I haven't reread the edited version, but the draft is less grating to me than most of these essays (I read every essay). I can see why you deleted much of it, but the draft has some interesting detail that got cut.
The essays do have a lot of telling vs. showing, and maybe that gives them the feel of over-produced music. For instance, the paragraph about VC reactions to your suggestions in Why There Aren't More Googles would be way better as an anecdote with specific detail, imho.
The essays do have a lot of telling vs. showing, and maybe that gives them the feel of over-produced music. For instance, the paragraph about VC reactions to your suggestions in Why There Aren't More Googles would be way better as an anecdote with specific detail, imho.