The defendant has been recognized by no less than 15 people. His DNA was found all over the crime scene . The victim's blood was found at his clothes. A video recording made by a surveillance camera depicts the whole murder. He himself confessed.
I actually don't believe that the videos people will use will live up to the standard even if they claim they do. Observing average people, they model probability as a binary 0/1.
They'll look at the video and be like "Yeah he's wearing Carhartt. It's him. He wears it" or whatever. And some other equally clueless nitwit will convince himself it wasn't me because I have 3 blue items and the killer had a red keychain.
Essentially, it is crucial to me to prevent the state from exercising power over me because the agents of the state are frequently morons. And there's nothing worse than morons with power over you since you cannot reason them out of idiocy.
The murder has been staged. Organized crime found a doppelganger, made him wear the victims clothes and kill the other guy on cctv. They contacted the victim and told him to either confess or they will kill his children and parents.
I responded to this saying yes, but I think it left too much room for nitpicking. Although I do think this is above the bar, it’s also worth noting that in this scenario, the criminal did in fact seem to leave the crime scene. The much more obvious case is the one where they are caught mid act with many crowd sourced perspectives of the crime, like random shooters.
Yep. That’s what I’m saying. Starting with a required confession is a good start. You could make it as hard as requiring the jury to fail to come up with any other believable narrative.
It’s ok if a criminal can avoid the death penalty by blatantly refusing to confess in light of obviously incriminating evidence.
The real murderer was his long-lost twin, who had previously kidnapped him in a cell, performed the murders and the confession, then snuck out and swapped them!
I’m not convinced that you can meaningfully raise the bar beyond “beyond a reasonable doubt” (or even that you can get juries to consistently apply “beyond a reasonable doubt”.)
Regardless of jury instructions, I think what you normally get in practice is “beyond the point at which you are convinced the accused should be treated as guilty”.
I find myself making way too much food, and having to freeze things back. Things I used to make in bulk that would last us 3 meals now take me over a week to finish, if I don't just throw it out.
If I don't want to cook, the thought of going out to eat by myself, getting a table for one, just feels pathetic and I don't want to do it. If I order delivery, I still end up getting too much.
If I make some new thing, something she never got to try, I feel like crap because it's another experience we didn't get to have together. Same for going to a new restaurant. All of this will get easier with time but I wouldn't wish this life on anyone.
However, I do want to take away the stigma of eating alone, watching a movie alone, etc. In my previous life, I was a tech consultant who traveled with a team and then was left behind by myself to finish the job. I spent more time alone in New Orleans, Columbus, Newark, and Dallas than I would have ever expected.
What I learned is that many people are alone. Those of us that were alone, together often met others and weren't so alone. It made the time better.
More importantly, you may not want to go out and eat dinner or go to a movie. That is a reasonable choice. That said, if you do and if you are worried about people thinking about you being alone you should know that most people don't notice anyone else. So they are not making judgments.
Most importantly, there are a lot of us who are alone out there. If you sit at the bar (and don't worry about drinking or not), you'll fit right in with the rest of us who are doing the same thing. We're all in this together.
Going to a movie alone sucks. It also sucks when going with someone, just not as much.
The better choice is to watch the movie at home. Then you can pause it when you need to use the bathroom, you can eat whatever food/snacks you want without paying a fortune, the sound won't be too loud, you won't have to deal with obnoxious jerks around you, you won't have to worry about getting shot by some crazy off-duty cop, you won't have to sit through 30 minutes of ads, I could go on and on...
I like going to the movies by myself. I used to do this all the time when I was single. I can just watch the movie and not worry about anything else.
It's ok to go to movies with other people too, but you aren't really socializing while you are watching the movie, unless you want to disturb the people around you.
It will get easier. Six and a half years for me, after almost ten of marriage. I wasn't the main meal preparer, but everything about mealtime took a different tack, including going out and experiencing new things in life. I felt like half of a team tackling the world. Eventually I moved to the mindset that the number one thing she would have wanted for me was to keep adventuring and getting out there, and I took to it quickly. Just as we grew to a be a team, I grew for a while to be solo, and then eventually grew to be a team with someone else. Our hearts heal and our patterns can change.
I understand that the main issue is the sadness, but there is nothing wrong with going to a restaurant by yourself. Absolutely nothing, and there is nothing to be ashamed of or pathetic. No one else in the restaurant will think twice about it either.
There's so much more to it than embarrassment when grief is involved.
For me it felt pathetic because their absence overshadowed absolutely everything else, making it all feel wasted, from the effort to get out of the house to the order to eating to returning home.
It didn't matter if the restaurant or bar was full or empty, what others thought about me never crossed my mind, because all I could think about was the empty seat across from me, the empty stool next to me. Why bother when I can feel like that at home?
I wish this were true, but I can tell when someone thinks I'm a weirdo for eating out alone. Just a month or two ago I went to a McMenamins (a pub/restaurant chain in Oregon and Washington) to have lunch and poke on my laptop, and the guy seating me literally asked if I didn't, like, have a wife or kids or anything.
Hard to judge, if you weren't there and don't know what was said verbatim, don't you think ? You may be right, but you also may be very wrong. I really dislike the piling on in thread. Jeez!
Right on. I do sometimes notice when people dine out alone, but I don't see it as strange or lesser than. I really just see them as a strong person, and wonder about their story.
I used to dine out a lot by myself. At first it is strange, but you can get over it. Other people assume you are traveling or working late. The waitstaff tend to pay more attention to you in my experience. Places I frequented would do things like bring me tea right away.
I still dine out alone at times because my family doesn't like some of the places I like to eat (spicy foods mostly) and I don't care what anyone thinks, it doesn't bother me.
I was bored, went to a pub alone once, played pool with random people, was quite fun. For couple of hours. But didn’t like it as a general habit. But no one cared.
I’m so sorry, that sounds unimaginably hard. It’s hard for me to cook interesting things when my SO is just out of town for a bit.
One thing that did work for me when we were separated for a while was treating food like a chore, like showering or running. I gave myself permission to be monotonous, and just kept eating the same simple healthy things.
I have my phone remind me do to all those simple things that used to be effortless, like take a shower, eat something, feed the cat, water the plants, etc.
It does tend to be a lot of the same stuff. I've made more or less the same breakfast for 7 months now.
Right after my spouse passed, my neighbors very cleverly asked me if I could make them coffee and bring it over every morning - I had an espresso maker, it was still peak pandemic with limited access to coffee shops, I'd been so isolated and careful as a caretaker that I wasn't a risk, and they were desperate to have lattes.
That got me out of bed every day for months, right when I wanted to the least. I'd eventually have to leave the house to pick up coffee and milk. It meant making someone happy every day, doing something I enjoyed, saying hi and talking to someone face-to-face even if it was brief. That kept me going and held me accountable. Anything you can do like that is going to make things easier.
Got a very remotely similar story. My sister-in-law recently passed and people have been bringing us food. Which is a lovely thought, but we'd just returned from 10 weeks overseas and cooking for ourselves in our kitchen was something I'd been looking forward to. Instead, we have four lasagnes that our children won't touch because they prefer ours. I think staying busy and involved with people is more positive, at least for me.
I am sorry for you loss. someone I hold dear shared "A short story for support, by an old man" with me and I found it helpful. I don't know who wrote it, but perhaps I can share it here.
It took me about 14 months to get to the point where enjoying something novel didn't invoke guilt. It has gotten, and does and will get, easier, but I also remember where you were very well and I know there's not much I can say that will help you now - it's terrible.
It has been 14 months since my wife passed after thirty years of marriage. There is a lot of good advice here. All I can say is things can get better. Grief is a process. Be kind to yourself. Seek out the company others if you can remotely tolerate it. Honor your wife by trying to be healthy and happy. You are not alone in your struggle.
Divorced for two years and I did most of the cooking, it didn't affect me much because I was already making large batches of food and freezing it. Here's my system:
- I cook about two dishes per week that freeze and re-heat well. (chilis, curries, soups, stews, refried beans, hummus, beans, etc)
- I cook 6-8 servings at a time, eat one right away and put two away and freeze the rest
- Before I eat up the rest of what's in the fridge, I get another 2-4 servings out of the freezer and put them in the fridge
- If I don't want to have what's in the fridge or freezer I cook a quick meal (stir fry, omelet, mac & cheese, pasta, ramen, etc)
I never get bored of my food and I don't spend a ton of time cooking. I also like to make things that can be "remixed" into other dishes to keep things interesting.
Divorced and Widowed is not the same thing. In later specially in happy marriage grief component is very profound. In case of divorce grief might not be present.
I'll add to this, gently. There can be some awkwardness around how others refer to the person in your life who died. "Ex" is definitely not it. Gently correct them.
Also, when I talk about that time or person in my life, depending how much I want to get it into it and the level of familiarity, I describe that person using one of:
- My late wife
- My wife, who passed away
- My wife at the time
- A family friend
- I know someone who...
If I'm trying to relate to something a relative stranger is telling me, I'll use one of the later versions unless I want to drop the (often unknown what to do with) bomb that I experienced such-and-such with my dead wife, too. Many people don't know how to handle that.
> If I'm trying to relate to something a relative stranger is telling me, I'll use one of the later versions unless I want to drop the (often unknown what to do with) bomb that I experienced such-and-such with my dead wife, too. Many people don't know how to handle that.
Asking as someone that wants someone such as yourself, a total stranger, to feel like they can share however much they need if it helps in any way: how _should_ I handle that?
It kinda pains me to hear you basically explain how you have to consider another person's feelings when you are in pain. I can't imagine even having that capability myself, were I walking in your shoes.
I guess I just mostly mean keeping the seriousness level of the conversation at about the same place. If it's someone I know well or we're talking pretty seriously, I'd bring up the topic. If it's a light conversation, especially with a stranger or lesser-known acquaintance, I'd relate things in a way that doesn't necessarily bring up a death unless that's relevant to the topic at hand.
That's simply not true, and I'm not entirely sure what would motivate someone to say such a thing. I would speculate, however, that it's a gleeful kind of trolling, a chance to say, "But it was your fault!" in the face of someone in great pain.
Consider the case where your child dies. Yet, you chose to have a child, knowing that he or she may die. So, you are also suffering from a circumstance of your choosing, no? Well, no, that is absurd. In fact, any misfortune can be similarly characterized as "of your choosing" since choice always affects the situation we experience. The logical problem is that the situation is not a function only of choice; change factors in, as do the choices of others. The ethical, or moral problem is that such a statement openly expresses contempt for those in pain, and a positive desire to increase that pain, and I think sadists like that serve no purpose on this Earth.
first, I absolutely agree that divorcee and widow are entirely different concepts and experiences.
But, unpopular opinion : becoming romantically involved with another is also a circumstance of your choosing; and although the death of a partner is rarely the choice of a spouse, the emotional involvement and entangled lives are the product of choices by both parties.
root parent : I can't myself imagine the loss of my partner, as I have grown so dependent on the relationship and the companionship provided. I think you are coping very well compared to how I see myself handling something similar, and I hope your days continue to improve.
As for the restaurant judgements : who cares what other people think? Screw 'em. There's a lot of judgemental bastards out there, and their opinion doesn't mean a damn thing.
>going out to eat by myself, getting a table for one, just feels pathetic
I do this all the time, movies as well. Never had a spouse, I don't see anything wrong with it. I think you should try it, even if it makes you feel pathetic. You need to learn to live by yourself for a while maybe
I agree with your general sentiment, but try to understand that if you've never been married it might put you into a vastly different frame of mind from someone who has rarely eaten alone without their SO for a long time.
Also, they most certainly do NOT have to "learn to live by yourself", at least not immediately.
That probably makes sense, but I'm sad to find that out. I've been thinking of logging back in to see if I could read the first few messages between myself and my recently-deceased fiancée. But those were years ago and I'm sure they're gone.
"The two companies had a December deadline for a renegotiation, but sources say it hasn’t been met, and as a result, new Roku devices will continue to be unable to download YouTube or YouTube TV apps."
I haven't done much in the past year due to creative blocks and not having long train commutes that were conducive to this kind of thing, but here's a few of my better ones. I also put out short albums in 2018 and 2019 for National Solo Album Month, they're there in my soundcloud as well.
I really like the juxtaposition of your HN user name being an alias and your 'artist' name being your real name. :) Like the first song Im hearing, listening to more now.
