My boss's wife died about five or six years ago. Last year he had to fly across the country to a meeting on the anniversary of his wife's death. I found out about it when he seemed uncharacteristically agitated and cynical about the meeting. I asked him and he told me he had planned to visit her grave that day and now he couldn't. It may sound weird but I made a note in my diary for the future, and this year I made sure his schedule was completely free that day. He didn't turn up for work that day, and I felt gratified just to have done my little bit to help. My boss is really wonderful and it's nice to be able to give back in ways other than hard work and results.
Yours is a really beautiful gesture. It is rather remarkable how fragile we widowed people are around the birthdays and death anniversaries. I lost my wife 4 years ago at 37 years old to a rare cancer. Even though I plunge myself into work and have a deep, meaningful relationship with another young lady, I feel like hell a few days prior to the big events. Sometimes I have to "check in" with myself on why I feel so poorly since I didn't even realize certain days have crept up on me. Freud was right when he said the first year of widowhood is temporary insanity and I would venture we get a couple of minor echos of it around these difficult times.
I adopted through foster care. We try to maintain a relationship with the biological family. Do to various circumstances beyond our control, we don't tell our kids when we're going to see the biological family because it's never certain until we're really close. Long story short, you can set your clocks to the kids behavior. The closer we get to the time to have visits, the more their behavior reverts. After the visit, everything is normal again.
I can't explain it other than the kids have developed a need and they naturally revert to behaviors they had before those needs were met? The brain is a powerful thing.
Yes, I was surprised in my forties to notice that (for me) this is strangely important. In my calendar I keep "deathdays" as "//persons_name" and when I do, I am thinking of the "//" as "Signed out".
I'm not sure that, beyond my own thoughts, I give more or less attention to these as opposed to living person's birthdays, but I deeply honor it as my way of acknowledging and more importantly, not forgetting that this [un-birthday] changed my life.
This is something I don't quite understand. The day my dad died is not a day I like to remember, and I don't feel like celebrating it, yet my family always insists on coming toghether that day. I don't really mind, so I go along with it, but it's odd to me that so many people feel that urge.
I did not take note of the date when my grandmother died. The more I read, the better I feel about it. I do not need a fixed date in a year to remember someone
I wouldn’t care that much either, it’s more the collateral damage you can create as OP outlined. My father would suffer a lot if I didn’t see him on that day for example
After my dad's death, I found my mother would become far more emotional around her birthday. These occasions, special days, are reminders of a void. Something missing that will never be again. In her case, her husband saying Happy Birthday first thing in the morning.
Remember someone is key from preventing them dying a second death. They are truly dead when no-one remembers them any longer. If it takes a note to remember their deathday, that's OK.
Similarly, if somebody doesn't feel comfortable celebrating "deathdays", then that's OK too. Just because GP didn't take note of when their Grandmother died doesn't mean that no-one remembers her.
I do not know why hackercrow's commend is dead, I personally took no offense with it.
I do remember her, all the time. But everyone has their own way to grieve, to deal with loss of a loved person. Some order 2 beers at a bar and only drink one. Some do family meetings every year, pull up videos and pictures of great times had. Some like to just remember them at random occasions, reminisce about great times had together. To me, randomly remembering a person means much more than an a deathday.
To me, a fixed date makes it seem like this is the only occasion when you're supposed to grieve about that person.
In Hindu Tradition, 'deathdays'are celebrated each year by feeding kids and old people from your neighborhood or somewhere else. This is called "Sraddha".
I am so sorry to read all these stories of loss of loved ones and so sorry for all these terrible losses of loved ones. Reading this comment about remembering the day of one's death is common practice. The word Yahrzeit (from the German words "jahr" for year and "zeit" for time), refers to the anniversary of one's death, and is observed by recalling fond memories of the decased, visiting their grave, lighting a long-burning candle, and saying a prayer (typically a Kaddish) with a quorum. [1]
The aspect of a community coming together to memorializing the deceased and supporting mourners is a core tenant of practice. The week following a death, family and friends come to the aid of a mourner by helping them around their house, providing food and visiting with them to ease their grief. Communal prayer that requires a minimum quorum of people is another way a community supports a mourner. Though many people may process grief in different ways, there is little chance a mourner will lack human interaction throughout their grieving process.
Donating to charities in memory of the deceased is also a common practice. My friend's grandmother passed from Alzheimer's disease and I made a contribution to the Alzheimer's association. I recently heard a story of a Holocaust survivor who's father had passed from asphyxiation in a cattle car filled with people en route to a concentration camp. In memory of her father, she would support other's ability to breath by making donations to supply oxygen tanks to a volunteer ambulance service.
