inaccurately.
Anyway, since we've reached the point where you suggest I must be lying or putting up a superficial front because your incorrect generalizations don't apply to me, I'm through discussing this with you. I don't think there is any point talking it out if the first thing you do upon hearing something you thought was true isn't is to assume bad faith.
There's a lot of blanket statements here. Maybe the kind of guys you spend time with don't care about meaningful work or people being kind or mature, but frankly, those are all things I and most of my friends care about more than looks. Not that I've never been superficial - far from it - but I care very much about deeper things and I couldn't have a healthy marriage without them.
Also, the statement about "beautiful" not being a real compliment is just totally false. Being "beautiful" and being "sexy" or "hot" are not always the same thing but who would lie to a friend about either?
> You obviously need to stop all that, because it isn't working. Also, it probably makes you look nuts.
I also want to challenge this sentiment. If you think someone "looks nuts" because they are doing things to try to improve themselves, that reflects more poorly on you than it does on them. There is nothing wrong whatsoever with trying therapy or alternative methodologies for self-exploration.
I do generally agree that if something isn't working, throwing more effort at it without change probably isn't a good idea. I just don't think the solutions you're advocating for will work.