It is not impossible to stop using and drinking completely. I am a very high performing software engineer and 20 years ago I had an opioid problem. I experienced bad things and out of control things as part of my addiction. My thinking was nuts. Yes I could have killed myself. My productivity dropped so much I was told "all the managers are wondering about you," but no one could figure it out, because I didn't seem like the type. I quit my job. Then I did the whole rigamarole of getting clean and I followed the suggestions of people who had struggled with the same problem and gotten freedom around it. I still do that. I am saying this (under a brand new login) because if there are people out there who are feeling hopeless, there is hope for you. I don't think about using anymore and I have learned tools to deal with my (substantial) success. You can too. The best thing was I got clean when my son was very young, he never saw me loaded, I had a good and stable relationship with his mother, and my son has no attraction to drugs or alcohol at this point. I was raised in an alcoholic home so I can't tell you the sense of accomplishment and gratitude I have about that. You don't have to be a genius to do this. You need willingness and honesty and you need to get some help. Good luck, I am rooting for you.