We use Git because GitHub happened to be the first non-shitty code repository website.

I'm talking about internal repos.

I know people like to complain about git's interface, but is it so lacking to the point that it justifies the time spent on learning multiple version control systems?

Yes.

Go easy on yourself and stop forcing yourself to use the CLI tools if you dislike them so much. For every editor and IDE under the sun, there exists extensions for these version control systems that provide you with a nicer interface than the CLI interface of any VCS.

For years probably 99% of my interactions with git, or any other VCS, is through editor extensions like magit or fugitive.

How do you work on more than one thing at once with svn without manually managing patch files?

Branches.

Branches in SVN are such a pain! If I recall correctly, creating a branch in SVN consists of making a full copy of everything (remotely, usually). In Git, creating a new branch consists of creating a new pointer to an existing commit.

Yes, branches look like full copies, but they are sparse copies. So only any changed data on the branch gets actually stored in the repository.

That's basically all it is in SVN as well...

And of course it's remote, every action in SVN is remote since it's centralized (except for shelving).