This sounds frustrating, but I'm a bit concerned how hostile you seem towards a foster child.
I think you're going to need to enlist the help of some psychiatrists, councillors, doctors, etc. that particularly specialize in childhood development. I think trying to get a kid with severe ADHD to "shut the hell up" is not the right approach and could have some very negative consequences in terms of their development and could even backfire in terms of acquiring the social skills you wish for them to have.
Yes they are prescribed medicine and have weekly counseling from a counselor. We limit the medication for school and special events as it’s not perfect, has side effects, and they can become tolerant. The counseling is for prior trauma from neglect not for ADHD.
Hey, that sounds rough, very rough. It's not his fault. It's not your fault either.
Speaking from experience myself, it's not that he purposely wants to speak its just that he can't not talk. Like people in a wheelchair would like to stand and walk but can't, or only very short distances.
I can recommend to great resources. One is a YouTube series by Russel Barkley [1]
The other are the books and podcast by Dr Hallowell [2]
Reading Superparenting for ADHD by Hallowell when trying to understand my son was the first clue that I also might have ADHD. Highly recommend this book or audiobook.
I never stated my reaction. People are clearly hyper sensitive about a phrase I used. Yes, as a well intended parent, I am looking for guidance to improve a child.
One thing you could try if you haven't yet is share your issue with your son and try negotiating a set of rules that could be okay for both of you.
There are two prerequisites. First, you did not mention how old he is but I can only hope he is older than six-seven years. A younger child has close to no chance understanding that you might see the world differently than him.
After five years, children's cognitive capabilities typically reach a maturity level that allows them to understand false beliefs, aka the concept that person X could experience the world differently than person Y (if you are interested in developmental psychology, look for the "sally-anne test"). Without this cognitive capability, your only option is to be patient, give him as much love as you can, and take time for you when you feel you are becoming overwhelmed.
The second prerequisite is to "reach" your son at a moment he can mentally ingest this information and is not solely focused on satisfying his needs. Typically, you should not try entering this negotiation during or right after a "talkative episode." Something in the likes of: "Daddy needs to have a conversation with you, but you will need to sit a listen to what I say for some time. I understand you have many questions to ask so I will let you tell me when it is a good time to have this discussion."
When you have this discussion, I would recommend using a negotiated problem solving scheme:
1. "I would like to share something I feel about us, are you okay with that?"
2. "When you do X, I feel Y and Z. It is doing that and this, and it is very difficult for me. Sometimes this makes me do X and Y, and I don't like to do this and I am also quite sure you don't like when I do that. Do you agree? Do you feel these moments?"
3. "I would like us to find a set of rules we can follow to avoid overwhelming each other. I don't want you to stop asking me questions at all, this is not what I am asking. I love you very much and sometimes I am worried that when I am tired or stressed I could not give you all my attention. Do you have any ideas how we could do that together?"
4. "How should I let you know I need some recharge myself?"
5. "How should you let me know you feel the need to share things with me?"
etc.
Of course, chances that this will work the first time are close to zero, so adapt your hopes. You are the adult, the responsibility falls upon you to find the patience and dedication to bring you both to a better place. Also, aim low during your negotiation: remember that your objective is to make things better, not perfect, and advancing one step is always better than nothing.
Like someone recommended above, your son might need professional help but don't underestimate the fact that you need help, too and probably more than he needs help. A child usually needs parents to show him/her unconditional love and to show up, not much more. It is very likely that you are being challenged to find resources deep in yourself that you may not know how to reach. If you are not feeling actively supported by your closer ones (e.g. spouse, friends), I would advise seeking support from a professional or a local support group. You need to be at your 100% when you are with your son and it is your responsibility to take the necessary steps to achieve this state of mind.
Anyway, I root for you and the simple fact that you shared your experience already shows you are doing the extra mile to find answers. I am convinced you will find them, good luck :)
Yes, they are years older than 7. No, self awareness has not kicked in yet. Their maturity is years behind, which could be due to the neglect from the prior living situation.
I need to focus more on the guidance you suggest. We do try these communication tools but it’s completely hit or miss if any of it sinks in even with repetition.
Coping with a hyperactive child can be tough, but foremost you need to do your best to understand them and meet their needs. And “shutting them the hell up” is working against that. Truly, the best route here is probably to find another caretaker who is willing to take the time to help this child…
Anecdotally, I had similar troubles as a kid and after a battery of evaluations they found I had slightly diminished verbal language processing (despite passing common tonal audio tests just fine). Understanding this equipped the adults in my life to better accommodate my needs, and in turn, I’m sure, mitigate the hassle I made for them.
> And “shutting them the hell up” is working against that.
It’s fewer words than saying helping to foster increased listening and learning capabilities, but is effectively the same thing. As a parent you want to have deeper and meaningful conversations that allow for instruction, guidance, and mentoring. These things cannot happen if there is a clinical mental illness in the way.
I read that and gave you the benefit of the doubt that brevity was your intent more than expressing frustration:) I can imagine how difficult it must be to want to help someone who can’t help themselves but has nobody else…
While I have many ideas about how we got through my childhood, I think any meaningful plan will have to suit your kid so general suggestions are probably hit or miss at best. This is why I suggested a caretaker but I guess I really meant “a specialist”.
I’ll just say this, to offer some insight… ADHD is not just losing track of the external world- it is a loss of your own internal world. It’s like someone is always tugging your instruction pointer away from your stack. This is suffering.
> As a parent you want to have deeper and meaningful conversations that allow for instruction, guidance, and mentoring. These things cannot happen if there is a clinical mental illness in the way.
If we are talking about ADHD, this is bullshit.
As someone that wasn’t medicated as a kid and had a lot of meaningful conversations, had mentors, learnt, went to college, built a career, screw your attitude.
If we are talking of that extreme of a case, that’s why medication is there.
But back to the original part, to me it just sounds like you also need to learn how to work with them.
If he isn't on medication, it is something that would calm him down. I know as an adult with ADHD I can be very intense sometimes, agitated and impatient. However I also have my own strategies to manage this, for example exercising each morning has a big impact. If he hasn't seen a doctor about this, get him there.
I am concerned about reliance on medication. They are prescribed medication but medication has side effects and they can become tolerant. I don’t want them to become reliant on medication especially if doing so could cause to miss out on important moments.
How much continuous listening in hours of time? That is a serious question. This is not a conversation with back and forth. It is a continuous unending stream of vocals. At what point should the child be expected to listen?
One branch of my inlaws talk to each other in continuous stream of consciousness literally all day long and they are perfectly happy. I’d want to jump off a bridge after a day or so of having to listen to that. But that’s on me…
As someone who was on the other side of that growing up, the worst thing you can do is see them as you seem to. I promise they don't mean to do this. They're a child. They are literally doing the best their knowledge and experience has prepared them to do with something their brain is doing to them that they don't understand and didn't ask for, and having adults take the frustration out on them will only make it worse. You might think you don't let it come through in your interactions, but I guarantee they'll pick up on it if you don't change your attitude.
I don't mean to ask the obvious question, but have you taken them to the doctor? It's very well possible that they literally can't "shut the hell up". You are frustrated, but they need your empathy.
If you have not taken them to a doctor (psychiatrist more specifically) please seriously consider doing so. My 14 year old adopted brother is going through similar issues and is embarrassed and afraid to take the steps he needs to take. I have to explain to him that if I could have this helped when I was 14 instead of 34...I sure as hell would have.
Yes they are prescribed medicine and have weekly counseling from a counselor. We limit the medication for school and special events as it’s not perfect, has side effects, and they can become tolerant. The counseling is for prior trauma from neglect not for ADHD.
It seems your concern, while well intended, is about the missing sensitivity and bluntness of a phrase.
