Being a new dad, this is something I've begun thinking a lot about. Reading about CBT (Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy) has shed some light on this issue for me. I think the core problem is when a child is taught that their value to the family and to society is based on extrinsic rather than intrinsic factors.
If you are made to believe that you are valuable as a human because you are x, y, or z subjective determination (smart, beautiful, athletic, etc.) and not simply because you are you, then you're likely to be driven and motivated to maximize this 'edge', but you'll also be mostly unhappy regardless of what you achieve, because there will always be others who make your achievements along that axis seem like nothing in comparison. And even if you are the absolute best in the world at something, you will always feel chased and hunted, like the thing that makes your life worthwhile is constantly hanging by a thread.
This doesn't mean that we shouldn't strive to do great things or encourage our children to do the same if they're inspired to. But before that, we need to learn to be satisfied with a simple life just existing in the world as ourselves without any extraordinary achievements.
You will resonate with Aktie Kohn’s Unconditional Parenting which cites a lot of research confirming the long term futility and harm of extrinsic pressures encoded in common parenting practices and educational institutions.
> This doesn't mean that we shouldn't strive to do great things or encourage our children to do the same if they're inspired to. But before that, we need to learn to be satisfied with a simple life just existing in the world as ourselves without any extraordinary achievements.
Amazingly put. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately, I’m of two minds on this) I’m convinced this is a feature rather than a bug of American society. Deriving self worth from accomplishments is force fed culturally in every direction, including places where I wouldn’t necessarily expect it like politics (see Trumps Ivy League name dropping and Buttigiegs support relying heavily on his Harvard credentials).
Of course, would society be better off otherwise? I’m not sure.
It's a complex question to be sure, but I do think we'd be better off without this unhealthy form of motivation. I think whatever we might lose in sheer GDP output, we'd gain many times more in quality of life and reduction of negative externalities.
If you are made to believe that you are valuable as a human because you are x, y, or z subjective determination (smart, beautiful, athletic, etc.) and not simply because you are you, then you're likely to be driven and motivated to maximize this 'edge', but you'll also be mostly unhappy regardless of what you achieve, because there will always be others who make your achievements along that axis seem like nothing in comparison. And even if you are the absolute best in the world at something, you will always feel chased and hunted, like the thing that makes your life worthwhile is constantly hanging by a thread.
This doesn't mean that we shouldn't strive to do great things or encourage our children to do the same if they're inspired to. But before that, we need to learn to be satisfied with a simple life just existing in the world as ourselves without any extraordinary achievements.