Occasionally when dealing with irrational people I have found it useful to match their energy level. So if they're yelling, you start raising your voice too. And you take whatever it is they're saying seriously. And if you have an objection, you state that objection. Then you continue the argument until the raised voices seem pointless and you both just calm down.
I had to learn this technique when I was living with friends that had undiagnosed and untreated personality disorders. Remaining calm while they're blowing up simply didn't work, and led them to think I was patronizing them. So I'd start making the same points I was trying to make to them, only with a raised voice. I would get completely invested in the argument, while remaining in full control of myself. Soon they would calm down.
It usually wound up being a cathartic experience for them. They'd break down after the whole thing was over, sometimes even cried. At first I thought I was doing God's work, but eventually I realized that that sort of thing just wasn't ever going to 'fix' them, and they needed treatment. For most of us, major cathartic events happen once a month to once a year and provide opportunities for permanent personality growth.
But when you have a personality disorder, no amount of catharsis will change your behavior, because your brain isn't wired the same way.
One of my sales mentors shared this story with me, but I'm not sure where he heard it originally. Basically what you said, if someone comes to you angry about something, be angrier but not at them. In all but the most extreme cases they end up trying to calm you down.
His example was a tailor of very high-end clothes, think tuxedos that cost as much as most folks' cars, custom women's jackets for formal events, etc. A customer comes in, angry that a button is sewed on with an incorrect thread pattern. Something to fix if you're paying $10,000 for a jacket but not exactly something reasonable to get angry about. The customer comes in, throws the jacket on the counter and demands that it be fixed. Rather than trying to de-escalate their anger, be absolutely outraged that one of your employees would do this. Assure the customer that you will find out who did something so inconceivably stupid, and that you will most certainly fire them on the spot. The expected response will generally be something like "well, it's not that big of a deal I mean if we just fix the threading..."
I'm sure there have been exceptions for other folks but every time I've used this tactic (generally reserved for the most egregiously ridiculous displays of anger) it's worked almost immediately.
I've deployed this approach at jobs before with tempestuous bosses. I can assure you that you don't need to reserve it for egregious outbursts. These sorts think of anger as energizing, any charged-up display commands respect from them.
Eventually they start thinking of you as their protege.
The weird, 'magic' thing about this is that the capacity to be unreasonably angry about something means that you take it very seriously. You won't detect that someone else isn't taking it half as seriously unless you were also only deploying anger as a technique. The anger itself blinds you. And if you weren't really that angry, well you just got caught out.
There is a concept of persuasion in NLP called "pacing and leading." The objective is to build rapport and then leverage it to your advantage. Essentially you first match what they're doing, so if they are sprinting on a track you sprint and run along side them (rather than trying to walk and expect them to keep up) so you are pacing. Then when you are alongside each other and in contact so to speak, you can either increase or decrease the pace gradually and they will follow you. The running idea is a metaphor here for "energy" or whatever you want to call it.
> I had to learn this technique when I was living with friends that had undiagnosed and untreated personality disorders. Remaining calm while they're blowing up simply didn't work, and led them to think I was patronizing them.
I've definitely had this experience. I have at least one friend who never learned to control her displays of anger at all, and who regards failing to be as angry as her as proof that you're not listening or taking her seriously. The weird result is that dealing with her displays calmly just convinces her you're a patronizing ass.
"irrational people" != people with "undiagnosed and untreated personality disorders"
I just think it's important to iterate that. At the beginning of your comment it seems like you're offering a different general approach to the general approach given in the article.
Hmm. I didn't understand that they had such crosses to bear at the time. I just knew that they were acting irrationally. If they were rational, then remaining calm would have worked. It didn't, so I needed a different approach. I didn't work out until later that they had PDs and what that meant.
Nobody can know that another person has a PD until a pattern of interactions makes it clear.
Also, as you can see further down in the comments to your parent, iterating in that direction leaves the impression that you're being an armchair psychologist. I think it's important to retain the aspect of the narrative that you didn't know what situation you were in when you were dealing with it.
Not that it applies to your case particularly but ...
> remaining calm
is not always right. I know people who see 'being calm' in the face of anger or provocation as being apathetic -- somewhat lifeless and inhuman. Which enrages them.
Anger is a normal human emotion -- don't overdo it and don't underdo it.
> friends that had undiagnosed and untreated personality disorders
So you diagnosed multiple of your friends as having personality disorders? I'm guessing your not a psychologist.
> match their energy level
This is the exact opposite of what you should be doing. You are always to stay below their level to diffuse the situation. If their energy level goes down, you lower yours further.
You literally diagnosed your friends and badgered them to the point of crying.
If you had witnessed the interactions you would not have come to that conclusion. They beat themselves up, they didn't need me to do it. When someone is irrational, their verbal violence cuts in both directions.
I am not a psychologist but I see one every week. I did not consider personality disorders until the person in question brought it up, and I had a lot more experience with such things later in life. All I knew at the time was that they were not responding to calmness and I needed to try something different.
I had to learn this technique when I was living with friends that had undiagnosed and untreated personality disorders. Remaining calm while they're blowing up simply didn't work, and led them to think I was patronizing them. So I'd start making the same points I was trying to make to them, only with a raised voice. I would get completely invested in the argument, while remaining in full control of myself. Soon they would calm down.
It usually wound up being a cathartic experience for them. They'd break down after the whole thing was over, sometimes even cried. At first I thought I was doing God's work, but eventually I realized that that sort of thing just wasn't ever going to 'fix' them, and they needed treatment. For most of us, major cathartic events happen once a month to once a year and provide opportunities for permanent personality growth.
But when you have a personality disorder, no amount of catharsis will change your behavior, because your brain isn't wired the same way.