God, this is great. My personal favourite bit is "I am tempted to go full Slav on Conor....".
If there are any would-be impresarios or producers out there, I propose the following format for an adaptation of this that would permit a wider audience: Audio is a word-for-word recital of the existing text (narrated by Maciej if he wants the job). Video should be simply micro-vignettes of the scenes described: the perplexed Russians (regarding gluten), the threatening Chief Mate, the unstoppable eating of Rodney, the scalded hands of Bill. I think it's got the possibility to be a cult classic.
If there are any would-be impresarios or producers out there, I propose the following format for an adaptation of this that would permit a wider audience: Audio is a word-for-word recital of the existing text (narrated by Maciej if he wants the job). Video should be simply micro-vignettes of the scenes described: the perplexed Russians (regarding gluten), the threatening Chief Mate, the unstoppable eating of Rodney, the scalded hands of Bill. I think it's got the possibility to be a cult classic.