I realise your post is in jest, but I've found that responsive slack (due to a similar machine upgrade) has actually had a noticeably positive effect on my productivity. Checking a slack notification is now a ~2-5 second task, quick enough that I can switch back to my task with losing context. It used to be more like 10-20 seconds if my machine was under load which was highly disruptive.
Slack is all the bad organizational behavioral issues of email, except harder to filter with rules & with more sender-side options for creating noise for the recipient.
It's lovely to send a slack and get quick response.
It's a huge productivity killer to get dozens/100s of half-thoughts ad-hoc sent over IMs to individuals and blasted to groups.
Is there a massive production outage? (I care about)
Did someone just share a funny GIF? Is Bob helping Jim debug a firewall issue for a client? (none of which I care about)
I got that stupid red dot, hard to tell without checking.
When they broke Slack the other I actually celebrated for the couple of hours and got some work done for a change. No joke but it's the single most productivity destroying tool I have ever used.
When I had to use Teams it gave me a good excuse to opt out of bullshit meetings. It used to be that I can leave the BS meeting in the background and get some work done, but with Teams running I couldn't even use my IDE without seconds worth of keyboard latency, so now they had to explicitly choose whether to let me go or have me stay and get nothing done.
