Brainfuck is the sanest choice.

I'm not new to programming. I just haven't done much for a whole lot of years. Brainfuck, I'm familiar with it, is never the sanest choice.

I've narrowed it down to Python or Java. I've done C, C++, BASIC, QBASIC, Perl, PHP, and even some COBOL. I've played with a few others.

I'd say the choice really depends on the what you are trying to do. Python, Java (and even Golang) all have their pros and cons. If you are doing personal projects that involve with data processing, and maybe a simple webapp, nothing beats Python and its ecosystem. If you are planning to grow a team, and the projects are enterprise-ish, then Java is a good contender. In my case, while I wrote some 30K lines of Golang in my last job a few years back (and still got compliments from the current maintainers to this day), I just tolerated the language and never enjoyed it. Before that, I did a lot of Java and before that C and Perl. I don't program daily anymore, and only play with data science / ML ideas these days, and so I do Python (mostly in Jupyter notebooks) and run the scripts on real datasets in remote servers, with a simple Flask app to display the results/charts.

If you're considering Java, you might consider a Java-derivative like Kotlin. It's similar enough to Java that it's suitable for basically any task where Java will work. The IDE support is great and the learning curve for anyone who writes Java will be quick. After having used Java for close to 20 years and now having tried Kotlin, I see very little reason to start a project from scratch in Java these days.

Haha, my reply was more of a good nature jab @ GP's comment on Python.

Have you thought of learning a new programming paradigm? Why not check out Elixir or Rust?

>Rust is out because of their cultlike traits and their need to turn a language into a political statement.

If you're going to eliminate languages for that, you're basically out of options.