It's like a brain dump from my head. I can 100% identify with everything this guy says. I've been fighting this since I can remember, certainly over 20 years. I thought I was the only one who never looked at grades/feedback/whatever.
I'd probably be a CTO or a successful startup founder by now if I'd had a solution early in life. As it is I've done OK but it's always a struggle because work by its very nature is doing something you don't want to do because they're paying you... and doing something I don't want to do is very VERY hard. Almost impossible at times.
If you're a teenager or in your 20s, try and get some help now so you don't toil in futility for the next 20 years. Trust me.
> ...work by its very nature is doing something you don't want to do because they're paying you...
I emphasize with this, and work certainly has this aspect, but I think there's a better way to think about it: the nature of work is doing something valuable to somebody else for money. You don't get money for doing something you dislike and, crucially, people will still pay you to do useful things even if you enjoy them!
The practical upside is that it is possible to find work you enjoy. There is nothing wrong with prioritizing this as much as you are able, and you shouldn't feel guilty once you do find work you enjoy. It's easy to internalize a Puritan "work as penance" point of view living in the US, but I think it's not a useful (or accurate) way to think about it.
Of course, none of this changes your conclusion—if you feel this way, you should get some help. And, hell, even if you don't feel these things, chatting with a therapist will probably have a healthy effect on your life.
You're right, it's just that the things I enjoy doing (and do well) aren't valuable to anyone else... golf doesn't pay if you're in the top 1%, you have to be in the top .001% :)
With the skills I have that do pay well, I'm not sure what role I'd enjoy. I always thought being a physical penetration tester would be amazing fun, but those roles usually go to ex military types, not random joes like me with no formal background. I like designing systems, but architects aren't really a "thing" anymore. Writing code all day long is drudgery now.
I certainly should get some help, I'm 99% certain I have unofficially diagnosed ADHD. It just seems like a lot of work figuring out what to do, and then I get distracted by something else I'm doing... heh.
There's a good chance that whatever that is work you will stop enjoying even if you liked doing it before. Look at the large amount of people that play video games for a living that essentially stopped enjoying those games.
> it's always a struggle because work by its very nature is doing something you don't want to do because they're paying you... and doing something I don't want to do is very VERY hard. Almost impossible at times.
I'm pretty successful by most people's (external) measures. But every single day is a miserable fight against my own brain. Some coping mechanisms are really harmful.
> If you're a teenager or in your 20s, try and get some help now so you don't toil in futility for the next 20 years. Trust me.
I'd probably be a CTO or a successful startup founder by now if I'd had a solution early in life. As it is I've done OK but it's always a struggle because work by its very nature is doing something you don't want to do because they're paying you... and doing something I don't want to do is very VERY hard. Almost impossible at times.
If you're a teenager or in your 20s, try and get some help now so you don't toil in futility for the next 20 years. Trust me.