I am always amazed when I see statements like this coming from people in highly-paid professions. It seems like the OP has already figured out that financial insecurity contributes a LOT to stress and can force us into very sub-optimal decisions. Props to them for connecting those dots.

I hope everybody reading this post takes a moment to review their financial readiness for different levels of calamity. If you don't have an emergency fund, make some small adjustments to pile up the cash ASAP.

For it to be useful long-term, you'll need to find a policy with both guaranteed renewal and guaranteed coverage increase as your income rises, before any chronic conditions appear (or are diagnosed) or things like car accidents occur and become pre-existing conditions.

There are other details that make shopping for a policy tedious/tricky, such as differences in "own occupation" coverage, post-disability inflation protection not being standard, and the fact that you probably want to choose a company that'll be solvent 40 years later (since there's no pre-existing condition exclusion-exception portability like for health insurance, AFAIK).

Meanwhile, while you're employed, those payments, which can be $50-$100/mo post-tax, may be a total waste, since your employer is likely paying for group disability coverage, and no (reasonably-priced) policy will double-pay. Usually, anything you get from Social Security (or any state-mandated) disability will also reduce the benefit. That is, the total from all sources will be capped by the most generous policy at somewhere around 60% of pre-disability income.

The market seems to be geared toward self-employed professionals, such as dentists, rather than the typical tech worker.

All that said, here's my advice: If your employer offers you a "tax option" or "imputed income" on the disability insurance premium, choose it (and if they don't offer it, ask for it). Paying the extra few dollars per paycheck in tax will mean that 60%-of-pre-disability-income won't be subject to income tax and would actually be close to a total income replacement.

AFAIK private disability insurance folks love "typical" tech workers because they're less likely to malinger than most self-employed professionals, to a degree which makes getting private long-term disability insurance a bit of a challenge if one e.g. runs a software consultancy or SaaS business.

(FYI for folks who might find themselves in that situation at some point: I got Petersen International Underwriters https://www.piu.org/ to do a policy for me, despite having at the time a "quite complicated" story on the financial front [0]. They don't sell insurance directly to consumers so one has to use a broker; insubuy.com was adequate for the very modest needs of moving information from my emails into their inbox.)

[0] A major risk in underwriting folks for disability insurance is moral hazard; if malingering on insurance is preferable to going to work, some people might be tempted to do so, and since long-term insurance policies might last until current facts about someone's business/career are no longer true, you have to make a best guess on "OK, does it look like their $200k+ income will continue, or will they eventually face the choice 'Shut down business and get a job at Target or leave the workforce and bill us for $10k a month.'"

It's been more than a few years since I've looked, but any love didn't, then, translate to a diversity of products, transparency in pricing (e.g. ease of obtaining quotes), and/or significantly lower premiums (or discounts for periods of double coverage).

That's only true if you want to increase your spending as your income increases. If you start out with an upper-middle-class paycheck and lifestyle and get disability insurance for that, and save 100% of any pay raises on top of that, then a simple cost of living adjustment is more than enough. And even without a COLA adjustment, your long-term savings should be accruing faster than inflation anyhow. Rough math says that if you can't save enough to replace 2% of your income in a year, then you can't afford to retire after working 50 years.

>That is, the total from all sources will be capped by the most generous policy at somewhere around 60% of pre-disability income.

This is more than it sounds like, since private disability benefits are untaxed. For anyone with a six figure income, that's $5k/mo in after-tax income. Plus, this income is 100% portable within the US - you no longer have to live within the high COL areas where the tech jobs are.

For many people, I think you have this backwards. That is, they seek an increased income in order to support increased spending, such as for raising children.

Regardless, the kind of savings discipline you propose seems like it would apply to a minority of those near the start of their careers.

https://mobile.twitter.com/patio11/status/988094196274769920

Michael Jordan has a coach. Programmers and other brain workers have therapists.

It's so obvious to me that having a neutral person who helps you track and set goals, track your moods, and help you process work relationships and events has a huge benefit.

But people ignore this! They are in this macho culture where you need to be self reliant and going to a therapist is weird and weak.

So instead of getting help, they place the burden on their friends and family and co-workers to tolerate and correct their shitty behavior.

Your friends or wife is not your therapist. They are not trained, are not impartial, and wouldn't you rather be having a good time then forcing them to listen to your constant whining?

I'm diagnosed bipolar and have gotten things under control with the help of a therapist WITHOUT medication. It's a powerful experience and a cheat-code to productivity.

When I read your post it sounded like you were being a little too hard on yourself. Something that helps me is instead of thinking about how far there still is to go, thinking about how far you've come so far. Or as Adam Grant says:

"After reaching a goal, raising the bar often increases motivation but decreases happiness.

To enjoy your success, imagine how your past self would see your current achievements.

If you knew 5 years ago what you’d accomplish now, how proud would you have been?"

You're doing great. Thanks for sharing again and keep it up!!

Huge props to you for stepping out and sharing what you were going through. If only this was more commonplace for others in your situation.

At the end of the day, we all deserve to be happy, and I hope you reach that point very soon through careful management of all things “life”.

As someone prone to depression throughout their entire life, I have to agree that a bad job situation can make a depressive-leaning person's life really bad. I've been going through similar things for the last few months.

I think this is also pushing me to get my own therapist lined up again, as it's been a while. Like you, I know that there are some things I need help with, and there's no shame in that. But god, finding mental health professionals is so hard! Just don't slide back, it's so easy to do, and it can really hurt for a long time.

Although my situation was not anything like as bad, I went through a similar situation two years ago. The two things I wish in retrospect I'd done differently are (1) get therapy sooner and (2) get out sooner. The feeling I had the day I quit that employer is one of the best feelings I've ever had, even though it was a place I thought I loved. I'm still doing the same job at a different employer, but the difference is night and day.

At least in my past situation, a huge part of the issue was in recognising that I was in that situation in the first place. These types of workplace issues have a nasty habit of creeping up slowly, day by day, week by week, so that you don't notice them. I kept thinking "it's just this current situation around [x] thing", when really it was the whole environment.

Add even a small amount of home/personal life stress on top of that (dealing with very young or teenage kids, moving house, illness, money worries, relationship problems, ...) and it can be the straw that broke the camel's back.

I really wish good therapy (with a therapist of your choice) was something which health insurance/the NHS paid for (at least in the UK, it doesn't). I hate to think of how many people in these types of situations are put off by the cost.

'Shoring up' for the long term is the best you can do for yourself on a practical level now - work, earn, save, clear debts, that's the practical steps.

Medically get all the help you can - be it meds, therapy, new ideas..

Maybe get some new ideas happening for you too? On a philosophical front I mean, I find episodes of depression come with a big slab of "what's the point" and have thus sometimes found (but this is very individual I guess) that exposure to new stuff - meditation, buddhism, books/reflections on philosophy etc helped in the sense of 'seeing a bigger picture'. Getting 'out of oneself' type activities are helpful during episodes IMO as it reduces (a little) that introversion which seems to happen and be quite damaging when in the depth of depression.

I had two years out of work after depression and substance abuse treatment (I managed to keep my job during this period whilst barely functioning for a couple of years, more due to bad HR management than anything I did, i.e. inertia/incompetence on their part). It took 12 months of the out of work time just to get recovery up to a level where I felt I'd be capable of working again, and then another 9 months to actually get a gig..

It's a long road, without light sometimes it feels.. but it will pass if you ensure you keep the minimal practicals together and ensure you get outside help to deal with what's going on in your head. You are absolutely not alone. Take care and good luck! S

No one deserves to ever feel deppressed, I say this confidently, having been swallowed by depression once and succesfully coming out to tell its woefull tales, it's great to see another person escape from its cold, lonely, and sad clutch.

This is part of my issue as well.

But most importantly, thank you for your story. (It seems that someone is cutting some onions at my desk, either that or a lot of dust in my office.)

Never underestimate the power of sharing your story.

Thank you.

Just one thing that occurred to me. Reconsider the necessity to find a good therapist. It can be so immensely helpful.

Best of luck on your ventures and your health!

When I had depression I found this a very difficult and frustrating task that was depressing by itself. I don't want to say that most therapist are bad but they are humans and it's very hard to find one that matches well with the patient.

[0] https://shift.newco.co/2017/12/04/your-financial-shock-wealt...

I've been on and off anti-depressants since I was sixteen, and I'm 33 now. My self-confidence has been basically destroyed, and I've kind of been just a shell of a human being ever since middle school. I've never figured myself out, and I've never felt like I've had time to, or the space and energy.

I've been in and out of therapy, I've been to rehab, and I've seen lots of professionals - psychiatrists and therapists.

My current psychiatrist is helping me a lot - but it also seems like it's two steps forward, and three backwards. During the spring, I gained a lot of confidence, and felt like I was back on track, and it only took one thing going haywire in my plans, for everything to once again fall off the rails.

Like you - I finally broke down to my parents (who have been amazingly supportive over the years) - and this isn't the first time I've broken down in front of them - but hopefully it's the last.

I've decided that the career path I've sought for myself, which is the line of work they both worked in, isn't for me.

My main goal right now, which I'm going to need their help with (because at this point accomplishing basic tasks like opening my email / checking my physical mail - are terrifying to me), is to sell the house I purchased several years ago. This thing has been a boat anchor, and has helped keep me stuck by requiring a certain level of monthly income.

After that, I hope to quit my job and set out across the country to do some soul searching. Hopefully via the house sale and savings I've accrued, I can keep myself afloat for a while, while I pursue new opportunities.

My goal is to enter a new industry, that is arguably more rigorous than the one I'm leaving, but I feel like my current position has contributed quite a bit to my deterioration in mental health, and that it's not what I love - or even want - to do.

Ultimately, I keep myself going by remembering the alternative is not an option. I try to think that things will get better, but it's difficult at times. The one thing I can always rely on fortunately (and this isn't true for many), is family and my close friends. Networking is very important, and so is remembering that everyone, including you and me, deserves to be happy.

Your journey is yours alone to make, so don’t take this advice but rather an anecdote.

When I was able to better understand what I valued in life (which is also constantly changing) I was able to find a lot more peace in my day to day life. I do what I value. I avoid what I do not. Much of what I value comes with challenges, pain, and difficulty, but because I value it the friction proves beneficial in the long wrong. I eschew things I don’t value (social media), but constantly reevaluate and challenge myself.

Good luck. I hope you find what you’re seeking.

I really do value that feedback. I have also stopped using almost all forms of social media. I can't drop twitter - but that is because I value a lot of the content I read there (mostly related to game development).

I've also learned that I need to focus on what is important to my health, and less, on what is important to others.

These are hard lessons for some individuals to learn. It's amusing - because very much of my behavior is self-centered.

I think the key lesson I've learned throughout my continual growing process, is that thoughtless compassion and service to others, grants you the ability to also be compassionate towards yourself.

Living in your problems, hating life, focusing on negatives all the time, wraps your head around your own negativity and dissatisfaction with life.

It's a fine balance that needs to be maintained, and it's easy to slip up in that regard, but I think it's also critical in healing and recovery.

And even then - living this and thinking it, are two totally different things.

1) long walks in nature 2) eat well 3) sleep (If necessary get a prescription for trazodone, they’re cheap $7.50 for 90 pills) 4) antidepressant meds

Interestingly "Doctors in Shetland are to start prescribing birdwatching, rambling and beach walks in the Atlantic winds to help treat chronic and debilitating illnesses for the first time. From Friday [5 Oct 2018], doctors working in the 10 GP surgeries on the islands will be authorised by the archipelago’s health board, NHS Shetland, to issue 'nature prescriptions' to patients to help treat mental illness, diabetes, heart disease, stress and other conditions." [0]

[0] https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2018/oct/05/scottish-gps...

It sounds like you can barely work. Is it possible for you to get a easier job or one that’s more physical? Taking care of the bare minimums like food and shelter are priority number one. Everything else comes second.

Therapy and meds can go a long way but you’ll still face living with a disability.

The outlook is bleak unless you can provide for yourself and at least enjoy eating.

I recommend cats and cspan.

1. Break your fall.

Depression, and any 'invisible' illness, are highly distracting. Like trying to getting an A while getting electric shocks during every class and study. It can be done (not by me, but by some I guess) but it is really really hard. You'll miss obvious problems, solutions, and obvious signs that act as cues at other times. You need to turn down the voltage a bit.

First, quick fixes. These are antidepressants. They are a good temporary measure but not more than 3 maybe 6 months. Depression kills all forward progress, and antidepressants can release some of this pressure temporarily - freeing you to begin moving to long term solutions. That is really all antidepressants are good for.

2. Find out-of-the-box effective solutions to your depression - immediately.

First, I have been helped by western herbals (St. John's Wort is proven long term effective but takes time to get going), ayurvedic Indian herbal treatments (start with Ashwagandha), Chinese herbs, gut related bacteria and probiotics (strong ones like kombucha every day - not gentle 'nudges' like yogurt).

Focus on the medicine vs the doctor/treatment. Dr visits can take a month or more and are expensive - your health can't wait. Focus on the herbs themselves vs visiting the ayurvedic practitioner, acupuncturist, or Chinese Herbalist. Via the internet, I stole bits and pieces of the most effective treatments in non-western medicine and cobbled together my own solutions.

Second, Yoga exercise routines, and add the Yoga mindfulness stuff later if you can (but at least the exercise routines). You must do this. Yoga is proven and will help you - but you can't stop there (and will find it hard to start if you have not broken your fall yet). Exercise and treatment must always be combined.

Third, mindfulness. Know you will make it through. You may not know how yet, but you will make it. Fake it 'til you make it is a proven strategy - but not enough alone.

3. If you do not have the ability to share your focus with your job (balancing your health treatment and your job) get a quick fix (antidepressant) going right away to 'turn down the voltage'. And let whatever happens to you job - happen. Panic and anxiety about a job you may be losing is waste of your very precious and limited resources (you may even find your wrong about your fears!).

Remember your solution order -

1. Break you fall (quick fix) and turn down the voltage a little.

2. Come up with long term solutions/strategies to turn it down a lot, and keep it down.

3. And finally - focus on your job last. Your good health will do much more for your job and life than your very best but highly distracted efforts can ever do.

Best of luck - I will be watching for your updates.

You have a chronic problem - you must treat it like one.

> I've put off finding a new therapist and psychiatrist because of the same catch-22 that was affecting me earlier, being depressed removing my motivation, but writing this post and reliving the last few months has reminded me that nothing good will come of continuing that.

Basically, they sit there and listen, and let you talk about things. Giving you advice? No way.

Being an authoritative person? No. I was not able to fully accept that the empathy therapist show is FAKE, it's not real. You're literally paying them to sit there and listen to you.

I wasn't able to get over the fact that they don't care about you or your life, at the end of the day it's a business.

For instance, let's say one day you lose your insurance? All of sudden your therapist isn't going to help you anymore, etc.

It's all bullshit.

I care about the software projects I'm on, and really want them to succeed, and my clients to gets lots of value out of those projects. But I'm not going to work for them for free.

If you want to talk to someone for free there are friends, family and acquaintances. But that comes with its own set of obligations. If every time I saw a friend I complained about the same issues over and over again I wouldn't have many friends.