I'm in my late twenties. I've never had many friends, but I can count the number of times I've done something social in the past year on one hand. I spent my birthday and all the holidays by myself, and will be spending the upcoming ones along as well.

Most of my human "contact" comes in the form of things like GitHub/slack/etc, or discussion forums related to programming.

I've had extremely few close friends in my life, and always been single. I've tried to date, but making connections with other humans is oh so incredibly difficult. I think I'm rather likeable, I get along fairly well with most people I meet. I'm friendly, agreeable, and try my best to positive. But that's analogous to me being a good sport: that's great and all, but when it comes time to choose who bats on your team, you want someone good at sports. You want friends who are fun, make you laugh, who are good matches. You get good at sports with a lot of practice. You get good at being a companion, someone other's enjoy being around by...

I had a very close friend once, about 6 years ago. It's embarrassing just how motivating desires to return to those feelings of acceptance and support are. I'm very intrinsically motivated, but 5 year plans of spartan existence to try and make something of my interests, to become someone respectable, someone another would want to forgive for their flaws and awful dorkishness, is something that keeps me going. I know in reality that this would only make me less interesting, more distant. But if I am to make something of my life before I die and am forgotten, I need dedication.

For the longest time I thought I was a loner and an introvert... until I found the right people. I'm still enjoying me time more than average, but at least I know I don't have to "train" to socialize - I just have to find people I click with. And yes, it can take the longest time to get there, and it can happen in the unlikeliest of places.

I’ve found it helpful to divide being shy and being an introvert into two different buckets though they share some similarities.

The introvert classification helps me know how I best recharge my batteries: alone time where I can process my thoughts.

Shyness seems to be more tied to fear of how other people will reach to something I do or say, making it feel like it is better to just not interact.

Shyness / fear feels like something I can work on; I was a waiter for a while and that really helped me in this regard. Introvert feels more like something to be in tune with regarding how to recharge when you feel depleted.

The least likely of places is in my apartment during a pandemic, but I'll move to a larger city after it ends where there will be more opportunities in general, and with others with similar interests in particular.

It’s important to find a tribe of likeminded people, it makes us a lot more acceptable of ourselves and socializing with them is no effort whatsoever. Ultimately we all need to fit in, no matter how small the group is

> I'm friendly, agreeable, and try my best to positive. But that's analogous to me being a good sport: that's great and all, but when it comes time to choose who bats on your team, you want someone good at sports.

That bit threw me for a loop a bit since "a good sport" isn't someone who is good at sports, it's rather someone, well, friendly, agreeable and positive.

I think it’s a rather clever word play, and he’s indicating that people prefer competence over friendliness. Which in social situations often isn’t actually true. Most people don’t like being around insufferable people even if they’re brilliant (take Nassim Taleb as an example.

However people can’t just ignore someone like Taleb, even if they’d really like to, because he’s been so RIGHT about so many things, which exposes the flaws in their thinking.

Being friendly, polite, and positive are easy. If you're kind and not demanding, people won't mind you and will probably find you fairly likeable.

But that's not enough for people to actually want to spend time with you; you have to bring more to the table, e.g. insightful cultural commentary, to make people laugh, or some sort of common ground. Navigating conversations to find common ground is much easier said than done. Doubly so for telling engaging and relatable stories to convey a sense of shared experience.

So I don't mean a preference for professional competence, but a preference for "social competence", acknowledging of course that it's also highly dependent on the culture.

To get more personal, I've been called "boring", "transparent", "predictable", "two dimensional". I think I'm probably more engaging than a script programmed to regurgitate platitudes, but some of my critics have suggested not by much!

> "... I'm rather likeable, I get along fairly well with most people I meet. I'm friendly, agreeable, and try my best to positive."

What would happen if you tried the opposite? I've been trying that lately. Not the opposite exactly, but I've been trying to not mask my real thoughts / feelings. This is often difficult because I've been so trained to be conscientious.

But, with this new scheme, I feel that I turn off about 10% of people, 89% don't get me, and 1% end up really liking me. Those few people who I connect with make me feel really good.

It's that old aphorism - be yourself. I find it hard to do as well - it seems like a common issue with my generation (Millennials). I know it impacts my ability to make real connections, because I can come across overly fake. I'm afraid my real personality is quite callous though.

> But if I am to make something of my life before I die and am forgotten, I need dedication.

You'll be thanked online. That'll maybe fire up the dopamine. So, you'll do it again.

You might be missing out on oxytocin, though.

If you can't get outside and walk and just wave at people or say hi, then you might start with a short Yoga video before you start work. Each thing you do, you only need to do it once, there's no commitment, and no one's forcing you to do it.

The Beatles used transcendental meditation, which involves just saying some mantra word aloud or in your head and you sit normally in a comfortable chair for 20 minutes in the morning and evening. You could just do that once also, if you want.

If you want a friend, sometimes having a pet can help. If they distract you and you're not getting things done, maybe you need some of that, unless your job is to ensure our planet isn't destroyed, in which case you could maybe keep them in a different area.

And if someone talks to you, maybe hold the button to turn the phone off and shut the lid on laptop and listen to them.

If none of that makes sense, then you might explore whether you have overfocused ADD or have an anxiety or autism spectrum-related condition. Very successful and productive people have had both, but Tesla still had friends and relationships, even if some were with birds.

Worst case, if you're thoroughly stuck in some belief that you must make something of yourself to the point of sacrificing all others, the red pill which you probably shouldn't take but it might be applicable is Hume: http://www.gutenberg.org/files/4705/4705-h/4705-h.htm

You are you, though. Be whatever you must.

> I know in reality that this would only make me less interesting, more distant. But if I am to make something of my life before I die and am forgotten, I need dedication.

Can you define what you meant by "make something of ny life”?

If you should want to spend a birthday not-alone, throw a party. And if you don't have any bffs, it's totally fine to invite people you kinda sorta know.

kinda obvious, but also kinda insightful. if you're an introvert and you're just waiting around for people to invite you to things, the people most like you are waiting for you to make an invitation.

I don't know the circumstances obviously, but consider reaching out to that formerly close friend (assuming they are alive / reachable)