There's got to be a book of these, where you can fill in your company name and other details, Mad-lib style.
"At [COMPANY] we take [THING WE SCREWED UP] very seriously. We will be launching an investigation into potential lapses of [THING WE SCREWED UP] and take steps to ensure it remains strong going forward."
"Our customers' [THING WE LOST] is extremely important to us. It is [COMPANY]'s top priority to recover this [THING WE LOST]."
Haha this reminds me of Grayson Moorhead's principles of business:
We must take special care of the list with each client's name and the amount of money he has invested. If we were to lose that list, we would be ruined.
"At [COMPANY] we take [THING WE SCREWED UP] very seriously. We will be launching an investigation into potential lapses of [THING WE SCREWED UP] and take steps to ensure it remains strong going forward."
"Our customers' [THING WE LOST] is extremely important to us. It is [COMPANY]'s top priority to recover this [THING WE LOST]."