I think some believers see a steady state universe. Life then becomes a boltzman brain.
But I think panspermia is likely a thing and I think life naturally arises in open dissipative systems. Get a rock, water, and a heat source and wait a few million years...
I think what's missing from your closed system is some kind of variation to induce change. Earth might not have enjoyed life without the rotation and revolution of the Earth generating conductive (and other) currents in the air and water.
Side note, I think you could make stronger points by not distracting with that kind of off-putting sarcasm.