Somehow I enjoy HN the most as threads such as this develop and lots of people express their struggles, doubts and their vulnerabilities. This is brave, and appreciated.
I put this as a sub-sub-reply in a different chain, but this 100%. I know for me, when our couples therapist talked to me about codependency it felt like a full on attack. "How dare he suggest that I'M the one with a problem?? SHE'S the one that has to change!!" That sort of thing.
It was very hard to overcome the defensiveness but remains the best thing I've ever done for my own mental wellbeing. It's important not to hear the word "codependent" as an attack.
The book "Codependent No More" was a lifechanger for me. I highly recommend it to anyone struggling in a situation like this.
I just want to add this to thread : https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency
I am surprised it hasn't come up yet.